Telling me off in front of the children

[Rollercoaster1920]

I'm getting really fed up of this. A couple of examples:
This morning I asked the children to be quieter (not silent, just lower the volume to a conversational level). My partner then says to me "they are not shouting".

I tell the children to ask before closing or opening car doors. They are under 6. When I told one off, and to wait, I got an earful.

I think parents need to back each other up in front of the children. I feel like this shows my partner doesn't respect my parenting, and worse undermines me.

We have spoken about it but partner still does it. Response when pulled up on it away from the children is that I expect too much from the children!

This is causing real friction between us.

Had anyone else been in this situation and managed to get to a good outcome?

Not been in this position but he is undermining you and is absolutely wrong.

How is he with you? Is he controlling at all?

I would answer back I am afraid.

'Do not speak to me like that. They are too loud for me. Please respect that'

'Do not speak to me like that. I am responsible for car safety. I decide. Please respect that'

My examples were:

'Do not undermine me. I am getting the children ready today, not you. Please get on with what you are doing and we can talk later. Thank you'

'Do not speak to me like that. You are impacting on my time. Please respect that'

Repeat, repeat, repeat after every instance and then drop it, move on and totally ignore any sulk, attitude. Your kids need to know you won't tolerate it as much as him.

Also, make a point of vocally backing up every parenting decision of his that you can.
He then will find it more difficult to be a dick. More difficult but not impossible, of course 😂

You're 100% right OP, he shouldn't be saying that in front of the kids.

Perhaps you could speak to him and ask him to pick it up with you later on if he has an issue with something you've said to the children.

Not that I think anything that you posted above is unreasonable to say to them at all!

It all comes down to whether your partner agrees that parents should present a united front, and presumably have the discussions when the children aren't in earshot. If that's a no, then I'd say fight your corner: "No, they are not shouting but they are too loud." and if your partner gives you an earful give one right back.

The odds are that the partner is male ... but since OP doesn't say "he" or "him" anywhere in the post, I'd take a guess at a female partner.

I had this problem with my ex. He would constantly undermine me and say things like "that was a bit harsh" "no need to shout" etc. Yes of course there was times I'd lost my cool but he didn't have to say it in earshot of my DC. There were times he was a bit overdramatic or over cautious with things but I would wait until DC weren't listening before saying so.

YANBU

Thank you for the replies. I thought we had agreed to a unified front to the children in a number of our talks (including counselling) but it keeps happening!

I don't want to start an argument in front of the children but a polite rebuff is called for. I need to bite my tongue and keep it super polite. I am pretty sure that DP will argue back so the polite comeback needs to be that we will talk about it later.

I'll try it and see how it goes.

I'm watching this thread as I have similar aged kids and the same problem but unfortunately have no suggestions to offer only

I have tried approaches similar to users ideas which I think sound really good but unfortunately they haven't worked for me so far. Are you still in counselling?

I'm in the same boat OP.

Agree with the PP who said repetition is key - every single time he does it just tell him you find it undermining and remind him you're supposed to be putting up a united front.

It's really frustrating, a bit like training a dog.

Perfect that look. If you dont want to argue in front of dc jusrt give him a long hard stare so he will know he has done it again..Then talk later in private. Is he good to discipline the dc and full of patience.
On the other hand l found it really difficult if dh spoke in a harsh voice to the dc. Its like my mothering instinct shot right up..i perfected a look for him in that situation so do be sure your voice isnt harsh.

I remember when I watched Supernanny YEARS ago it was exactly this issue that led to - well - Supernanny being needed as it seems to be able to parent effectively a united front is everything.

Parents can do things differently but being on the same page is key.

Having said that I'm a little guilty of checking my DH. He's no hardcore disciplinarian but I've asked him to "pick his battles" on a few occasions (DD is 18mo).

I'm in the process of leaving my partner. He does this. Hypocritical bastard. Yet if he tells them off whether I agree or not I support it because I don't believe in disregarding one parents discipline.
9/10 times it's something he would tell them off for, but because I have done so he tells me off!!
If you have an otherwise OK relationship, maybe sit down and tell him how it makes you feel.
You feel you can't discipline the children as he then reprimands you for it in front of them. Thus teaching them they needn't listen to you as dad will always over ride you. Not a way to raise children into well rounded adults. He shouldn't do that and if he thinks you were being unreasonable he should talk to you away from the children.
I can't discuss anything with my stbxp and never have been able to. I hope that's not the situation with you OP x