Boyfriend can't get out of partying/drinking stage?

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Everyone told me he would settle down into family life "automatically" but it hasn't quite happened like that. Our son is at nursery now and I'm still waiting for this switch to happen and it's just not.

The people at his work (a startup) seem to get hammered at least one a week without fail. Their social lives seem to revolve around the startup. He said its important for camaraderie. He said if he doesn't go he'll get left behind (the company is growing) and so all his hard work will not get recognised if he doesn't go out with them. I understand that bit but I don't get why he has to turn up at 4am throwing up in the toilet so often.

We usually get a few nights a month to have fun because we have a really great family who live close where I will look after our nieces and nephews and then next week they'll return the favour or my mum will. I thought we were lucky to have that arrangement but apparently that's "not enough".

He makes out it's mostly because of work but I think in reality he just wasn't ready to give all that up and when my mum suggested I ask him if he regretted having our boy he didn't exactly say no with fervour ...

Maybe I'm just unreasonable, everyone at his work seems to be able to get away with getting pissed every week so maybe it is the norm I don't know.

It's not the norm

He sounds immature. He can still go out with his work and not have to get bladdered. He's just choosing to

I'd give him an ultimatum personally.

Going out one night a week with co workers is fine. Coming home plastered to a home with a baby is totally out of line. I would say he has a drink problem if he doesnt know when to stop. I would take your little baby and go to your dms. Its not on.

Yeah that's not acceptable behaviour

Have you asked him to drink less when he goes out with work?

I dont know why people still trot out 'he will calm down when he has a family'

It rarely happens. Though i do get the work thing. When you work with people who all go out together it is difficult when they all socialise together and you dont.

I work somewhere similar and just concentrate on work and point out that i have responsibilitys, its not that I dont want go out with them. And it works for me.

If you cant accept him going out once a week and getting hammered. And he isnt going to stop, you need to make a decision.

Sod 'everyone'. Didhe make any promises to calm down?

He's a child, and people don't just automatically grow up and have kids unfortunately.
My job involves a fair amount of socialising, it is good for team building. But no one has to drink if they don't want and it's perfectly acceptable to leave early if you're tired/have kids whatever. He's making excuses. He could go for a few and then leave if he cared. He's being very selfish. Did he want to settle down and have kids?

When they have kids*

My ex was like this we split up when ds was 6months after 7 years. Ds is now 4, he's moved on, another child, still hasn't changed.

"Everyone told me he would settle down into family life "automatically" but it hasn't quite happened like that"

IME it does not happen. He prefers the social life revolving around the start up company to you people. He still thinks and wants to be the single man rather than be a parent to his child.

You matured; he has not and may never do so. Is this man a good example of a father to your child; I would say no if he is treating you like this.

If he's still drunk at 4 am, how does he drive in to work the next day? He's irresponsible.

I would be okay with my partner in this sort of company going out once a week if I trusted him. What I wouldn't be okay with is the level of intoxication. That's not the kind of lifestyle I would want around my child at this stage of your life.

I'd also really think about doing more for yourself, by yourself and expect the partner, and not extended family, to step up to let this happen.

My DH let his parents take all the babysitting for a long time. Would send DCs to his mother if I had some time to myself. I have put a stop to this happening every single time. It's unhelpful long term.

I work in startups and I know the sort of pressure to socialise you're talking about. However it is not obligatory. I've worked in startups for 17 years and earlier in my career I caved in to the pressure to be constantly socialising, staying in the office after hours to play games, working late etc.

Thing is, it's not obligatory and the companies cannot, legally, force you to do it. They talk about "culture fit" but it's BS. If he is a good enough developer (I assume he's in tech?) then he won't need to go the extra mile to keep "in" with the C-suite. I've been at this game long enough to know that I can walk out at 5.30 every day and they can't force me to stay.

There are startups out there which don't emphasise the party culture. IMHO he needs to find a new job and vet it carefully, make sure they hire for talent and not "culture fit".

Some great points, thank you everyone. I will try and address them below:

SparklingRaspberry

From what I understand people who do not go out partying with the top-level and team mates are stepped over or do not have their contracts renewed. He told me of a woman who didn't drink for religious reasons so didn't socialise and a guy who had a very big outside work social life who did not have their contracts renewed. In the companies opinion apparently anyone who does not have a close knit bondness with the team is not worthy of being carried forward at this delicate stage of the companies life.

junebirthdaygirl Shoxfordian

I think it's a combination of both. The social pressures are high and the fact he seems he can't really stop once he gets started. I have said why don't you just come back when the first pub closes 11pmish instead of going on to the bar. He says it's really difficult to do that but he does sometimes. I don't want to do anything to drastic yet, we don't have problems in any other areas.

Gorgosparta

It seems to happen with most people. Me and my friends were a complete mess at university. We were very bad drunks, crawling it at 6am, throwing up etc. but we all just sort of stopped and stuck to being back at midnight.

I know, I will have to.

Do you find that you are being passed up for opportunities because of it? That's a big fear for him.

category12 PaperdollCartoon

He never overtly said the words "by the way I'm gonna stop partying now" but we spoke about how our lives would have to change when our boy arrives and he seemed to accept that... back then.

Daisymay1988 AttilaTheMeerkat

I'm sorry to hear that Daisy. I honestly dred the idea of doing something drastic when everything else is fine. I don't know... lots to think about.

LadyWithLapdog

We live in London so thankfully he doesn't drive the next day. But this brings up an interesting point. They all turn up bleary eyed and unproductive, shouldn't the top-level care about that and reign it in a bit?

user1499333856

With the extended family thing it was partly because I wanted our boy to have a close relationship with his cousins like I have, we always spent time at each others houses as little kids and we're still so close today. He absolutely loves his cousins/second cousins! It seems to be great for his social skills and confidence. But I see what you mean. I am happy to have my nieces and nephews round but it is very tough in the evenings when by partner is off getting drunk leaving me with all the little ones.

coffeeslave

It's really helpful to have your perspective. He is in tech. He wasn't the best developer but instead of letting him go they transitioned him into a Project Manager role. I think that's one of the reasons he loves this place, they actually invested in him when he started off a bit shit.

It's not really the legality of it that worries him, more the fact that things are actually going well for this startup now and they are growing rapidly. The higher roles seem to be those who stay keeping the close knit bond together. In fact one of the reasons they probably didn't let him go is they know how well he gets on with his team. They can't outright fire him but they can ignore him for interesting projects or not renew his contract if they feel he's no longer fitting in.

i have said "just get a new job!" but he's put a lot into this company and they've put a lot into in. I'm not saying that means we should be indebted for life but it makes things more complex. I will talk to him about other work again I think.

When he's with our boy everything is perfect and he has taken my nephews and nieces out to the park, picnics etc. they love their uncle. It's like we live a life of two halves, theirs this half and the half where he is crawling in throwing up on a Thursday morning...

Do you find that you are being passed up for opportunities because of it? That's a big fear for him.

For me it hasnt. But it does happen. I am in a fairly unique position as the only person in my office who can do my job andbi am wuite senior. Also, my director who is the one that progresses me, isnt really into going put and getting hammered. She live almost 2 hours commute away.

Interestingly, I am also in project managment.

The other thing i have done is get involved with organising other things for the office. Games at work, organising things like pizzas, cakes sales. Like the Macmillan coffee morning. A few of us will organise it.

Sounds daft but thinks like that cheer people up, bring people and helps my bind with people in the office.