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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He told me that he doesnt know how to be a woman and therefore i can not expect him to offer support the way i need it

34 replies

purplerain38 · 17/08/2017 16:05

Hello. I am hurt and confused and same time i wonder if he is right and it all happens because i am selfish and high maintenance as he claims
I am with DP for nearly two years.
Since i met him i always supported him with his issues. And he has many, real or perceived (in my opinion). He gets upset with work,with his landlord, his neighbor, with his boss, his family , money situations, it can be anything. He will always come and tell me about it, i think is a way to vent the stress. I will stay and listen to him hours at a time and he never seems appreciative. I dont expect thank you, i am happy to help but he will always turn and say that i do nothing for him or get upset if i offer a different perspective than his.
On the other hand i rarely bother him with my issues, it seems as he is having enough without mine. The last week many things happened in my life and i am a bit distressed. Today the car broke down and it will cost a lot of money to repair but i will have to because otherwise i can not work. I usually dont get upset over things like that but on top of everything else it just all got too much. I tried to talk to him just to get some emotional support (i guess i was expecting him for once to do what i do for him for two years now) but he seemed uninterested. He only told me that the mechanic is probably a scammer and how his aunt got ripped off by one . And that he is sorry .Then he started telling me about his work issues again.I told him that i am a bit depressed today but he seem so uninterested and he answered that he is not a woman and he can not reply the way i perceive right. Then he made a funny voice saying "i am so sorry" mimicking how a woman would respond and laughing. He said that is all in my head and he is a man and he will use logic to respond . And that i dont care about his problems and i project this to him and i think that he doesnt care either
i know that i am emotional today , but is it too much to expect from him for once what i do for him constantly for two years?

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 17/08/2017 16:12

He sounds like a horrible, thoughtless twat, to be honest.

Bin.

picklemepopcorn · 17/08/2017 16:17

Sounds very one sided. Sounds as if he doesn't respect you. Sounds as if you'd be better off without him.

ptumbi · 17/08/2017 16:26

Bin

Shoxfordian · 17/08/2017 16:27

He's a disrespectful idiot.
Ltb and maybe offer less unconditional emotional support in future

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2017 16:27

What do you get out of this relationship now? Why are you together at all?. Are you really confusing love with codependency; why have his needs been more important than yours?.

HE is the one who is selfish and high maintenance person. Its not you, its him.

This is not a loving respectful relationship in any sense of the word.
Presumably he targeted you because you're nice but could also sense that you are perhaps someone with a too low relationship bar and a people pleaser when it comes to relationships. Ideal therefore for someone like this opportunist to take full advantage of and use.

He needs to be dumped and you need time and space alone to recover from him. Why though have you supported him through his myriad of issues?. You really cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

timeisnotaline · 17/08/2017 16:28

Stop supporting him. You're not a man so you can't be expected to help.

PollytheDolly · 17/08/2017 16:30

ITS ALL ABOUT HIM!

Stay with him, this will be your life. I promise you. You'll get lip service to your issues, maybe. But that's all it will be.

Pallisers · 17/08/2017 16:31

What do you get out of this relationship? I can see what he gets but not you.

He won't change by the way.

Original poster

purplerain38 · 17/08/2017 16:38

Why though have you supported him through his myriad of issues?.
well, isnt that what we supposed to do in a relationship or even friendship, offer support when needed? I see where you coming from though, as he only takes and never gives. Also yes i am probably a doormat when it comes to this

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 17/08/2017 16:38

Trying to work out what you see in him... and failing.

user1493413286 · 17/08/2017 16:41

It sounds like something to talk to him about on another day when you're not feeling emotional. He should support you and it does sound very one sided but if you don't normally ask him for support then it's worth talking about it and seeing what can be done.

Original poster

purplerain38 · 17/08/2017 16:42

Thank you for the replies. To answer to your comments, for sometime now i am trying to understand this relationship and what is normal and what not. But if i try to talk to him he will always blame me , i am paranoid, i dont do anything for him, i am ungrateful , i am this and that . My mind is all messed up and i end up thinking that its me the problem.

