Agrression

[mummytwofour]

My DH gets incredibly angry. He's a lot worse if he's drank alcohol. We've been having a stressful few months and have argued quite a lot. We had an argument tonight, quite a normal argument, he was working on the house I wanted help with the kids etc. The problem is how he deals with the arguments.

He has had a few drinks tonight and decided that the argument is going to escalate. He's got in my face shouting and swearing so much he woke my 3 year old up crying because daddy's scaring him. He has said he doesn't love me, I'm pathetic because all I do is cry, couldn't care less if I left him tomorrow and thinks I'm a piece of shit.

He has slammed the doors and thrown things across the room. He's never hit me or anything but he did push me earlier during the argument. (I'm 20 weeks pregnant) he is like this after most arguments and a lot worse after alcohol.

Tomorrow he will not say sorry or admit any fault but he will expect everything to go back to normal. I honestly don't think I can live like this anymore. I love my husband and I never thought I would be in a situation where my family could fall apart. I don't want the kids to have a split up family. But I don't think this can be normal? Or do I have an unrealistic fairytale picture of what married/family life is really like??

Lease phone women's aid and have a talk with them. Have you anyone in RL you can confined in?

This is absolutely not normal or loving. You don't and your children deserve so much more

Please * sorry tipsy

Im sorry you having to deal with this when you are pregnant. Its absolutely not right any time, but i know how impactfull can it be when your hormones are also all over the place making you confused and little unbalanced anyway. This is no way to be treated, or allow to be treated. When he says he doesnt love you is it just as matter of argument? You need to figure this out. Can you talk to him when he is sober and when you are both calm? Just telling him how it makes you feel and trying to work out a solution together? The moment you pretend like nothing happened, you basically allowing him to treat you that way. You should go about your business as normal but you do need to have that unavoidable chat with him. This is not a good environment for pregnant lady and childern and lets be honest it isnt going to make DH any better either.

He is abusive

Your kids should not be onlookers to this

My ex h started like this and it eventually turned into slapping, then punching, kicking, headbutting. My advice would be to leave asap, stay safe and get in touch with woman's aid.

A "split up family" is better than one where a 3 y old child is woken by their daddy shouting at and pushing their mummy. It's better than one where young children grow up in an atmosphere of fear. It's better than children growing up thinking this is how relationships work and that this is normal.

Honestly it is so much better for your children to grow up in a split family than one where their dad scares them and upsets their mum, where pushing is ok (and once it inevitably escalates, even worse.)

These things often ramp up during pregnancy, a push or shove, a slap, then a punch, as Starlight has sadly experienced. The end of this escalation is when one of your children finds you beaten black and blue or dead.

Your children shouldn't have to grow up in a house where anger and physical aggression is a regular thing. It's not a 'fairytale' to expect better than this.

You need to walk away and ideally try and get something in writing where he confesses pushing you so that you have a reason to not send your DCs to stay with him.

If you were to text or email him something stating why you are leaving - that his anger and drinking are problematic and that he stepped over the line when he pushed you - do you think he would reply?

I don't know if that's enough to stand as evidence? When I had dealings with the police in a previous relationship, a text admission that he would replace something he had broken was seen as enough to charge him if I chose to.

I'm sorry that's not what you want to hear, but nobody is going to say that's ok. Some people might suggest counselling but life is too short to waste trying to fix a broken man. It's on him to sort himself out, if he really gave a shit he would be heart broken that he had treated you so badly and would be trying to help himself, giving up alcohol, getting counselling himself etc. He's not. That says a lot.

This is not normal. Dump him. You and your kids deserve far better, and as you have seen, it is already affecting your three year old.

This is unacceptable and abusive behaviour
It's only a matter of time until he does hit you
Ltb

Thanks for all your replies, he says it's my fault because if i didn't argue with him he wouldn't have to get that angry. Part of me thinks this is true and maybe I should just get on with things more but then the other part thinks you can't go your whole life not arguing but it's how you deal with it that matters.

I haven't really got anyone other than family I could talk to and I've never wanted to admit how bad the relationship can get. But perhaps I should just be honest and spend a bIt of time away at my mums. I just don't want to regret my decision and I feel like once I leave there's no going back.

But I do know that the aggressive behaviour is no good for my kids to grow up with. I don't feel like he's done enough for me to call women's aid or to stop him seeing the kids but it would kill me if he acted like that towards them and I wasn't there.

Saying it's your fault is really classic abusive reasoning. It is not your fault that he chooses not to control his aggression around you. Is he this aggressive at work for example or with his friends? Of course not because he knows there would be consequences.

Please do call womens aid. It is there to help you and don't underplay his aggressive behaviour.

Please consider staying at your mum's place and telling her about it all.

he says it's my fault because if i didn't argue with him he wouldn't have to get that angry

That is bullshit and he's just passing the blame for his failings on to you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life not even being able to disagree with him, To give up your right to an opinion and independent thought? Do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on egg shells for fear of setting him off?

He is an abusive bully and you risk serious emotional and psychological damage for both you and your children as long as you tolerate this. The drink is not an excuse. It may exacerbate his anger but when he's sober, and has the opportunity to reflect, he has the option to recognise how drink effects him and choose not to drink. You need to get out, for your sake and your kids. If you stay it will only get worse.

This is not your fault. Dont let him make you believe it, or you will start blaming yourself for any consequences of his bs behaviour. Call womens aid to talk it through. And if you can talk to him when he is sober! Tell him confidently you wont put up with it. But if you think this would set him off then just write him a letter or something and spend some time at your parents. He needs to know how you feel about this as he may think its acceptable.