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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When do you leave?

24 replies

Knickknack88 · 18/08/2017 07:06

My partner has done so many things and I am just weary of him now. We argue all the time now and there are no apologies, just an acceptance that things go back to ticking along until the next blow up. Aside from everything else, the sulking and bad moods really get to me and then I lose my temper because I just can't stand it.

My problem is that I'm the main breadwinner and we have a six month old. Hes looking after the baby now and my wages just about cover everything. We don't have any savings because we bought a house, he got made redundant and couldn't find another job, surprise found out we were having a baby and he's been working poorly paid temp contracts on and off since then. After paying all the bills, I can't afford to pay for childcare and he doesn't have a job or money to go live somewhere else. What do you do when there's just not enough money to seperate?

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 18/08/2017 07:24

Are you married, as that makes a lot of difference.
Get an Au pair in.
Treat them well and you will be Ok.

Wheelycote · 18/08/2017 07:27

Nothing great and wise to say but wanted to send you ((((hug))))

BackInTheRoom · 18/08/2017 07:39

Sounds like your circumstances are making you both snappy and irritated. He needs to get a job and you need a good childminder or nursery to get this relationship back on track?

Original poster

Knickknack88 · 18/08/2017 08:07

No we're not married thank god.

I don't know if sending her to nursery will rescue the relationship, I'm happy to send her to one if he gets a job as I always knew I would have to go back to work around now, it's just that I cannot afford to pay for it if he doesn't have a job.

I don't want to get into all the details but he has done many things that I thought I had made my peace with but actually I think each time he does something so so stupid that he has ground down my love down and no there none left and I am a horrible person to live with because I have zero tolerance for him. He's clearly not happy either.

OP posts:

Original poster

Knickknack88 · 18/08/2017 08:12

I can't afford an au pair either really and I think the baby is a bit young for the age au pairs are expected to look after?

OP posts:

PurpleWithRed · 18/08/2017 08:14

There isn't enough money to separate and keep your current lifestyle, which is living in a mortgaged home with (effectively) one full time working and one Sahp. If you want to separate you are both going to have to change your lifestyles.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2017 08:17

Re your comment:-

"I don't know if sending her to nursery will rescue the relationship"

No it will not. There is also no effort on his part to do anything to change the relationship long term. You are already weary of him. Also you cannot rescue a relationship on your own or act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship. Where he goes ultimately after separation is not your problem. He will find somewhere.

Sulking is actually an example of emotional abuse and sulking is never ever about silence. Abusive people are not happy in any case.

At the very least as well I would seek legal advice re your particular circumstances. Your child is only six months old currently and this is not the legacy to leave her.

KeepCalm · 18/08/2017 08:21

You don't leave. He does. Check what you're entitled to child/tax credits wise etc

Life is too short for putting up with that shit.

Is there somewhere he can go to give you some space? I imagine the feeling of relief not having to tip toe around will be a joy in itself.

Have you family nearby for support just while it all settles down?

Could you sell and buy somewhere smaller more manageable just till you catch your breath?

mummmy2017 · 18/08/2017 08:27

Is he on the Mortgage?
As if not you can ask him to leave as he has no legal right to stay.

Original poster

Knickknack88 · 18/08/2017 08:30

For us to be able to separate he has to get a job but I can't make him do that :(. He hasn't really had a job in about 18 months now, just minimum wage temp contracts. I wish that he would just leave but I need him to take care of the baby as nursery fees where we are will take everything I have left after paying the mortgage and the bills, I won't be able to afford food.

The other option is to sell the house now which would have to happen down the track anyway, but rent isn't that much cheaper, I would just have my share of the equity back and could pay for nursery with that if he isn't working.

Unfortunately both of our parents live in another city. Sometimes I wish I could just go home to my mum but someone has to work :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Knickknack88 · 18/08/2017 08:32

Yes he is on the mortgage, he was working when we bought it. I probably can't apply to get it just in my name as though we can afford the repayments on one wage, I wouldn't meet the affordability criteria with just my wage if that makes sense.