OP posts:

PollytheDolly · 17/08/2017 16:45

It's not you, it's him. You need to see how he is changing your thinking my lovely.

NameChange30 · 17/08/2017 16:47

Well he's a cold misogynist and he sounds emotionally abusive too.
If you're cool with that, carry on.
If not, LTB.

StormTreader · 17/08/2017 16:47

"i am paranoid, i dont do anything for him, i am ungrateful , i am this and that ."
Then why is he with you if you're so terrible? Or is it that all those things he says you are arent true and what he really means is "just stay quiet and do what I want, I dont want to have to support you at all"?

SandyY2K · 17/08/2017 16:53

When someone has issues with pretty much everyone else, you have to see that as a warning sign. I reckon he's the problem and not them.

Why can't he get on with anyone without the drama?

That alone would put me off him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2017 16:54

Hi purplerain,

Re your responses in quote marks

Why though have you supported him through his myriad of issues?.
"well, isnt that what we supposed to do in a relationship or even friendship, offer support when needed?"

No in cases like this because all he wants is you to facilitate his life for him. He is a taker and you are a giver. You are his willing and only audience; he has used you throughout your time with him and will simply continue to do so. He will pay lip service to you and is not really interested in what you have to say at all.

"I see where you coming from though, as he only takes and never gives. Also yes i am probably a doormat when it comes to this"

There is no probably about it; you are a doormat and he has taken full advantage of your kindness and overt helpfulness here.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up; what sort of an example did your parents show you?. You saw similar to this as a child?. Who taught you to be codependent in relationships?. You were taught a lot of damaging stuff that now needs to be unlearnt through counselling. I would urge you not to date at all after you have dumped this guy until your own boundaries and relationship bar in relationships are a lot higher.

BeakersofNaiceHam · 17/08/2017 16:56

I think this is based on the idea that men are from mars etc. It's sometimes said that men tend to be fixers and not good at just listening to you vent. That may be a bit of a sexist generalisation but even if it's true I think it would be that if he was a nice person of this type he would listen in a caring way but be trying right away to think of a solution to your problems and maybe get a bit frustrated if you just wanted to talk rather than sort things out. It's not listen for 5 minutes then change the conversation back to himself.

Dappledsunlight · 17/08/2017 16:56

Your mind feels messed up because he's being a nasty, mean minded individuals without a shred of understanding. Lead him to that bin.

sonjadog · 17/08/2017 17:27

He's made it clear he isn't interested in you as a person, he's only interested in himself. I agree that being supportive is an essential part of a relationship, but it must work both ways. If not, what are you getting out of it apart from someone who drains your energy?

IrritatedUser1960 · 17/08/2017 17:30

Sorry, why are you with him?
I fail to see that he has ANY redeeming features.
I think you need to get your self esteem checked by a professional. This guy would have lasted 10 seconds in my house.

IrritatedUser1960 · 17/08/2017 17:31

"You're boring me now", usually shuts them up.

Shoxfordian · 17/08/2017 17:32

You're not the problem but it is an easy problem to solve

Ltb

barbarabraveheart · 17/08/2017 17:58

Definitely leave this dude. He sounds absolutely awful. This sexism of men expecting a level of emotional care that they themselves opt out of providing for their partners is depressingly common though. Here's a paper on the asymmetry between the sexes - due to male entitlement in my opinion (journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0192513X03257413).

You might also want to read wifework and in particular, the chapiter on "the wifely art of emotional caregiving" (even if you're not married).

This is just for interest though. I'd ditch him pretty much immediately. Life is short and shouldn't be wasted.

barbarabraveheart · 17/08/2017 18:00

I would also add that I've known men who could do this so if he can't it's because he's not as competent as they were. Not because of his capacity to produce sperm.

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