How do you stop feeling ?

[notacheater]

firstly apologies to those who are going through bloody awful times after finding out their DH's have had affairs. I don't want to upset you I just want to know.

I am married, and so is my colleague, we started off as friendly but nothing more, followed loads of compliments, we got on really well. We came to be very close friends, and had we both been single that friendship would have become more. We realised this and quickly put a stop to it, and have gone back to being friendly work colleagues. We didn't sleep together, we didn't get intimate with each other, but we did invest a lot of emotional time with each other - this has also stopped.

We are both happily married to other people, and I have no intention of cheating, because of the promises I made, because of the promises he made amongst other things.

We don't talk about how close we were, we talk about our families, what we're doing and planning our futures with our spouses.

During this time I know I developed feelings for him, and they are still there, how do I stop them ?

i'd be interested in how to do this too, as my bf is emigrating next week and i cam not coping v well

I think the best thing to do would be either to look for a new job or ask for a transfer to another department. Take yourself out of harm's way and your feelings will eventually subside.

I don't think you can stop feeling, you just have to change the way you feel.

Not much help sorry

I think that as time passes, you will find your feelings change to more platonic ones. I know I did anyway. You just need to manage them in the meantime...

Not easy.

I moved countries to leave my partner. We didn't see each other for nine months. Still didn't work.

But we're now happily together

I moved countries, too.

I still think about him sometimes, but mostly of all the fallout from it.

moving jobs not an option, and we're in different depatments, on different sites too

Think about what you are not getting in your marriage that your colleague was able to give you. Can you re-engineer your marriage a bit to get more out of it?

well then, I guess the best thing to do is withdraw as much as you can emotionally. It sounds like you're still either meeting up or corresponding somehow in a non-work sense so maybe cut that out as much as you can?

the thing is I get everything from my marriage, I have a brilliant husband, and couldn't ask more, I honestly don't know how I managed to get close to someone else.

the colleague is lovely, and doesn't give me anything that I don't already get, he also said that there is nothing missing in his marriage.

yes our paths do cross, and we chat in public, as I would with any other colleague - nice weekend etc - nothing illicit

and I have withdrawn completely emotionally away from him, these are feelings bottled up inside me that I can't talk to anyone about in RL

notacheater - I think you ought to see a counsellor so that you can talk about your feelings with someone neutral. Please, please do this.

I don?t think you can stop feeling, but I think you can come to terms with the fact that those feelings can never lead to anything.

Before I got together with my dh I had very strong feelings for a friend I was at college with. He was lovely, and there was a lot of chemistry between us. But he was engaged, and so there was no way I could even contemplate pursuing anything with him. It was very difficult, and I even maintained the friendship with him, and in time I left college and our paths drifted apart. Had he been single things might have been different, but he wasn?t so they weren?t and it just wasn?t meant to be.

I don?t actually believe that just because you?ve got close to someone it means there?s something missing in your marriage. I think we?re all human, and we all become attracted to other people, I think it?s how we act on that attraction that holds the key iykwim.

I don't think I have ever loved anyone as strongly as this, so what I would suggest is probably no use at all. However, I do find it works on small crushes etc, and just possibly it may help from time to time; don't ever stop yourself from thinking about the person in question if the thought comes up, but always think of them in a situation when they are with their partner.

Firstly well done for not crossing the line. Despite what i have been through with my H (who did cross the line), i have come pretty close in the past. I also dont think it means there is anything missing in your marriage. However your feelings are all about fantasy and what if. Surely we all look back somethimes and think what could have been.

Could you share any of these feelings with your H - if your marrigae is strong it will be ok.

We will often tell each other who we fancy ect. If your H knew maybe he would be flattered to know that you are attractive to someone else too.

Good luck with it and try and enjoy your fantasy - but stay in the real world. Well done again for not taking it any futher the destruction would just not be worth it. It sounds as though your family is fantastic.

I echo the idea of seeing a counsellor - you can go to relate on your own and 'airing' these feelings might really help.

I think you have behaved admirably and maturely. I imagine as time goes on these feelings will lessen.

tbh if you keep meeting, even if it is public and platonic your feelings will carry on. It's like buying a dozen cream cakes and promising only to look and not eat. Would it not be easier to just stop buying them? Likewise, the only way to fix this is to stop seeing him. as innocent as you feel your meetings are, they are creating/prolonging a desire that you don't want. At the same time you're sort of enjoying it and don't want to stop seeing him.

Avoid him.

You are just creating emotional turmoil for each other.

Normally, I would say get some distance from the person, but if you are working together that is difficult unless you are prepared or able to look for a new job.

I agree with Hurtwife that sometimes sharing the feeling with your DH might diffuse the situation if your marriage is strong and your DH is not a very jealous person - but you need to be prepared that he might feel hurt or that he might admit to having an attraction to someone else too - so it is not necessarily the best route to take unless you can handle those outcomes.

Feelings don't just disappear, but it may even help a bit to get out photos of your DH from when you first met and try to remember all the reasons that you fell in love in the first place.

Furthermore, maybe having a break away with DH without the children, an opportunity to just be a couple together and to discuss things apart from you family would be a good idea. Or even discuss with him the fact that you feel that your relationship could benefit from the two of you going out together once a month, to a nice restaurant, the cinema - somewhere fun for both of you. Otherwise it is easy to feel stuck in a rut, even with someone that you love.

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