Married to a problem drinker

[ladiesfingers]

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet.
My DH and I have been married for 16 years and we have three children.
DH has always been a heavy drinker and I used to party with him but over the years, as our family has grown, I drink less and less while he drinks more and more.
Before we had children there were a few booze fuelled incidents that I brushed off as nothing to really worry about. Once he grabbed me by my hair and threatened to punch me in the face, once he punched the wall next to my face and made a hole in the wall and another time he threw a plate of dinner I'd cooked for him at me. I dodged and the plate smashed on the wall. Since having children he has continued to drink so that it's now every day. When our middle child was a baby and I was breast feeding he stayed up all night drinking and when I was cross when he came to bed and woke up me and the baby he grabbed me by my throat, held me down and punched me in the face and gave me a bloody nose. All of those incidents have only happened once but he is often passive aggressive, grumpy and very impatient. At Christmas I told my DH that I couldn't go on like this, after going for counselling alone, but he promised me he'd stop drinking for good. It lasted a few weeks and now it's back to every day again. Reading this I can see how awful our relationship looks and if I read this I'd tell the person to leave, why are you staying? But the flip side to the boozing and aggression is that he's a great Dad, the kids adore him. He can be really helpful around the house, he loves me and we can have a good time together. If I left I think he'd be really miserable and it would have a terrible effect on our children to break up our family. I did speak to my parents about this but they seem to think that I should try to make the marriage work at any cost. My Dad is also a heavy drinker. It's reached a point where I feel really down and worry about what the future holds every day. Does anyone have anything they can share with me to help me work out what to do for the best. My children are my main priority and they love their dad so much. I just don't know what to do for the best.

He's violent to you; their mother so he's not a great dad.

It's not ok for him to be violent to you. Ever. If your children are your main priority then you need to get them away from the violence.

"All those incidents have only happened once"

Please read that back and think about it

It's just a matter of time before he really hurts you

The "problem" is not the drinking. It is that you are living with a violent abusive man.

Couldn't you talk it over with your GP? Since you're dad has been and perhaps still is a heavy drinker, you're biased and have been taught that this is 'normal' but it doesn't sound normal to be grabbed by the throat and being punched in the face, nor does it sound normal to have plates or fists being smashed into the wall close to one's face. Domestic violence is a big problem and nothing you should have to put up with regardless of what you're parents are thinking. The problem there is that when you bring it up with them, you also indirectly criticise them for what was perhaps not such a good childhood. As someone says, if your children are your main priority then you need to get them away from the violence, and you should go and talk to someone neutral about it. If you go and see your GP you don't have to say other than that you have gone to see your GP as you have felt a lump in your throat (which you indeed have, figuratively speaking, so it wouldn't even be a white lie).

your not you're... I'd really like an edit option, please...

Have you asked your children how they feel about it? My mother was an alcoholic and I would have loved it if my father had left her.

He's not a good father, and he is dangerous to you and the DC. Protect yourselves and get out.

You have already failed your DC by staying, but can do something about it.

OK OP you're clearly a loving supportive mother and want to "save your marriage and give your children a happy home"

YOU have done that and more. HE has NOT. A good father would never punch his children's mother, or strangle her or abuse her.
A good father would not put alcohol first - HE does.
But ask yourself, if you're child came to you and asked you about this situation - would you tell them to stay? Honestly? Or would the punch in the face incident whilst they were holding a vulnerable baby horrify you?
You've had a heavy drinking father figure normalised for you by your parents - please don't do this to your children.
This is not your fault, you cannot fix it. The only thing that you can do is to PROTECT your children, leave or have him made to leave. I'm sorry if this upsets you OP. Good luck 🍀

The form of your H's violence in very concerning and dangerous. He is a terrible dad. What an awful climate to raise your children in (I did it too and agonized about what to do for the best). It's a no brainer. But it's very scary to end it because you become so conditioned to it. It's not you breaking up the family - it's him with his violence and alcoholism.

No - no man who is violent towards his wife - ever - is a good dad.

you need to leave. he may end up seriously hurting you. he has clearly chosen alcohol over you and your children.

have you got any family or friends you can talk to? i'm shocked you are trying to justify his violence, since it only happened once?? I know its not as easy as leave, but for your safety and that of your children, you need to get away from this man.

Your mother had children with an alcoholic. And now you've grown up to have children with an alcoholic.

A violent alcoholic who has held you down in bed by your throat, while you held his baby, and beaten you in the face. It is heartbreaking to read you assuring us that he has only done this once. Please, try to think of how that sounds. Your only defence of this horrific assault, in the presence of an innocent baby who could have easily been killed in the melee, is that he has only done it once. OP you have been brutalized so dreadfully, my heart breaks for you and your children.

I'm sorry my love but it doesn't matter how you feel about it, or how he feels about it. It's not about that.

There are innocent children involved here. You've got to get them out of this situation. Or they will just end up reliving the same life that you and your mother have experienced.

Please give your children a chance at happiness and safety in later life. Leave this relationship, at any cost. x

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You saw heavy drinking from your dad as a child so your parents really showed you a poor example of how a relationship should be; they normalised this for you. Their advice as well to make your marriage work at all costs is appallingly bad; theirs was also no fine example. No-one bothered to think about the effects all this would have on you and the effects of their marriage on you is evident to this day. And no he is not a great dad either if he is a drunkard, is violent to you as his wife and commits acts of domestic violence within the home.

Your mother also taught you over the years how to become codependent and your relationship with your H now is mired in codependency as well as alcohol and domestic violence within the home. Its no life for you or particularly for your child to be witness to. Their home should be a sanctuary and its anything but.

The children I would think do not adore their dad so much as fear him and his reactions particularly when he has had a few. Why do you think they adore him at all?. Did you adore your dad? If your children are indeed your main priority here you would remove yourself and them completely away from your H and this toxic dysfunctional environment. They cannot, like you did, grow up thinking this is their "norm" too because it is not.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. Your mother never learnt that and you are making the same old mistakes she did now.

Your own recovery from the violence and his alcoholism will only properly start when you are free of him altogether. Your children are not going to say "thanks mum" for staying with him and in the longer term could well accuse you of being weak and putting him before them. You may have expressed similar thoughts previously re your own mother; she also stayed for her own reasons.

No - he's a prick of a man, a cunt of a husband and a shit of a dad.
Good luck should you stay - you'll need it and so will your poor kids.