Need advice....possible trigger

[boringnamechange]

Added the possible trigger because a lot of people been on the other end of this. But I just don't know who to turn to and know I am in the wrong.

I don't know where to start with this. I just need a bit of advice and not so much flaming as I know I have been in the wrong and I'm now trying to make amends in a way.

I have been having an affair with a married man for the last 2.5 years. I am single and have been for the time (after separating)
We used to work together and then he left. Now we only see each other if I travel to see him in his work (he travels about weekly). This can be a few hours drive or long train journey. Often making up excuses for the kids to go to dads or grans so I can be away. Lying about work Patterns to get away.

It started off quite heavy - usual from him maybe about being in a loveless marriage but we are friends (were first) and so I believe that. He has one child who is pre teen and won't leave because of the child and the threats from the wife to never let him see them if he ever left them. This I also believe.

We spoke every opportunity we had in the beginning and would meet when we could and then it started to cool off slightly. I felt left out and thought I was nagging him - he only spoke or met up when I suggested it.
We are best friends and have always spoke of the "one day when we are together".

The thing is I know that's never going to happen. He loves his child too much to do this (rightly so btw I would never ask him to choose)
For a long time I hoped one day we would and call that what you want - stupid naive probably a bit of both. But I could honestly see me spending the rest of my life with him.

I am seeing him tomorrow and I know I need to end it. I know tomorrow needs to be the last time we meet.
I know I need to stop hanging about and waiting for something that's never going to happen.
But I don't know how. And I don't want to lose my friend in the process. He is probably my only proper friend and I'm worried I'll be left with no one.

I know I have done wrong....no one needs to tell me that. But when I was low and needed someone he was there. And it's went on too long.

So....what do I do? Do I cut ties completely? Or stay friends? Which would be possible as we literally wouldn't see each other again so could keep having the odd phone call?

And probably I just need some courage to actually do it and not bottle it - even though I know it needs to be done.

He's not your friend. He's a married man you're having an affair with who is lying to you about the reason he's not leaving his wife. Do not see him again, it will be a mistake. Tell him it's over, block him, and move on with your life. Carrying on with him is preventing you from forming a healthy life.

Also, I'd bet a million dollars you aren't the only woman he's messing around with.

He isn't your friend and there will not be a friendship going forward. Block him and move on with your life, it's going to be hard but it needs to be done sooner rather than later. If this man truly loved and wanted to be with you he would.

You are right. He's a married man but he was my friend first.
And I know I need to end it as it's stopping me from finding someone I can be with.
I feel if I don't do it face to face then I'll never be able to move on.

And you could be right about there being others....but again I don't think that's the case. And again just from us being friends first.

But I could be wrong and I'm probably not in the right mind to be thinking clearly.

Why do you need to meet up again? Just don't go. You suddenly seem to have developed a conscience and realised you're behaving badly (although your overall reason to end it seems to be because he's not as keen on you now and you want to find someone else). How are you going to 'make amends ', and to whom?

You need to play the film through to the end, so to speak.

If you don't do this, what are the consequences?

It seems like you have a few potential futures:

a) You carry on as you are, both of you living a half-life. I don't believe he's having his cake and eating it; he's not committing himself to anyone. You are committing yourself, but in vain.

b) His wife finds out. She's destroyed, the family unit's destroyed. Maximum damage. You live with him (in all likelihood you'd have to support him) and go through the children visiting etc. Do you want that?

c) His wife doesn't find out and becomes increasingly unhappy. He leaves for you. Is he such a prize, though? What would it be like to live with him?

You need to not think of tomorrow so much as next year and ten years' time. I know someone who's been having an affair for decades. It doesn't make you happy.

End it now and this time next year you'll be happy. Nobody can promise instant happiness but you've far more chance of that if you end it than if you continue with it.

He's not your friend. He isn't. I wouldn't hurt my friends and he is hurting you. He's strung you along for 2.5 years knowing he wouldn't leave.

You can believe he's in a loveless marriage if you want to. I'll bet you anything you want that they're still shagging. He's lying to you. That's not what friends do.

Now keep in mind that cheating makes me so so so so angry (I'll also bet his wife isn't the bitch he's made her out to be, poor misunderstand boy ) and yet I will say you deserve better - keep telling yourself that.

