Now I'm a lone parent I have no-one 'on my side' against my parents (long, sorry).

[dangermouseisace]

...and I don't know what to do.

Our history is that my parents were physically and emotionally abusive, which resulted in me ending up in psychiatric care as an adolescent. I don't believe my parents were deliberately abusive- I think they probably parented just about as well as they were able to, as they didn't come from great backgrounds themselves. I never went home again after MH staff uncovered what had been going on at home. Family therapy with selected members of my family meant that we worked on having a relationship though, and I felt myself fortunate that things had changed, and I could now have a good relationship with my parents, although I prefer to keep an emotional distance from them. I forgave rather than forgot IYSWIM. We don't talk about what happened, ever. I don't think my dad knows why I was so messed up. As my mother was alcoholic she probably doesn't remember much anyway. I didn't think there was any point discussing it with them- the past is in the past etc.

Marriage and kids happened, and my parents have a good relationship with my children. I laid down ground rules from before they were born around violence- that has been stuck to. Other rules, mainly around money, haven't been stuck to. My mother, in particular, takes great offence when I say I don't agree with what she is doing/what she is planning to do with regards the kid. She can be verbally quite nasty. E.g this week I got sworn at, told I was full of hate etc, because I disagreed with her over whether my children should be paying for a very small present for their sibling out of their pocket money, or whether she should pay for something massive 'from them'. The children were present for this (and told her off for swearing). This is just an example, by the way, not the whole crux of the issue.

I'm trying to bring my kids up to be happy, considerate, competent human beings. In the past my ex would stick up for me and talk to them. They would be more polite to him (but still ignore what we/he said!)

I've noticed over the past year that they way my parents speak to me is changing for the worse. Not just about issues regarding my kids. They don't talk to me like I talk to other adults. They don't talk to me with the same level of respect that I use towards them. I don't swear at them, or tell them to shut up, or boss them around in their own home. I no longer have my ex to help me stand up to them, and it's like I've got the 2 of them against me on my own. They make me out to be unreasonable when I'm not being unreasonable!

In an ideal world I would have gone NC with my parents decades ago, but I didn't. And now, my kids adore them and I can't go NC now either.

But what can I do to help defend myself against my parents? I'd happily never see them again as I feel I've got enough shit going on in my life, and I feel crap enough, without them adding to it and making me feel even worse. I'm currently unwell and unable to work, and I don't feel my relationship with my parents is helping my recovery. Any tips?

You can still go NC if you want to. And your children might enjoy their time with them but they will find the sniping and rudeness wearing and upsetting, so don't overestimate it.

Have you read the Captain Awkward blog? She gives a lot of really good advice about how to deal with toxic behaviour like this, and is really positive and helpful.

I think your parents' behaviour is probably making things a lot worse for you. Don't underestimate how damaging and distressing it is to deal with such abuse.

I would probably go NC with them in your situation: your children will cope, especially if you explain that you're not going to see them until they can behave better, or that you've had to stop seeing them because they were being so hurtful. Better a small amount of upset now than your children learn that there are no consequences for treating people as badly as your parents treat you.

What on the rise wrote.

You owe your parents precisely nothing and they are still making you ill.

Your parents have not changed one bit since childhood and they have unsurprisingly never apologised nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions. Such disordered of thinking toxic people really never apologise.

You all need to be no contact with your abusive family of origin. It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them this way. It will do your children no favours at all for them to see you as their parent being so disrespected continuously; it will send them mixed messages and it will emotionally harm them.

They were not good parents to you and toxic people become toxic grandparents. Your children are not emotionally mature to realise that they are being manipulated here by their grandparents and your mother has already crossed (ignored) one of your boundaries re giving your kids money. I would also think that your children do not actually adore them either really; they see how you as their mother is treated and are perhaps looking for their approval as well.

It has to stop and stop now. You are the parent and these young people rely on you to make good decisions for them; they continuing to see your parents at all is not a good decision. Contact with your parents is and has harmed you; it will harm them as well if this continues.

Re this comment:-
"Family therapy with selected members of my family meant that we worked on having a relationship though"

Given your parents abuse of you in childhood this is the worst course of action they could have taken. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within a relationship. Who were these family members?. Presumably as well you were coerced into it. The person who counselled you should be reported particularly if they are a member of any counselling body; these sessions should never have taken place. It's done a awful lot more harm than good.

