Should I tell DH?

[Totellnottotell]

Interested in advice ... and understand if I get a bollocking as well.

DH and I separated a few months ago. For me it felt like an actual separation, but for DH it was always a trial (he never took off his ring for example).

Over the last year or so I developed a very close friendship with another man (OM), and when DH and I split up the friendship only got stronger. We spent a lot of time together alone, shared incredibly emotionally intimate information with each other, and we chatted online most days, sometimes often. I developed feelings for him, which stood in the way of me being able to work though things properly with DH. It was a classic EA, at least on my side, although there was never anything more.

After while though the OM pulled back after a particularly emotionally intense few catch-ups and I realised that the situation was very bad for me - I was too invested - so told the OM I had feelings for him, that I assume they are not reciprocated, and that I didn't want us to be in touch for a few months after which time we can build up a totally different friendship with better boundaries if we even want that. FWIW he didn't respond apart from a short "I understand" so that was that.

Once that was done I felt a fog lift (I was hurt about the OM but my overwhelming reaction was a feeling of relief at getting out of a situation that was confusing me), decided to give DH another go, and things are healing. We have a way to go, but we are going in the right direction and committed to making it work.

The thing I can't decide though is - should I tell DH about the OM? I am no longer independently in touch with him (and do not intend to be) but as we have mutual hobbies I will see him every now and then. I have learned my lesson though about getting to close to people and this will never happen again.

What do you think?

You were separated and got a crush on someome one who didnt feel the same about you. While you were separated. Theres nithing to tell. Block him on everything though. You dont need any contact beyond the hobby.

Now, why did you and your husband separate? And why did you want to try again?

Don't lie if you are asked but don't bring it up unless asked.

I wouldn't tell, your not in touch anymore and your just cause More issues when it's behind you know

No I don't think you should tell him; it's just going to cause more issues

Agree with above posts. Hard to know when you've crossed the line into ea when you're in the midst of one but sounds like you've learned from it and and committed to your0marriage now.

That total block must remain though, you can't ever be friends with him. What are you going to do if he tries to reconnect, have you thought about that? Will you be tempted by unfinished business?

No. As long as you'll be guarded and never initiate contact outside your hobby again, there is nothing to be gained.

I had a very similar experience except it also became physical with the OM.

When talking about getting back together I told him about having slept with OM (part of the separation had been an agreement around physical contact with others as part of the problem was having been together since teens for a very long time and not exploring stuff like a lot of people do when young). I didn't tell him just how emotionally invested I became with OM or how much time we spent together talking etc.

I feel guilty sometimes but it would have hurt him for no good reason. I remind myself that the guilt I experience is the price I pay and that I feel that guilt so that DP doesn't feel a much worse pain.

I'm never sure if it was the right decision or not. 5 years down the line I'm rather invested in the decision now

Im torn on one hand you did nothing wrong you where not together and nothing physical happened but what if your husband finds out either by this man or someone else saying something how would he feel it might look like you hid something. Very difficult how do you think your husband would react if you told him?

I'm all for honesty but the rule "Is it kind or helpful?" Would seem to apply. I suspect you want to tell to release yourself of guilt (even if you are trying to tell yourself you shouldn't feel guilty).
I can't see what good it would do and the risk is that it would undermine your marriage, as telling him validates it as an extramarital affair. It feels like it mainly happened in your wishes as a time you were vulnerable to kindness. Let it go and focus on getting a sparkle back with your husband. Put some excitement into your marriage; do nice things and plan to do things that are outside your shared comfort zone.

Yes you should tell him. You had an emotional affair before your marriage ended.

If you were writing this about your husband you'd be told your marriage has no chance if your husband didn't fully disclose everything that had gone on. Fact.

Sounds to me that you separated from your husband BECAUSE of the emotional affair you were having. It started way before your separation did.

It seems you separated to allow yourself to possibly of having a full affair, as you say your DH didn't even take his ring off, so the desire to separate couldn't have been coming from him. You confessed your feelings to the OM, he knocked you back, so you went back to your DH?

If that's the case I think your DH deserves to know the reason for your split doesn't he? What if someone else turns your head in the future? Will you ditch him again?

I'd say if you were directly asked, don't lie but I wouldn't purposely bring it up. It happened (mostly) while you were separated and it is now behind you.

I'd be worried about why you separated and got back together. Why did you separate and are you sure you want to be back together with him or is it just because you didn't get the person you really wanted? Are you always going to feel as if you want something else?

I agree with Sausage

Would you want to know if your husband fell in love with someone else?

Hold on - 'done nothing wrong' - were you having an emotional affair with OM before you separated? - after which it intensified, preventing reconciling with DH - and now it's stoped you are thinking of reconciling as OM is no longer between you?
That's. what I read - in which case - I think it is relavent yes - and something that needs to be confessed even if you are rejected because of it.

Sausage sums it up well

Thanks for the advice.

We didn't split up because of the OM but it didn't help things - I've read the Sheila Glass book on Walls and Windows that is often referred to on here and realise in retrospect that the windows I was allowing between OM and I were one of many factors putting up walls between DH and I. Also he wanted to split at the time too, but quickly changed his mind once he realised it was real. But, it's a fact that it did cloud my thinking once we did split up in terms of getting back together.

Anyway - I told DH today. I didn't want a secret if we are going to work. He was OK with it all - I think he suspected more than I knew anyway - as long as I am no longer in touch with the OM. We are doing couple counselling and this is something we'll have to work through, but I hope telling him was the right thing in the end

I'm not sure what the point is of returning to DH when it was wobbly anyway. Surely the wobble will return?

A few questions to ponder.....

Would you want to know if it was you?
Did you agree it was okay to see others during the separation?

Is there a chance your DH could find out in the future and how would he feel about it?

Do you really have to do the hobby where you'll see OM? Would you want your DH to do a hobby where he saw the OW in similar circumstances?

Just saw your update OP. Hope things work out for you both.