Trapped by circumstance- anxiety

[vitaminb12]

NC'd for this as I am ashamed of my situation. I will try to keep it short.
H and I "separated" about two years ago in that we had the chat and agreed that our relationship as a couple has gone off the cliffs. We agreed we could see other people but discreetly for the kids sake.

We are both still living in the family home, separate bedrooms/social lives (he doesn't go out at all really except for work. No hobbies or anything. Gaming/keyboard warrior)
We have two kids, pre-teen and a teen. Teenager knows the situation.
We both work, good jobs but up to our absolute arses in debt due to two bad financial decisions a number of years ago.

It's payday to payday, old car/no fancy holidays or anything like that. But we are ok.
I desperately want to not live with him but there is no way he will leave. The marriage crumbled over many years and either party could point the finger so its no one persons "fault" so I can't boot him out.

I can't take the kids - why should they leave their home and their rooms and their friends and besides, we can't logistically afford to run two households.

Rent where we live is astronomical and the same as mortgage rates. We have no savings. We are entitled to zero state help.
I feel so trapped and lonely.

H is super-dad and over the years has supplanted my role as "mother" - sometimes I wonder would they even notice much if I just upped and left. But I just can't leave my kids.

I was dating someone lovely for a year or so, but it ended because there was nowhere for the relationship to go. (I couldn't leave my kids, I can't afford my own place).
I'm really struggling hard with the direction my life has taken & wonder if anyone has any advice at all for for me. Anxiety and depression are hovering at the door but I'm doing my best to fight them off.

Thanks for reading all of this!

I don't really have any advice - just wanted to say I read the post and that's a really hard situation and I feel for you.

Hont thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

I don't think there's any hope for me. There are no answers.

Perhaps breaking things down into chunks would help you see the wood for the trees?

The debt: if it is significant and crippling, would bankruptcy be an option? That would enable you both to move out and on. Or could you sell the house to pay off the debts? If the debt is so bad that despite two good incomes you live payday to payday and are forced to live together, then either has to be a preferable option.

Although you don't think you can afford to live alone, have you actually looked into it? Just because you aren't eligible for state support as a couple doesn't mean you wouldn't be eligible separately. With older children you can work full time. You'd likely be entitled to some tax credits and possibly some housing benefit (if house was sold.)

Don't focus on the DC losing their bedrooms or having to move school etc. These are short-term issues and totally outweighed by the benefit of not living in a household where the atmosphere must be downright awkward if not unpleasant at times.

It's an overwhelming situation to be in. But there are ways out, you just need to be brave

Thanks for your supportive message Comtesse it is much appreciated. The debts are big, and mostly attached to the mortgage.
To give you an idea, the mortgage is about 1.5k per month. To rent a 2 bed apartment is around that much. And we'd need two apartments obviously so that's 3k per month. Any equity from the sale wouldn't be long being eaten up.

There's no entitlement to housing benefit of any kind where I live and there is fierce competition for even private housing.

H has credit card debt, (I don't know how bad his is but it's bad) as do I, but I've been trying v hard to bring mine down. I'm getting there slowly.
It's just hard to get the head around how we will ever be able to afford two homes when we barely afford one.

Go to the doctors, take anti depressants

it will help you to see a blue sky , they're will be one ....and you need every help you can get. Otherwise you risk staying in the rut forever

See it as a temporary measure , a means of support to get you through and to the next stage .

And for your childrens sake