Do read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Some context: I am now NC with my parents and it's so much easier. I was concerned how my children would deal with it as I too thought they were fond of my parents: but they've never expressed any regret and on the odd occasion my parents are mentioned in conversation my children wince, and tell stories of the dysfunctional things they did. It's worked well for us, but it has been very painful and difficult. Better, though, than trying to accommodate them would have been.

Atilla has some very good advice IMHE. She has helped me immensely and I really cannot thank her enough.

In my case, my mum was emotionally 'stunted' (for want of a better word) and abusive toward me. She was very charming toward everyone else and she has done a fantastic job on my younger brother. He is far worse than my mum, in the sense that he has dragged my kids into the shitstorm that is between myself and mum. He refuses to talk to my DC, even though they have done nothing to him personally, and his wife has unfriended me on FB, even though these issues are between me and mum only. Br2 and his DW are simply interfering in affairs that have absolutely diddly squat to do with them.

The last time I spoke to mum was when I told her straight that I would put the same effort into our relationship that she was putting in. This was sweet FA, so I decided the best course of action was to go NC, as she never even phoned to see how the DC are, in over 9 months. That tells me all I need to know about her being a "loving grandmother", as she so put's it. So loving that she doesn't care enough to ring her GC.

I'm still at a low point, but I know deep down that I did the right thing and also that I will be OK in the end.

We are planning to move back to the town (let's call it town A) we lived in before moving to my home town (town B which is over 350 miles away). We aren't telling anyone, except those who we can trust to keep it to themselves.

TBH OP, I would absolutely go NC with your family. It will be hard, because you do a lot of thinking and sometimes weaken your stance with the "What if's". BUT, your mum is reverting back to her usual self, and your DC have had an eye-opening glimpse of what she is really like and has put you through you over the years. Keep them away from such toxicity.

Your mum may have been raised in an abusive household, but when she had her own DC, she could have made an effort to parent you all better, and break the cycle of abuse that she went through. Instead, she CHOSE to raise you, pretty much the same way her parents raised her.

Looking at the background she was raised with, helps to understand what drives her parenting, but it absolutely isn't an excuse for any abusive behaviour. At the end of the day, she is an adult. She could have chosen to get help to be a better parent to you, but the way she brought you up was a CHOICE, not an inevitability. How she raise you was not what was in your best interests, it's what suited herself at the time.

I hope you find peace in your decisions and make the best choices regarding your DC.

Take care OP, and all the best for your new future

GPs are masssively over-rated. I only had one (the rest died before I was born) and she was awful.

Your children may be fond of them, due to being habituated to them, but if their behaviour is damaging to you and your children, all of you are much better off without them.

Btw I'm generally all for staying in contact if at all possible.

Very few families have no dysfunction in them.

But there's a difference between dysfunctional but basically decent people and parents who have been abusive to the point of your ending up in hospital, now falling back into their old patterns.

sorry for taking so long to respond- been off making the most of the weather with the kids. Thank you for your replies. I was hoping for some magic solution where I could keep everyone happy, that I hadn't discovered myself, but perhaps there just isn't one.

I suppose my view of GP's is tempered by my own experience where I loved staying with my paternal GM and her husband (who was an all round wonderful man) who lived in another country. We were never hit by them, and they had v little money so spent time with us doing small things of great value- taking us to the park, teaching us to make a cake completely by hand, growing veg, teaching us to skim stones, going on walks...all things that I've tried to explain to my parents, you cannot put a price on. I'd hoped my parents might mellow into those sort of grandparents, but it never happened.

Attila thanks for the signposting and the advice. My dad was kicked out of the family therapy at a fairly early stage as they worked out what was going on with him pretty quickly. I continued with just my mother, as she was seen as a victim of psychological abuse from my dad (true at the time). I just didn't tell staff anything about what she did...I didn't actually tell them anything about anything at all- they had to work it out for themselves, as I had been brought up to trust no-one outside the family. You're right I was coerced- I was on a section so no choice! It was all a very, very long time ago.

scruffbags sorry to hear your situation has the added complexity of siblings. Your plan sounds like my idea of heaven, though! Good luck!

It's interesting to hear from people that have gone NC after having kids. I only know RL people who went NC before kids, thereby avoiding the grandchild relationship conundrum. I'm going to have to do some reading, and thinking. Thank you all