Is my partner a selfish twat??

[Standupsara]

I have been with the same man since I was 16. We never married but have two teenage children, and have been together for 34 years. He works and is busy day and night with chores and hobbies. I only see him to hand him the food I've cooked. He never shops, and I take charge of all the household bills, banking and subscriptions. I more or less raised the kids alone cos he was renovating a house for us to live in and racing bikes at the weekends. He does not speak to our 15 yr old daughter at all. I had a 50th party recently and he didn't help set it up and only came for a few hours. I know our relationship is in crisis, but I don't know what to do. He shows no affection and offers no emotional support - he says he's not that kind of person. I feel empty, sad, lonely and infulfilled. I now work full time too, but still do all the household stuff. I feel like I want to run away to somewhere like Cuba and drink rum and smoke fat cigars. How does it feel to walk away?

Unfulfilled even!

Have you talked to him about it all?

How does it feel to walk away? Initially scary but it soon turns good and you discover the person you really are in my experience. I walked away from my ex after many unhappy years and I am in a better place than I have ever been.

Why don't you see a lawyer to find out what you and your children woudo be entitled to ? Just as a fact finding exercise, to know where you stand.

I wonder how it feels to be a 15yo living with a father who won't speak to you .

How does it feel to walk away?
At first... heart breaking.
The grief will set in and you will grieve for the life you could have had.
The life you didn't fight for.
The shite you put up with for so many many years!
Then LIBERATING!!!
TOTALLY LIBERATING.

You've been with this emotionally stunted man all your adult life.
Time for you now.
And what a fucking man-child.
He doesn't even speak to his own DD.
Please take her away from this awful atmosphere.
Poor girl. She needs you to stand up for her.
Show her you don't put up with stonewalling - ever!

You want to get out but don't know how.
I would suggest you start with a solicitor and CAB and take it from there.

Thank you He doesn't like to talk, and I feel it's partly my fault for allowing this behaviour to continue for so long, always trying to stay happy despite things being so bad. The thought of leaving makes me feel sick, the thought of staying makes me feel worse.

Is the house in your name as well? Does he have a work pension?

Am actually not too worried about finances, it's just the emotional side of things. He can't express himself, doesn't know what to say and has no idea how to deal with our daughter, so just stays out the way. He's completely emotionally detached but is that reason enough? He works hard, has provided financially, mowed the grass, put up shelves, but has always done whatever he's wanted to do, and never fully embraced having a family. I didn't notice before because we were both so busy with life - I thought other people's relationships were like this.

Well, you're only 50, so could you spend the next 30 years with him?

Life with such a drain of a person would make anyone feel lonely, sad and unfulfilled frankly.

What do you get out of this relationship here; what has stopped you from leaving this frankly pitiful sounding existence to date?.

What do you think your DD is learning and has learnt about relationships here?. Is this really what she should be learning?. She is seeing her dad not bothering to talk to her. Would you want her to have a relationship like yours is and likely has been for many years?. No you would not. So do not keep on doing your bit here to show her and these children that their dad's treatment is acceptable to you.

You met when you were just 16 and have spent most of your teens and adult life with this man at great cost to yourself. Time to move on and away without him. You do not really know who you are even now and he has stifled you intellectually, financially and emotionally. He does not give you what you need and such selfish men only care for their own self. That is probably why he has never bothered to marry you either; he regards what is "his" as his and his alone.

I think walking away from him would be all at once frightening (because you really do know no different) and liberating at the same time.

What's stopping you from going to Cuba?

Tell him to book some time off work to look after the kids for once in his life as your going to do something for yourself for the first time in 16 years.

Then go and have a good think on whether you want to live this life alongside the selfish twunt for another 16 years.