OP posts:

whatsmyname2017 · 18/08/2017 08:34

Hi OP, your relationship has reached a similar point to mine had. My ex has done so many things over the years that actually I'm still raw about, and all these things eventually built up into one big thing.
We separated a few months ago but thankfully he works full time. Initially he refused to move out unless I took his name off the mortgage so we put the house on the market. Once we had accepted an offer, he moved out and I'm paying the mortgage until the sale goes through.
It sounds to me like your only option would be to put the house on the market. If he is not in a position to move out and rent, there really is nothing more you can do. Does he not have family he could live with on a temporary basis?
Get the house up for sale as soon as possible and then he will have to move out and its not your problem what he does then. Sounds harsh but you have to think of yourself and your little one.

beekeeper17 · 18/08/2017 08:35

You don't have to pay for nursery while he doesn't have a job. It's his child too, so either he contributes financially to the childcare or he does the childcare himself until he finds a job and can contribute. That can still happen if you separate.

Badgoushk · 18/08/2017 08:42

I might be wrong but if he's the main caregiver and you split up, won't he/the courts want him to have your baby? I might be horribly out of date on that. Perhaps another poster can clarify.

mummmy2017 · 18/08/2017 08:44

I would move and sell, unless he is off the Mortgage he is one day going to be able to claim part of it's increase.
And in moving you also can not take him with you.

Original poster

Knickknack88 · 18/08/2017 08:46

I guess it's more that until he has a job he would still have to be here in the house as I can't afford to shell out for rent for him to go, even if he was still doing all the childcare, until he has a job.

Gosh I wish I wasn't the main earner sometimes, I could just leave and go home for a while as he would be the one who would be able to pay the bills. We've been together for years and were on similar wages when we got together but ive just progressed a lot faster then he was when he was working.

OP posts:

mummytime · 18/08/2017 08:48

Do you have a spare bedroom? Even if it means when you dump him the baby has to share with you? Then you could get a lodger. Also look if you are entitled to any benefits as a single person. If you can't afford nursery what about a child minder?

beekeeper17 · 18/08/2017 08:48

Sell the house. Or get a lodger for a few months. It's possible and definitely better than staying in a bad relationship because you feel trapped.

Original poster

Knickknack88 · 18/08/2017 08:49

He's only been at home with her for a few weeks so I don't think they would give him custody? I don't think he would take me to court either like that as it wouldn't make the situation any better. I can't afford to leave and get my own place while paying all the bills for him to continue to be a sahp if the courts did award him custody, we would continue to be stuck in a no mans land.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 18/08/2017 08:59

Have you ran your figures through a benefits calculator www.entitledto.co.uk you might be better off than you think

Original poster

Knickknack88 · 18/08/2017 09:22

I could probably get a lodger if anyone would want to live with a baby ☹️ I'm not entitled to anything really as I'm a "high earner" which doesn't mean much when you live where everything is expensive.

I think my other option might be to look for a job back home and leave. I love living in this city but it might be the better option for now.

OP posts:

mummytime · 18/08/2017 09:37

Plenty of people lodge with babies. Some even do it with slightly reduced rent in exchange for "babysitting". Also surely you would save by having to support one less adult? And you would get a rebate on Council tax with only 1 adult living there.
CAB or some financial advice would help you plan.

Hermonie2016 · 18/08/2017 09:40

It's seems the relationship is unhealthy and if it's always been like that then separating is probably for the best.If he silks and you are intolerant then it's destructive to both of you.

However if you have a new baby, unemployment and a new house the stresses will be amplified.

Try to focus on what makes you happy and look for the good that he does, even if you separate it will make the split much more amicable.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 18/08/2017 17:10

I would look for another job near your mum and then go and live with her. Would she be able to help with the baby?

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