Male factor

[arabelsraven]

I know this starts like it should be in the conception forum but, I think it's more a relationship issue

DH and I are both 38, TTC for 6 months so I booked an appointment with my GP. She'll get me to have blood tests but is pretty confident seen as I have regular periods, positive OPKs and am meticulously temping that it just a matter of time. She asked about DH and whether he'd had undescended testicles as a kid. I said "no, I'm sure he'd have told me when we were discussing having children". Went home and relayed how my appointment went to DH and he reveals that he did have surgery at 5 to correct one of his...

So I did some furious googling and this can be an fertility issue. Current guidance is to have the operation before the age of 2. So he's going to see his GP and ask for sperm analysis. He'd never given it a second thought... apparently. You see he does have a tendency to bury his head in the sand sometimes.

I can't help but feel angry that he didn't mention this. I don't want to be mad. We're newly married and he's lovely. But this is so important to me and I've been doing everything I can (vitamins, waking up early at the weekend to stick a thermometer up my vag, drinking zero alcohol beer...). I can't help it. I'm angry.

And he's a worrier. He's worried that if it turns out he's got issues, that I'll regret getting married.

So basically I'm looking for replies from anyone whose DH has had a similar experience and all was fine and some wise words from you lovely women as to how I can stop being mad and return to enjoying our first year of marriage. I know it's a case of wait and see but I'm stewing.

Well you can't help how you feel, but you can control how you behave towards him.

Really listen to what hes saying - he's scared of losing you, and my experience of men with fertility issues is that theres a lot of guilt and shame involved there.

He's taking practical steps now to solve the issue. With respect 6 months ttc at the age of 38 is not very long, and you need to dig your heels in together as a couple and face the issue because this is unlikely to be your last 'hurdle'.

Really very best of luck.

"you can't help how you feel, but you can control how you behave"

Thank you! I will make that my mantra in marriage!

My friend and her partner are having fertility issues because of her partner having that surgery at that age. Could well be the cause.

I can see why it wouldn't occur to him though. It's common for couples with full fertility to take 6+ months.

Don't be angry with him...it's along time ago, he was a child, and probably was never made aware that it would be an issue.

A bit of perspective here OP, you're angry with him for not remembering, something from when he was 5 yrs old? Why would he mention something that was insignificant until your GP mentioned it?

Give the guy a break, it was all out of his control.

Unless it was something that was brought up prior, how was he to know it may be worth mentioning? It could even be that he wasn't aware that he'd had the surgery (5 is still very young) and was reminded later on. He's been honest now, its understandable that you're upset but is there a chance that you're just looking for a reason to get some pent up frustration out?

Poor sod.

He will be feeling bad enough I'm sure. If the tables were turned how would you feel.

I know! I'm frustrated... and scared and just want things to work out.

You see he does have a tendency to bury his head in the sand sometimes
I don't think he has though.
It's not until it was metioned that he brought it up.
How would he know an op at 5 years of age would cause this?
He can't possibly know that.

Don't be angry at him.
This is new to both of you.
Work through it all together!
That's what marriage is all about.

I had (fortunately successful) IVF. We had female and male factor.
I did a lot of reading at the time.
At no point did I read about indescended testicles as a potential issue - and neither the GP nor the Consultant ever asked.
I don't think it's fair to blame him for not thinking of it!

I'm not sure if this will help, but if you do face make factor (and that's not certain anyway) if you end up having IVF, it's far simpler and more successful than many female factors! That's according to my consultant. They just need one good sperm for ICSI.

I met a lot of IVF couples along the way. The fertilisation stage was never an issue in the failures.

At least he's going for tests OP. My ex always said he would, I had mine. He put it off and put it off and got arsey whenever I mentioned it. I left him 2 years ago. I'm now 42 with no DC 😪

If you are going for fertility treatment, you have to decide - and mean it- that you are in this together. It could be substandard sperm, it could be crap eggs, it could be like us- one of the 20% of infertile couples for whom every test checked out. Just unexplained. We got successfully pregnant with treatment once. I've miscarried several times since and I feel it would have destroyed our relationship if my DP had blamed me for miscarrying. He was as devestated as I was, but we were grieving together for our losses and he was the first one to tell me it wasn't my fault when I wanted to blame my body for miscarrying.

So you are in this together. Allocating blame will be toxic. Flip this and imagine if you were to hold him responsible for you not being successful in TTC, who's to 'blame' if you miscarry (1 in 4 odds)? You are blaming him before you even know that there is any issue with his sperm count. Don't go down that road.

Your TTC struggles are a joint one. You do this together. If one of the ingredients of a baby is missing or faulty you figure out together what you want to do about it. Blame should have no place in TTC.