is anyone else really low in confidence after an abusive relationship?

[curiousgirrl]

does anyone else experience this low confidence? feeling bad about yourself, comparing yourself to others all the time? i feel in some ways over my abusive relationships, but this low confidence has such an impact on my new relationship and also just on my happiness in general. does anyone else feel like this?

thank you xx

Yes, it's part of the pattern, they need to grind you down in order to control you. It will have taken you a long time to lose yourself so it will take some time to get it back.

Can you have some counselling or do some online courses to try and help you to get your confidence back? You should definitely look at the Freedom Programme to try and stop you from drifting back into another abusive relationship too.

thank you for your reply. yes, it's frustrating because i already feel it's been too long being like this! like, shouldn't i be ok by now? do you know what I mean?

i am looking into these things.. it's a good suggestion- thank you so much

Yes 100% i doubt myself about everything now and get really anxious in certain situations. I have massive trust issues in new relationships and even need reassurance on opinions on new men. I hate what ex has done to me.
I do think recognising it is a major step to start rebuilding op so good luck you are on your way.

Yes! It still effects me 3 years later - when I think my (newish) BF will act a certain way because ex did & I get anxious about his reaction & then he's nice about it I'm surprised.

Yes. DM had to tell me stop asking her if she was ok! I'd spent so long treading on eggshells checking that XH wasn't angry I was constantly on edge and worried that I'd done something to displease whoever I was with.

Could there be a reason why you were vulnerable to an abusive relationship initially. Like childhood/adolescent issues?

Yes definitely, so much so I jumped straight into another relationship with an equally abusive man because I was so desperate to prove I wasn't useless and someone else would want me.
When I met my know H it took me a long time to stop asking if I was 'allowed' to do stuff, or flinch if he came near me.
sometimes now if we are out I find myself saying ridiculous things like 'do you mind if I go to the toilet!'

thank you all so much. this helps me to feel less alone about it in some way

i struggle with knowing what to think about my new relationship. i am on the look out for signs of abuse/ putting me down/ manipulation, etc., and I end up thinking that I am too much on the look out, and that in fact my partner is not wrong: I am. I feel a lot of the time that I just can't trust myself, and I don't know what to believe any more.

I have been told that this difficulty in trusting your own beliefs is a side-effect of abusive relationships. What do others think?

and headinhands, yes, it's an important question. i suppose i'm not sure. i'll think about it.

Oh yes, me. But the lack of confidence pre-dates the abusive relationship. It's why psychotherapy has really helped me to learn properly, the lessons that the relationship had to teach me. And big lessons from much further back. Old patterns die hard though, and that's OK (am in a new relationship of 18 months and still catch myself anticipating the odd bad reaction, which never materialises). IMO the relationship worth the most investment is the one you have with yourself. Pass the sick bucket/vomit emoji etc. I think it's true though. I might've got lucky but I cannot recommend good therapy highly enough.

I did a self esteem group through my counselling and a domestic abuse group with women's aid.