Get rid of him, go out and make some actual friends.

Fritz - probably not developed a conscious more so just realising that I would be waiting for ever for something that's not guaranteed to happen. Do I feel bad about it? Yes and no.

Imperial - thanks. Great points and things I have thought about. I thought I was happy but I know I'm not. And it's probably having an effect on my day to day life more now and I need to change that.

Thanks sour - I want so to believe he's a friend but your right - friends don't treat fiends like that by lying. But I have let it happen for so long haven't it?

I must add we have had the the conversation about how this isn't fair on me and he has tried to end it a few times. I always said I didn't mind and I know that makes me sound sad a pathetic.

Fuck I have just made such a mess of my life.

It's only a mess if you keep doing it. Stop it now. Allow yourself to be happy.

Have slept on all your comments and I know I need to end it so today's the day. Reason I am still going to meet him as my tickets been booked so going to go through with it. Suppose I need to just block him after it. Worried I'm not strong enough and will cave.

You can do this

Your not his friend you're him bit on the side. Nothing will ever change why should it as he's having his cake and eating it. Have some respect for yourself and find a single guy who can give you what you want. Cut all ties completely.

Sadly the fact that you're still going for one last meeting when you really don't need to indicates your reluctance and inability to make a clean break. What are you hoping to get out of this 'last' meeting?

Ok, I wont flame you but just to say--just imagine you were his current wife, and how she would feel. Not a nice guy however nice he seems to you.

You are going to have to just cut it dead, no @friends@ no nothing.
I had a friend that did this from the age of 25 till suddenly one day she realised she was 36, had no kids and he was still with his wife and the kids were at leaving home stage and he still had reasons to stay put. If its an all consuming passion then these blokes put themselves first and yes they do often walk out of marriages however close to kids they are. Other than that its a great fondness/love maybe, but not enough to make him give up what he already has.

I had already booked to go and see him. Can't afford to just throw money away and to be honest if I don't do it face to face it could go on and on.

Thanks sourpatchkid.

What do you mean you can't afford to throw the money away - it's spent, doesn't matter whether or not you go. that's a poor excuse.

That money is spent now, regardless of whether you see him or not, it's already 'wasted'. So ignore that completely. Seeing him again is just delaying the inevitable. You need to do the band aid rip, tear it straight off, and as painful as it is, you will heal faster.

By going again, you will allow yourself 'one more night' and just prolong the pain. Don't do it.

It doesn't sound like a relationship. It sounds like he has a fuckbuddy, one that has to do all the running and paying. He doesn't bother to text you, or come to meet you.

What exactly are you getting out of this?

If he wanted to leave his wife he could. Courts would give him access to his child.

It seems like an extremely unfair and unbalanced affair.

Get out and find someone better

"What do you mean you can't afford to throw the money away - it's spent, doesn't matter whether or not you go. that's a poor excuse."

Exactly this ^^

Ok hadn't thought of that in regards to the money...suppose you are all right on that.

He was my friend before any of this happened. I supposed I'm just sad I'm going to lose my friend...in fact that's probably what I am upset about the most. I know it's never going to end up as anything more but he was the one I would tell everything too. The one I would call when anything happened and he did the same to me. Ok one sided with me going to see him all the time but I suppose I chose that?

I'll tell you what I told my friend when she was strung along for years by her 'friend' who told her he loved her but didn't want a relationship with her so they just had sex when he felt like it. She's now missed any opportunity of having a relationship with children of her own whilst he's met a wan he was in love with, is married and they have a toddler now.

I told her that he wasn't her friend, because a friend would make sure that she didn't hold false hope and waste her time on him. A friend has your best interests at heart and he had companionship and sex from her when he wanted it.

Do not meet the cheating scoundrel. Forget him. He's no friend of yours . You are deluded.

Go find real friends and a man with integrity.

So he's your best friend op - but you aren't really his best friend. Who would do what he does to a best friend?

At best you are a fwb and actually - you deserve more. You deserve to be with someone who puts you first instead of fourth.

It just doesn't work either to try and remain friends with someone after - it's like saying 'no I don't take drugs' but then having a routine sneaky one. You are much more likely to get better going cold turkey and finding true friends elsewhere.