LTB or is there a way forward?

[catsdogsandmice]

My DH has a default setting of pretending nothing is wrong - ever. Neither of us is perfect, so from time to time shit happens but he will never discuss or try to find a way forward after a row, no matter how upset I am. He thinks that if he just carries on as normal, talks to me as though there is no great big fucking elephant in the room, then eventually all will be well again, so there is therefore no need to try and work through what the problem is.

BUT surely if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll get what you always got and nothing will ever change? If I'm hurt by something he has (or sometimes hasn't) done, I find it frustrating and hurtfull that I'm the one crying or angry and he seemingly doesn't give a shit, and he won't do or say anything to make me feel loved or secure. He just carries on as though he is oblivious (he's not).

I'm not usually looking for an inquest and/or to apportion blame, but just to talk things through but he won't. I'm starting to feel very resentful about this....no actually, I'm feeling completely fucking desperate now and after a row last week (dont want to go into detail as it is outing) I moved into the spare room and told him if he wants a proper relationship with me again, he needs to talk to me about how we can make changes (not saying I'm perfect by the way, I'm absolutely prepared for him to say he wants changes from me too - only he fucking wont will he, because once again he thinks if he just treats me as though everything is "normal", eventually life will return to how it was without him having to do anything).

I've probably painted myself into a corner, I was so frustrated, angry and hurt by something he did though that I was incapable of looking ahead and deciding what I would do if my grand gesture didn't work. Am beginning to think the only thing left to me is TLB, I don;t really want to do that, but I can't live like this any more. Any ideas?

He sounds infuriating! My XH was very conflict averse - would just stand and stare at me blankly and then say "I don't know what you want me to say". I would get more and more upset/angry about whatever it was that had bothered me because I was banging my head against a wall.

Not sure what to suggest as my solution was pretty final hence the X.

On the other hand current DP likes to talk things to death and sometimes I wish he'd just let it lie so maybe there is a happy middle ground somewhere?!

What do you actually want?

He's not going to change
He's not making you happy

You either accept that's the way he is and live with it, or move on

If he wont listen can you write him a letter. Ask him to just read it and think about it.

I'm amazed you have lasted this long with someone like that. My DP drives me potty hiding his head in the sand but if I insist we talk he will relent.

How about a letter, as Rafi suggests? Or maybe emailing back and forward would work? Maybe it's the emotional, in the moment aspect of talking about things that he shies away from, and having a discussion in writing would work.

If that doesn't work, then sorry, no more suggestions.

Thank you for all the replies. I've tried email in the past, the most I get out of him is a statement about how he doesn;t see how going over things helps, that it's much better to just move on. We're doomed really aren't we if I can't live with him the way he is? I feel so sad

he doesn;t see how going over things helps, that it's much better to just move on
Isn't that the same as saying "Shut the fuck up bitch. Get over it. I'm not changing anything. I don't give a fuck what you think and even fewer fucks how you feel. Move on, suck it up and understand whose feelings matter, MINE, and I'm totally fine with what happened. Have you shutted up yet woman?"

Husband is exactly the same & I start to think it's me! No answers I am afraid but watching with interest x

RunRabbitRunRabbit You know you've summed it up - that's exactly how it makes me feel ! and it's shit.

he doesn;t see how going over things helps, that it's much better to just move on

If he starts that again you can say you've been doing it his way for years and as it's meant to be a partnership he ought to want what's best for you too and that's not been the case for far too long.

Another one whose husband is the same. We have (after a lot of arguments) got to the point at which he talks, but takes little responsibility, avoids saying what he thinks, which makes me feel left in the dark, and when he says he'll make changes they don't last long.
So sympathy, but no answers, sorry.