Hi everyone just looking for some advice from people who have been in my situation. I would like to cut ties with my mother.
Basically I don't remember having a very happy childhood. It wasn't the worst but it certainly wasn't the best. Growing up my mum didn't believe in grounding kids, so basically if we done something wrong or answered back it would be a physical punishment. It wasn't just a smack, I can remember being dragged by the hair, kicked and punched. Birthdays were never a big deal, I never had a party, never had a birthday cake (not even for my 18th or 21st) and very little gifts (money was not an issue). Growing up I always felt like the black sheep. My older sister was quieter than me so although she had the odd punishment it was mostly me. There were never any family holidays as I grew up. I was never even bought a bra by my mum. My mum had been a young mum herself and was a single mother until she met my stepdad.
My siblings that were my step dads seemed to have a totally different life. They have never been hit, have enjoyed several family holidays, had birthday parties and if there is no party the house is decorated with banners/balloons and they get a cake.
I am the only one out of my siblings to have kids. I fell pregnant with my first child when I was 20 and still at university. My mum made it quite clear she was unhappy about it and expected more from me. She offered me to have an abortion and that she wouldn't tell anyone, it would just be between me and her but I couldn't go through with it. She refused to tell people about it at first saying people would gloat about this and the neighbours would be gossiping. Then when people did start to find out she put a false face on pretending she was over the moon about the news as she didn't want to give them anymore room to talk. Before I had the baby she was determined to be in the labour suite when I gave birth. I had never been particularly close to my mum so I felt a bit pressured by this but by the time I was in labour I was in so much pain I never put a fight. I later realised this was just so she could tell people she was there, as soon as the baby was born she left, she came over to me while I had the baby in my arms after a really tough traumatic labour and I thought she was going to give me a kiss and cuddle for the midwives sake. She kissed the baby and left, no well done or congratulations. After the baby was born she made it clear that I had made my bed and that I would lie in it. She never helped, never watched the baby, never offered to babysit or give me a wee break when it was clear I was struggling. The baby was up through the night a lot, I had lost so much weight that I was down at a size 6 and although I had never told her, I was a victim of domestic abuse.
The reason I never left .. was because I didn't want my mum to worry about what the neighbours would say. I knew she was so disappointed that I had became a "young" mum that I couldn't go back and tell her I was now a "single mum".
A couple of years later I was really struggling, I was so unhappy and decided to leave my partner. I asked my mum if I could move back in. She said yes. The few weeks I was there was even worse than living with my ex. My mum and stepdad hardly spoke to me, snapped at me when they did speak and if I went to my room for something and left my toddler in the living room, then she was brought right back to me. I ended up upset one morning which turned into an argument with my mum and she told me it wasn't working and I was to leave.
I ended up having to go into homeless accommodation. I was there for 6 months in an area I didn't know anyone, with my toddler and still working weekends and trying to finish my qualification at university. In the end I got there. I got a house of my own, finished university and got a job. I had a nursery place for my first born and I started to get on in life. Looking back I don't know why I didn't cut ties with my mum when she made me homeless.
Over the years I have steadily worked my way up in the organisation where I work. However my mum has always had cause to moan. Moaning that I am still paying rent when I SHOULD have a mortgage, sending me more senior jobs to apply for (even when I don't have the necessary qualification or skills in that area).
I now have two kids, my mum makes no effort to come and see them, never asks how I am or how the kids are. She will message me sometimes daily to tell me something, a neighbour has died or she is waiting on someone coming to do her kitchen etc etc. She sometimes asks my siblings to send her videos of my kids so she can show the people she works with and her neighbours. Or she will ask what my title at work is these days again so she can boast to people.
My 30th Birthday came and went this year. My mum didn't even come to see me, she had conveniently booked a few days away with the family (me and my older sister not invited or included). She sent a cheap card with £100 in it. I was so upset about it all, the card was so cheap and flimsy, there was no daughter on it and I was disappointed she hadn't even given me it herself. I transferred £100 back into her bank account, she never mentioned it.
A few weeks later it was my sisters 24th birthday. Every birthday is special but its not a milestone. My mum had decorated her house with banners, balloons and ordered a specific cake from a cake shop. I just felt like that one day showed how differently we are treated.
I have realised that my mum will never change, she feels like the world owes her a favour, everything is about her and the image she wants to maintain. She likes the neighbours to think she is a great mother, friend and neighbour, and is a people pleaser (well to everyone except her own daughters, my older sister feels the way I do but it doesn't seem to bother her as much).
After all these years I feel I should be used to her by now and I should know she won't change, she wont ever help me and she won't ever offer to see or babysit the kids but for some reason every time it happens I am disappointed all over again. There are days that affects me more than others and I feel like I would rather just cut ties with her to save my own sanity.
Sorry that was practically a novel there but I wanted to try give as fair a picture of the situation as I could. I would really appreciate if anyone could give me advice on how they dealt with their situation. TIA x