Gifting as a form of control?

[PinkPuffin]

Not entirely sure what I want to get from this post, but this issue has been bothering me greatly. I think I just want to know if anyone understands what I mean. I've posted here to avoid the AIBU type answers...

DH has a difficult relationship with his father. FIL wants only the best for his children but has very fixed ideas about what this means and struggles to understand other people not wanting the same things in life. Over the past year, their relationship improved considerably and we were no longer dreading visits.

Last week I wrote our car off in a stupid bump. DH and I both called our parents and FIL immediately assumed we wanted money, which was absolutely not why we were calling. He said he wanted to contribute to our new car but wanted a say in which one we were getting. Seems fair enough. They are very well off and are quite generous. However, when FIL helps us out financially (we've never asked) he always manages to make us feel bad about accepting it. It feels as if he offers us help we could really do with but then makes us feel bad for needing/accepting it. Today I mentioned how much bad luck my scrape had been and he said "bad luck?!" in a really unpleasant tone when he knows I'm not a confident driver. He then made us a really generous offer and said "This is it with cars though, I bought you one car and you sold it (10years ago, when DH moved to Australia, you still owe Puffin's dad money for the car you've written off (we don't, we probably told him that because the alternative was being lectured on the evils of loans), this is the last time!" It was just so unpleasant! We hadn't asked him for any money yet he's making us feel like we're greatly inconveniencing him. I feel I'm not explaining myself very well, but he regularly makes us feel like he doesn't trust us to be capable of being adults. Our lives aren't where we would like them to be but we are by no means a basket case. Today he yet again made me feel like a stupid little girl and to be frank made me to scared to test drive our new car and ruined my day!

Does anyone understand what I'm trying to say and why this dynamic upsets me?

I'm not that young Him gifting money to control us only started last year though. Before that he was just outright unpleasant most of the time. I suppose I am learning this lesson later than others because prior to our wedding I only had experience of financial help from my parents, who are really nice about it.

Refusing his gifts will lead to drama too, he will just have a sulk and will no doubt come back to what we could've had if only we'd let him help...

God, I'm so angry now! Just woke DH up saying I never want a penny from FIL again, our future baby can have second hand stuff if it means not having to deal with this BS! I just don't want anyone making me feel this bad!

He might try sulking but you don't have to engage with it.
And second hand things for babies is definitely the way to go anyway

This is good practice for having a toddler in the future, OP. Any sulks, just ignore them. If he shouts or gets angry, make him sit on the naughty step stop contact for a bit. Remember that YOU are the adult and the one in charge.

God, I'm so angry now! Just woke DH up saying I never want a penny from FIL again, our future baby can have second hand stuff if it means not having to deal with this BS! I just don't want anyone making me feel this bad!

Hold on to this op. Doing the same and expecting a different outcome won't work.