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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Working on your marriage?

10 replies

ItsABitPersonal · 17/08/2017 08:57

Has anyone ever stayed in a rocky marriage, worked through the issues and been glad they did?

H and I seem to have abruptly fallen out of love this year, and I'm trying to figure out what I'll wish I had done when I'm 50 (I'm 40 now). I watched my parents not like each other very much for years and then divorce in their 50's.

Our issues are tediously predictable. He thinks we don't have enough sex. I think he doesn't pull his weight in the house or with the kids. We have two youngish DC and never get the opportunity to spend any time together. When we do we don't seem to enjoy each other's company.

I have a fantasy of living on my own with the DC. When he comes home from work short tempered and uncommunicative I find myself browsing rightmove to see where we could live.

I'd be poor. The DC would be very sad, and that's really the reason for my hesitation. But I'd like to think that one day I could live with a man who likes me, and I don't think what I'm doing at the moment is going to help me achieve that.

OP posts:

HerOtherHalf · 17/08/2017 09:11

He thinks we don't have enough sex. I think he doesn't pull his weight in the house or with the kids.

These two are directly related. Whilst it may not be the only blocker, you being tired and resentful because he is not pulling his weight and expecting you to run the household is not going to make you feel romantically inclined. It's also a lot harder to get in the mood when you're knackered. You can't solve this one but he can.

We have two youngish DC and never get the opportunity to spend any time together.

It may not be easy but you need to find ways to make time. Having time to yourselves occasional is essential as is each having time to do your own separate things. When you have kids it is right that they should be the centre of your universe, but they should not be your whole universe.

When we do we don't seem to enjoy each other's company.

Do you think that is fundamentally because you are just incompatible or because of the current strains on your relationship? When did you last truly enjoy each other's company and how long did that stage of your relationship last? Maybe do some reflection and think about whether there is something to be fixed or if it never really existed to begin with.

I'd be poor. The DC would be very sad, and that's really the reason for my hesitation.

Struggling to make ends meet is better IMHO than being trapped in a miserable relationship with a partner you don't want to be with. The DC might be sad initially because no child relishes the uncertainty of their parents splitting up but they will get over that. There is no reason they cannot have loving and fulfilling relationships with you and their dad if you live separately. If you stay together they will be impacted negatively by the atmosphere and lack of love between their parents.

Nadinexo1 · 17/08/2017 09:11

I'm in a very similar situation where we bicker about the same things all the time. I've tried to leave before but he starts to help out more and be more romantic then after a month it all starts again.
I don't want to leave because of the children but I feel ill be stuck like this until the kids are older.
sorry for the lack of advise. it just sounded exactly like what I'm going through.

Heratnumber7 · 17/08/2017 09:15

OP, I think you've described lots of marriages in your post!

The DCs will get older and more independent, but life can be a bit of a drudge while they're young.

Do you work? If you don't, I'd think about it. It gets you out of the daily housework grind, and you could pay for a cleaner

It's not right, but it's a fact - DH will also be more inclined to share housework etc, and you'd have a more equal relationship. (Not my opinion, but how he might see it)

Original poster

ItsABitPersonal · 17/08/2017 09:18

Thanks for the replies HerOtherHalf, some good things to think about. I don't know the answers regarding when we last had fun, but we definitely did used to! I need to have a good think.

Nadinexo1, it's rubbish isn't it. I'm not even sure if H is going to make any effort. He's a stubborn sod, and it's possible he wants out more than I do.

I wish I had a crystal ball.

OP posts:

Gorgosparta · 17/08/2017 09:19

Me and dh have. And honestly its better than ever.

The main difference was that we werent staying for the kids. We wanted to make it work because we still loved eachother and didnt want to be without eachother. We just werent getting on.

We agreed to try one last time. Got some counselling together. Dh still has counselling alone for some issues.

We both discussed that if it didnt resolved the issues that it would be the end.

I too have fanatsied about being alone and think if i wasnt with dh i would not live with a partner again. But ultimately i want to be with dh more.

You need to decide what it really is you want, then decide your next move.

If you dont want to be with him, its best for the kids that you split.

Original poster

ItsABitPersonal · 17/08/2017 09:22

I'm quite lucky in that my options are fairly open. I work 4 days a week and earn a similar amount to H. However we live in the Home Counties so a good salary gets eaten up by the mortgage. We have a cleaner (she's rubbish but that's another thread!).

But he has a time consuming hobby and seems to actively want to spend a great deal of time away from the family. If he ended up having the kids EOW and overnight midweek I reckon I'd probably have more time to myself than I do now.

OP posts:

TheFifthKey · 17/08/2017 09:23

I left that sort of marriage. I guess we could have worked on it, but I doubt it would ever have been truly fulfilling for either of us. It's been really hard at times but we're both seeing other people now and happier in ourselves - I know for me life is so much better now I feel in control of my own destiny. It's sad that the kids don't have that family life, for sure, but on the other hand they've had some great experiences with their father that I just don't think we would have had as a family - he's had to step up and do things with them rather than kernel me come up with all the ideas. And life in my house is more relaxed, no bickering, we march to the beat of our own drum and I don't feel criticised or worn down by drudgery. I do things as and when I want to.

Peanutbuttercheese · 17/08/2017 09:49

DH and I seperated at the beginning of the year, instigated by me.

We had some serious issues as well as the usual domestic stuff. He was in denial around these issues which meant I felt suffocated and unsupported. The divorce lawyer said I could divorce him easily for unreasonable behaviour.

When it came to the actual crunch it sort of put everything in to perspective. What followed was a few months of painful and hideous talks. It was honestly horrendous. We are now in a better place.

Original poster

ItsABitPersonal · 17/08/2017 09:56

Don't answer if it's too personal Peanutbutter, but I'm interested in logistically how the separation worked. Did you both stay in the house? If you have DC, how did you explain it to them?

Also, how did you handle the talks? Did you have any structure? H and I have always been sulkers rather than talkers so I have no idea how to go about this.

OP posts:

nigelsbigface · 17/08/2017 11:47

My marriage also broke up for those kind of reasons. I've had a miserable 18 months (for other reasons to do with h's behaviour that became apparent after the fact-it emerged a few weeks after he'd moved out that he had been having an affair with my best friend who had been supporting me through our marital issues-and who I loved like a sister-and that devastated me on top of the feelings of loss that accompany a marriage ending even when you have been part of the decision making process).
The kids have been ok-ish. Dd2 is a bit quieter than she was but that might also be in some part due to her growing up-she is 10 and pre teen hormones are kicking in.
If it hadn't been for h's actions I would be much happier today than I was when married-and I am getting over what happened and starting to feel much better...
I remember being very lonely when married-constantly feeling unloved and unlovable and as if I wasn't quite good enough and our marriage wasn't right. Everyone said we were a great couple but I was screaming inside from frustration and misery.
I don't feel like that anymore.

I am poorer. But I am happier on balance.
I am 37-was 35 when we stated talking about separating. My mum initially put it down to my age-that feeling of having to change things now when I was just about young enough to have another chance at being happy-and judging from the amount of people in my friendship group going through similar I'd say there was something in that.

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