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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you feel? Impartial opinions please

8 replies

IrishMammyto2 · 30/03/2007 14:40

Been a lurker for a while but my first post as in need of some impartial advice.

I feel all in a muddle so this may seem a bit disjointed-please bear with me. I dont really know where to start.....
For various reasons i have very little self confidence. I realised last night that it may be detremental to my relationship.

My ex husband had an affair. We split up, a blessing in disguise really. I have since met a wonderful man and we are living together.(With my two children from my marriage.)
However i keep doing things that i dont think i should be doing, eg checking his texts, i know some people have serious issues with this but when i get myself into a state i rationalise it by thinking that i wouldnt mind if he read mine as i have nothing to hide.
Anyhow, he now gets on well with his ex and i struggle with this as i have never known anyone who does, and wouldnt talk to mine if it wasnt for the children.

Last night he was 15 minutes late home from work, and my imagination started running riot. When i asked him why in a casual "where have you been?" he simply said he took a detour with a smile on his face. While he was in the shower i looked at his texts and there were a few to and from his ex.
One said "You dont need an excuse to phone, you are my best friend, dont worry about IrishMammy, she will just have to get used to it. Or not. " That was sent 2 days ago. Another said "I dont know what to say...imagine how you would feel if you read that on my phone...stillxx" He does put xx on his texts to everyone. This one was sent during the 15 minutes that he was late. My problem is depending on the frame of mind i am in particularly in relation to the time of the month it is, I can interpret things differently. A few weeks ago when i read his messages i took one the wrong way and was upset about it until i read another which put it in a different context altogether. I feel so peeved with myself for repeatedly checking his phone, and each time say never again, but because of my low self esteem cant figure out what he is doing with me and worry he will just go.
i half think that at least if i check his phone etc then i will find out sooner rather than later and maybe wont feel such a fool. Obviously the more i carry on with this the more i am imagining and chewing myself up inside. And i am worried i will just drive him away. A couple of months ago when we were talking about trust etc i said how i was so tempted to read his phone etc and he said quite openly that he was happy for me to do so. However this morning i went to double check the second one typed above to see if i had gotten it wrong somehow they were all deleted.
There have been many other things going on im my life over the last year and they are all interwoven but too much to go into here. He knows how low i feel, and i think if i ask him about this he will just think i am a psycho....

Advice please.......what would you make of it..thanks in advance......

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 30/03/2007 14:48

I advise counselling for your low self esteem if nothing else but from what i've read it looks like you need to talk and get things clear.

I was in a desrtuctive relationship and it took me 3 yrs of counselling to get sorted.

1 year of that was with my dp so he could understand everythig i'd been through and handle me better.

lazyemma · 30/03/2007 14:49

I don't think they're having an affair but I do think they sound still close in a way that I wouldn't be comfortable with either, in your shoes. It sounds like your partner knows you're uncomfortable with the level of contact he has with his ex but he's continuing it anyway, which is a shame. I think you need to be honest with him that you've seen those messages on his phone, and ask him to be honest with you in return, about his feeling for his ex.

WinkyWinkola · 30/03/2007 15:24

"You dont need an excuse to phone, you are my best friend, dont worry about IrishMammy, she will just have to get used to it. Or not. "

That's not nice to read, is it? That your feelings won't be considered at all. If I were his ex, I'd feel bad that he felt that way about his new girlfriend TBH.

I'd have a quiet and calm word. Has he really moved on?

fattime · 30/03/2007 15:34

If it's "bad" news you don't want to hear, better to hear it now than keep wondering. I think she is being horrid, he is being unfair. How can your relationship grow well if he has this type of secret and feels the need to keep it secret. Sorry but my mind would be going wild and I would shy away from knowing the truth but as it doesn't affect me I would say for your sake try to talk - calmly and see if you can find a comfortable position.

Original poster

IrishMammyto2 · 30/03/2007 15:42

I think/hope he has moved on. I moved home to Ireland(2 weeks after i met him) and in December he moved too. That gives me some kind of reassurance but i know he has not settled really. He has made no friends as he cant understand the accent. I am sure he misses his friends family etc So its hard on him that way. I have struggled to settle and i wanted to come home, where he did ask me to return to the uk, so i do feel irrational getting the hump about being in touch with her. They were married for over 20 yrs. And it seems they just drifted apart rather than something major happening, compared to me who wants to swear each time my daughter mentions her dad. When i met him they were not getting on as well as they are now. It is mostly about their kids or selling their house that they seem to text about.
I know if it was a friend asking me for advice i would also say have a quiet and calm word, but dont think i can manage that without bursting into tears enhancing the emotional woman image i have created for myself.
I cant figure out what he meant when he said it wouldnt be nice to read on his phone. It may not have been that previous message???
Oh God i am wrecking my own head...

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 30/03/2007 16:08

Yes, you are wrecking your own head but it's not surprising really, is it, given the information you've found.

It would upset me a lot too because those texts suggest an intimacy and that I, as the current gf, am not No. 1 in his mind, aside from his children of course! I know they've had kids, probably been through a lot together etc but they're not together anymore, are they?

Maybe you could write it all down? Or show him this thread?

sexylady · 30/03/2007 18:45

maybe you should talk things through with him as you suggested, if he knows how you feel about the whole situation then if he loves you he will be considerate of your feelings.

i think it's hard enough at times to accommodate a dh/dp who has a mate who is female, but when they have had a relationship that isn't bound together because of kids well i really wouldn't feel comfortable with that.

mrsmcv · 31/03/2007 19:50

I doubt there's anything of substance going on but I really do hate those 'pretend' boyfriend/ girlfriend relationships that exist because of texts, email etc. Even my rubbish stbxh would have drawn the line at someone talking about me in the way she's seen fit to talk about you and that'd be the sticking point for me.

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