I left my abusive partner 6 weeks ago and now I'm missing him

[ihave2naughtydogs]

I was with ex for over 20 years , he treated me and our children badly emotionally , physically and financially . I left 6 weeks ago and have had no contact with him since . I don't know what's wrong with me this week because I'm feeling sad about how it's all ended and I'm even downplaying in my mind how horrible he actually was .
I can't tell anyone how I feel in real life because my friends and family think I'm strong to have got away .
Please tell me these feelings will go away , up till this week I was so happy to be with my children away from him.

You long for what could have been if your partner weren't an abusive monster. Clear out the cobwebs, remind yourself of the realities of this man, and continue to move on. You would be making the biggest mistake of your life to take him back.

There is a void where he used to be. He being in your life was a habit. Breaking a (bad) habit can be hard. Filling your time with new distractions ( not men!) will help you to move forward instead of slip backward.

Good luck and we'll done!

Of course there was something in this relationship to miss, BUT don't forget to remember the rest of it.
Change can be sad, and tiring, as well as freeing and exciting.But this will pass, and things will get better.

Tell us the reasons you left. In what way did he treat you badly?

It is normal to have conflicting feelings after all you were with him for a long time. People like him thrive on vulnerability so don't show him.
Its alright to feel bad & miss his better side, you will be grieving. But remember the reality of the relationship & how he has ground you down & made you unhappy. Remind yourself you deserve better than that, & so do your children.
Move on but remember that you will have times when you feel rubbish, its only feelings, you don't have to act on them.

You were conditioned for a long time to accept his behaviour. You were also conditioned to behave and react in a certain way. It takes time to stop thinking in those terms.

You also maybe mourning for what you thought you had. I say thought, because the picture he painted of what your life would be like with him never came true.

You have a new future, one without abuse, one without him. You were really strong to leave. You now need to stay strong and start looking forward to a new life. One I hope you you start to feel excited about.

Is it all possible you can get some counselling? Helped me a lot after leaving my abusive narc ex xxx

It's ok to miss him, and to still love him. It's normal.

YOu loved him and in many ways he supportedyou.

However.

Regardless of how supportive he was or how much you love him and miss him, he was abusive, and you need to be away from people who abuse you.

He was never supportive .
When I got a job , he took the car keys and I had to borrow money to buy a old banger .
He tried to get me sacked .
Whenever I upset him , he took back all the gifts and jewellery he bought me .
He would hit me .
He had me followed .
He made me take out loans to feed his gambling addiction .
He would barricade me in a room and shout abuse at me for hours .
He wasn't at the birth of any of our children
He would give me and the children the silent treatment for weeks .
There's so much more ..
I don't know what the fuck I'm actually missing about him

What you are missing is being part of a pair. print out the list you made and keep it handy, next time you feel like a loose end read it through, remind yourself there are worse things in life than being on your own.

You're adjusting to having a 'normal' , drama free life op. It'll take time and the way you feel is to be expected.

You don't miss him , you just need time to wind down from those years of abuse and enjoy the peace.

Welcome to the rest of your life

Only an absolute fool would go back to a man like that

Oh my god - just want to send you a hug. Please don't go back to this monster. Continue to make a happier and healthier life for you and your children. No-one should ever live in that toxic shit!

Some weird bit of you feels like a failure because you couldn't change him. . .
Fuck him and start putting yourself first. .
Embrace your freedom.

Just keep reading that wee list of how he was back to yourself when you feel your resolve failing. You won't miss him with that as a reminder.

They will pass; I have been in the same situation as you and it gets much better, much easier and much happier than it ever was before. What you are missing is that somebody else there, not an abusive person there but somebody else - somebody lovely, somebody who genuinely cares about you. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself and you will find that, when you are ready, you will be ready to meet that special person who is as lovely to you as you deserve.

Also OP , you were with your ex for over 20 years , you've been away for six weeks.

Please give yourself break.

Thank heavens you and your DC have escaped that.

So you've hit a flat bit. You've been through a lot. This will pass.
You're not missing someone who treats you like that.
I'm angry at how you were treated. Are you angry?

Thank you all for the replies , I can't talk to anyone in real life , they wouldn't understand why I feel like this about a man who treated us so badly .I was angry but now I'm just
Feeling sad .

You've had a lucky escape. Be glad and proud of yourself.

Staying in such relationships teaches your children, that it's acceptable behaviour. Protect your children and hope that can go on to have healthy relationships, unlike the one they witnessed you in with their father.

What you're feeling is totally normal. Look into local organisations that support victims of DA. Sounds like you need to talk some stuff through, whatever you do keep talking, don't don't don't go back . Best of luck to you

How are you doing today?

Look at enrolling on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as well. This could help you no end.

Dancingledge - I'm feeling better about being on my own today . I know I can't go back and I promised my children that We would never live with him again . He was a nasty angry man so I guess I was mourning what should have been and not what the reality was
I'm reading a book about abusive men 'why does he do that ?' and it's giving me some insight .
Attila - I'm going to do the freedom programme once I get a tablet or secondhand laptop , He confiscated my laptop and iPad during an arguement so we had to leave without them

Completely normal . This is all part of the journey. I don't think you could not miss someone you've had kids with and had a future with. I still miss my abusive ex , 4 years on . Doesn't mean il ever go back to him. That chapter is closed but sometimes I'm sad how it all turned out. Go easy on yourself. Maybe get some talking therapy to let it all out or a diary to write down your feelings, have a cry, close the book .