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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving - how do you know it's the right thing to do? Have you left a relationship and regretted it?

16 replies

curlylocks101 · 18/08/2017 07:33

Just that really. I'm mid-20s, he is mid-30s, not married, no kids, renting together. Been together five years. Things are OK day to day but have been rough this year for both of us in different ways and I feel unsupported and unloved whereas I've put a lot of energy into trying to help and support him. Day to day I feel that I'm doing the emotional work for two people: looking after his wellbeing and mine. There's very little affection and I also do the majority of practical stuff - in terms of leisure activities and things he never comes up with anything but is quick to complain about things I come up with. We talked about all this a few months ago and it improved but now it's all slipped back (except for this week as he knows I'm fed up so is on best behaviour). He's a nice guy but he's so wrapped up in himself, his problems (work stress causing anxiety) and I feel guilty for thinking of adding to them. I pushed him to get help for his MH saying I'd leave if he didn't because I couldn't take anymore. He has got help, so it feels unfair that I might still leave?

I'm feeling strong enough to end things but what if I'm overthinking it, what if I regret it? Have you ever been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

sonjadog · 18/08/2017 07:37

I would leave. The problems with him not supporting you are not going to go away. He's had several chances to change and he hasn't. This is who he is and being in a relationship where he takes more than he gives works well for him. He won't change except for very short periods. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

I don't think you'll regret it. It will be strange and sad at first, but you are giving yourself the chance to meet someone who gives equally to the relationship.

Shoxfordian · 18/08/2017 07:37

I don't think you would be wrong to leave, it doesn't sound like you're getting much support from the relationship or much love either really.

Maybe write a list of all the reasons to leave and keep it in case you're not sure after you've done it.

I can't see any reasons to stay from your post.

pleasehelpme2017 · 18/08/2017 07:38

I'd say that no affection is more than a good enough reason to leave. At your age the world of future possibilities and people is your oyster! I wouldn't want to be trapped by marriage and/or kids - married to someone who doesn't care basically.

I am in my 40s and now divorcing someone who shows me no love or care. We have 3 dc and it is and is going to be a very traumatic process. Not saying that it isn't when you don't have children - but I would grab the chance to start a new life while you can.

Am probably projecting a little so apologies for that.

WinchestersInATardis · 18/08/2017 07:42

Don't stay in a relationship if the main reason for staying is because you'd feel guilty about leaving.
I was in a similar situation - doing all the practical stuff, him complaining, then saying he'd work on it -- and it went on for years.
When I did finally end it, I was overwhelmed with relief because I could stop trying so hard.
It's been three years and I haven't regretted it once.
However, for me, it was infidelity on his part that finally gave me the courage to end it.
If I'd never found out, I'd likely still be unhappy and trying really hard to 'work' at my marriage right now.
Relationships aren't always easy but they shouldn't be continuous hard work.

llangennith · 18/08/2017 07:48

You'll be fine moving on so long as you don't start mourning a relationship you wished for but didn't actually have.

FinallyHere · 18/08/2017 08:03

Ask your self, is it better, or worse, having him around?

If you are going to split, and by your account it seems that is the obvious next step, the sooner the better. Your life without him wi be great, whatever happens. Don't waste yourself on him for a minute longer.

MorrisZapp · 18/08/2017 08:05

I've got a million exes and literally not one regret. It's fine to be on your own. If it's not working, it's not working.

CashelGirl · 18/08/2017 08:16

I seperated from my fiancee at a similar age for almost identical reasons. It was scary and sometimes lonely but I have never once regretted it. I would rather be lonely every day of my life than live like that again.

I had 6 years of singlehood - a few casual relationships but nothing serious. I had a lot of fun, learned a lot about myself and spent time with some really interesting people.

You are young and life is short. Go and have fun. You can't fix him or make his life better - that's up to him to do.

Original poster

curlylocks101 · 18/08/2017 13:36

Thank you ladies, there's some really good advice here and as someone from an extended family where it happens that nobody has ever left a marriage/LTR it really helps to hear some other experiences! Think I know what I've got to do now. He's not nasty and one day could be a great partner to someone but I don't think it's me! One big problem with him is apathy and taking forever to deal with things - again, no experience of these things but what might be a reasonable amount of time for someone to find a flat in? (I have personal connections to the LL so he would need to move out)

OP posts:

missmollyhadadolly · 18/08/2017 16:20

I found a lovely1 bed flat in a week. It was new build and no one had even used the loo (it was wrapped).

I'm in a London zone 3.

ImperialBlether · 18/08/2017 16:23

I would definitely advise you to leave - it doesn't sound like a good relationship at all and you are so young to be tying yourself to someone like that.

If there's no affection, the relationship is a bad one, in my opinion. What's the point in a partner if there's no affection?

I think you'd feel relieved if you split up.

Princesspinkgirl · 18/08/2017 16:30

I wouldn't stay in a relationship like it i have left my old partner for many reasons i dont regret it u know why lifes to short

SunRainSun · 18/08/2017 17:25

If you see no future with your partner it is time to leave. You don't know who you will meet or what you will be doing, but I am sure that it will be better and more positive

SunRainSun · 18/08/2017 17:30

Have I regretted leaving - never!

Lunettesloupes · 18/08/2017 18:03

If you're getting excited about having your own loo then it's probably a good sign you want to have your own space for a while. I've never regretted leaving my ex fwiw...I also enjoy independent loo ownership!

pineappleontoast · 18/08/2017 22:44

Nobody can tell you what to do based on a few words on an advice column. If you'd have read some of the things my DH has done on MN you'd be telling me to run for the hills. But in my heart of hearts, I've always known that DH is a decent, honest, hardworking man who loves me regardless of the strange ways he shows it. If staying is harder than the thought of leaving then leave. If DH is abusive, you should leave. If you had to toss a coin on the decision and stick to it, which side would you really want it to land on?

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