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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

There's nothing of me in my house!

17 replies

supersop60 · 18/08/2017 16:45

I have just been flicking through a 'House' type magazine, thinking how lovely (or awful) some of the room decoration ideas are, and wondering what to do about updating our house.
Looking around, I realise that none of the furniture (apart from a sideboard) has been my choice to buy. Either DP has just gone and bought it, or it was already in his flat when I moved in with him. All the pictures bar one are his choice, even the cushions (which are a boring brown, highly washable because of the dog) If I were starting from scratch - I think I'd change everything.
How have I allowed this to happen?
We have been together nearly 18 yrs, and I suddenly feel very sad.

OP posts:
JohnLapsleyParlabane · 18/08/2017 16:46

Time to take a deep breath and change the status quo.

Pantryboy · 18/08/2017 16:58

Super I feel the same sweetie. My dh uncle died we had all his stuff, my mil died we had all her stuff my friend died we had all her stuff. My dds have so much stuff it's not true and my dh has stuff all over the place . I am fed up to the back teeth with other ppls stuff! My dsis can't throw anything out I am bought magazines from years and years ago !! I throw it all out now I can't stand much more . Am on the housekeeping group as we speak ....good luck , moi aussi!

Chloe421 · 18/08/2017 17:00

I can absolutely relate. Could you talk with your DP about this... with a view to changing things up a bit so it feels more like 'your' home? I think things like this are especially difficult when we have moved into someone else's property for whatever reason as we don't want to impinge on their choices etc

stupidcoldfeet · 18/08/2017 17:14

OP at the risk of sounding like someone who has been around here too long, what's the rest of your relationship like? My home with stbxh felt like this. I didn't really have any say. His logic was I didn't mind his taste, I generally liked it, but he didn't like mine. So we went with his choice. It was part of bigger problems.

On the other hand my mum had this with her partner. It was just about being set in his ways. She moved in to his house. She picked a couple of things to change. He couldn't see why but she stuck to it. He ended up liking the new things and quite happily went along with other changes. Some things her choice, some joint.

It needs to feel homely to you.

Original poster
supersop60 · 18/08/2017 17:24

Well spotted stupid. I have just started therapy to deal with 'issues' I have with DP, and this is probably why my eyes are starting to open about other things.
I also don't have any spare cash to buy anything myself. We have separate money, and I'd have to ask him to spend 'his' money on stuff that I want iyswim.

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 18/08/2017 17:28

Although it's officially abd legally just DP's house, we bought the furniture and assesories together and I got as much say in the decorating our bedrooms a raspberry pink, so maybe a touch more say

I have to say I like that it's us, there's things that I've obviously chosen and then things he has. I like to look round and wonder what a stranger would think about us if they looked round. But then I do that when I go to people's homes.

Why don't you suggest decorating one of the rooms and changing everything. Or if money's tight, add a few pictures, cushions, candles etc. Ikea, Dunelm and even Wilko's are cheap but have some nice things in.

VisitorFromAlphaStation · 18/08/2017 17:36

Why not suggest some redecoration? I'd feel the 'separate money' is a bigger issue.

stupidcoldfeet · 18/08/2017 17:41

Sorry OP. IME the eyes opening process is not an easy one. I hope therapy helps.

"I also don't have any spare cash to buy anything myself. We have separate money, and I'd have to ask him to spend 'his' money on stuff that I want iyswim."

I know there are different views on separate/joint money - but after 18 years it's sad you feel like that when its things for your home.

ChilliMary · 18/08/2017 17:43

Time to go shopping! Out with old and in with the new!

Lunettesloupes · 18/08/2017 18:09

You can add some personal touches without spending a fortune - even shells, driftwood, things you've upcycled, photos, pics from magazines etc...maybe this is part of a bigger issue though and sign that you want to express yourself more generally.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2017 18:09

supersop60

re your comment:-
"I also don't have any spare cash to buy anything myself. We have separate money, and I'd have to ask him to spend 'his' money on stuff that I want iyswim".

The above to me also smacks of financial control on his part against you. His flat, his possessions and you with little or no say or any real legal rights whatsoever. He undoubtedly knows this as well.

I was also thinking along the lines that stupidcoldfeet has written about, particularly in relation to the above comment. I am not altogether surprised to read that you are in therapy, your DPs behaviours have put you there.

Unfortunately abuse which is all about power and control against the other person is insidious in its onset and does sneak up on people unawares over time. Its the putting the frog in the boiling water analogy; you may well have been tested by him throughout to see how much he can get away with and where your own boundaries actually are. May I ask what the response from your therapist has indicated to date?

pineappleontoast · 18/08/2017 22:35

Just begin changing things. It's your house too. I moved in with my DH, everything belonging to him etc and it took months for him to adjust and realise I wasn't going to live with everything by his rules and his choosings. It's easier now. He backs down because he knows I'll do.it anyway. I think even with the nicest of men, they will try to get away with things being as much their way as they can get away with x

pineappleontoast · 18/08/2017 22:36

Also, you say you don't have much money... begin with a few charity shop finds and take it from there. Eventually he needs to contribute to the bigger changes that you're building up to

Ellisandra · 18/08/2017 22:46

Forget redecorating until you have had more therapy. Why redecorate a house you may decide to move out of?

I'm actually all for accounts and though I am divorced our way of managing money wasn't a part of that! And it works fine with current fiancé too. What I can't imagine is ever feeling like I could afford something for the house after 18 years with a boyfriend. I earn lots more than my fiancé and I'd be heartbroken if he couldn't just say - do you fancy redecorating this room? - because "he" couldn't afford it.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/08/2017 22:56

I agree with you taking little steps. Go into the charity shops and buy a throw or a cushion or even a photo frame. Let it be symbolic of you begining a new life. Buy flowers in lidl as they are cheap and cheerful. Dont say anything just do it.

Original poster
supersop60 · 19/08/2017 01:43

attila - just for clarity, we are in a house now and it's in joint names.

OP posts:
stupidcoldfeet · 19/08/2017 03:10

I was with my husband a similar length of time. It can be disorientating to be feeling how did I/we get here.
Therapy is hard work but I have found it immensely helpful.

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