How do I resolve this?

[Baalsback]

I'm married with one child. We always said we wanted 2 children. Our daughter is almost 2 and I feel the same intense urge to get on with conceiving as I did just before we had her. At the beginning of this year we agreed to start trying for a baby in autumn. He's now saying he doesn't want to. He doesn't know if he ever wants to.

What am I supposed to do? I can't force him to have another child. I love him and want to be with him but how can I be if he won't have any more children? I'm getting stressed because I don't want an enormous age gap between my children (and I'm not getting any younger).

If your advice is to be thankful for the child I have or focus on her, please believe me when I say and I am extremely thankful and never take a moment of our time together for granted. But unfortunately it doesn't seem to work like that; I can't stop my longing for another child by simply telling myself I already have one.

I'd sit down with him and have a very honest discussion. Ask him why he doesn't want another child and explain your feelings. Ultimately if this is a real breaker he needs to know without being blackmailed into having another.
He could like the life he has now and doesn't want it to change...but life always changes and it won't always be as it is now.
Good luck xxx

He has back pedalled and needs to have a very good reason for doing so

People are allowed to change their minds about stuff, whether that's little stuff or the really big stuff. Often people - of both sexes - say "they want 2 kids" and mean it. Then once the first comes along, they realise that one is enough. It can be for practical reasons - finance, stress, labour was appalling - or purely a gut feel. A baby is like chucking a grenade into a relationship and another one could really damage the relationship because you're not having enough time for each other as everything is focused on the children.

I always think the important question at the outset is "do you want children?" He said yes. You have one. You have a family. If it's a good one and he is a good man, it would be a shame to split up a loving family because you WANT something. What if you left? A child that flits between its two parents and you actually don't meet someone else to have another child with?

I would strongly suggest
a) a really good, caring chat or chats with your OH
b) possibly consider some therapy

I've spoken to him about it. He's stated his feelings and I respect them. I don't want to keep on having the chats because I don't want to put him under pressure. It's his choice and I get that people can change their minds. We had a really big talk a few weeks ago.

I now feel sad and depressed. He asks what's wrong and I can't tell him - I can't say "I'm depressed I can't have any more children" because that's essentially saying he's caused my sadness. It doesn't feel fair to put it on him.

We have a brilliant family life. He is a good man. The first year was very hard with our daughter and I understand his fear of going back to that place. But I feel quite strongly that things will be different the next time around.

Shatner - thank you for your response but honestly, suggesting therapy in this instance is absolutely absurd. This isn't the 1950s - we can't go around telling women that they need help from mental health professionals because their views don't fit with their husband's

Baal Why on earth is it absurd? I've seen LOTS of threads on MN over the years where couples are in precisely your situation and many people would suggest therapy. The fact that you have jumped on me and from out of nowhere seem to think I am suggesting therapy simply because a woman's view differs from a man's is far more absurd than my suggestion,

You could BOTH meet with a counsellor to go through BOTH of your feelings. Maybe to help your husband see that while you respect his feelings, that perhaps his fears are unjustified, or that they are natural and understandble but perhaps that they might change in another year or two. He might feel totally different in a years' time and three or four years difference in ages between two children is scarcely the end of the world.

Or you could discuss your feelings with the counsellor to help you with this longing for another child. Lots of women have been in your situation and done that, you know!

It may not change anything whatsoever, nor might you both seeing a counsellor. But refusing to even consider the possibility that doing so, either singly or as a couple, when potentially your marriage is at stake, seems absurd to me.

Good luck.

Sorry you're in this predicament OP.

It's difficult to know what to suggest.

You've said you don't want to discuss it with him any further as he has given his reasons.

Counselling together has been dismissed.

Even bringing it up with him again is off the cards.

I think that leaves you to accept it and feel deeper sadness as times goes on and ultimately ending feeling resentment which could have a huge detrimental consequence.

It's funny that it took me "jumping on you" to cause your elaboration. I don't see anything about "BOTH" going to a counsellor in the strong advice of your first post.

I suppose it's the semantics that make it confusing for me as well. You suggested therapy but then talk about counselling - in my opinion two very different things. I'm a "therapist" but I certainly have no experience or skill in counselling anybody.

Also, it's your opinion that three or four years' difference between siblings isn't a problem. And that's true for you - it clearly wouldn't be and that's a valid standpoint. But everyone exists within the context of their own experience. And so what is scarcely the end of the world for you, might be exactly that for the next person.

People can change their minds. Having kids is bloody hard and know he has the one, maybe he doesn't want to go through it again. After 2 I knew I was done.

Maybe it will help to be honest with. Him. Tell him your not pressuring him but sometimes you just feel sad about it.

He asks what's wrong and I can't tell him - I can't say "I'm depressed I can't have any more children" because that's essentially saying he's caused my sadness. It doesn't feel fair to put it on him. Why not? It's the truth. What makes his feelings more important than yours?

Agree with ^^. Yes he can change his mind, but you need to process it. You feel betrayed and you haven't really come to terms with whether you can continue in the relationship long term with his having major decisions you find very difficult.

You are seriously overreacting to other posters who said a bigger age gap isn't the end of the world! Unless you mean there is some medical reason, you aren't that special to dictate exactly how life goes. Many many couples have age gaps larger than they'd like due to taking a long time to conceive second children. If you would just give up after a year of trying because a larger age gap would be the end of the world to you, (overdramatic much?) then you can't want a baby that much, so problem solved.

If you don't tell your husband why you feel depressed then I think the resentment will just build over time.

Yanbu to be disappointed and he is nbu to change his mind. If you won't discuss this issue with him then your only choices are counselling so that you can get over your broodiness or leaving and finding a partner to have the second child with.

Can I ask you to elaborate on why a larger age gap would be horrendous?