Keeping the peace, biding my time, struggling with it.

[Sparrowlegs248]

I've told 'D' H that it's over. He doesn't accept it. I've asked /told/demanded that he leave. He won't. He's now in "nice" mode but it won't last. The only reason it's lasting now is because I'm letting things go on a daily basis.

He's controlling and abusive. I'm totally checked out of the relationship but have a lot of guilt about taking the children away etc and sadness over never having the happy family. For them aswell as me.

I need this relationship to end, and I'd be thrilled if he just left but as that's never going to happen, it needs to be me that does it. And at the right time for me. So until then he's carrying on and making plans and I'm waiting for the right time.

But God its hard. I don't want to rock the boat just yet but I've no idea how to cope for much longer.

Two small children. I don't know what I'm hoping for here.

Hi OP: I was in your situation. I started a thread on "keeping up the pretence". i was biding my time waiting for the right moment. I naturally have a long rope, but when I reach the end, i knew I was done. 21 years together, last 3 years I had thoughts about leaving.

One day I just snapped, and a week later I moved out with the kids. Also an emotionally abusive relationship. Last 6 months have been really tough, but I am coping well and despite the shitstorm I am in a much much better place.

One thing I realised, is there is never a right time in terms of circumstances, but there is in your head. Maybe you haven't quite reached there yet, but when you do you will find the strength.

I was on the phone about to a friend last night and I was talking about an issue with ex, and I said I didn't know what to do. She said when you don't know what to do, it means nothing should be done at that time. When you know, you know and you act. Trust yourself. I know that is difficult because no doubt you have learnt not to trust your own judgement and have been keeping the peace.

Be strong.

Thank you. Your post has made me cry because clearly you get it. My family don't at all. I need to do this in my time. And I know I'll get there as there are so so many things pushing me back to this decision, even when he's on his best behaviour.

It's hard with the children being so young.

If I had the money to just leave I would.

Ahhh, I do get it. Its very hard to explain to people because sometimes things are ok, right?

But you get that sinking feeling in your chest, you know you are being treated badly, and you know you deserve better. Then you try smooth it over to keep the peace. I lived like that, still am to a certain extent as we have two kids and share access.

How old are the kids?

You have already made the decision you need to leave for yourself. Now you need to try and work through the practicalities. The kids by the way will be ok, mine are 9 and 6, and they have done great and seem much happier when they are with either of us. The tension has gone.

So finances, money, child care, safety. Think about it all. What helped me push through was doing things like photocopying all the documents and having a plan when I was ready to go. I worked through all the stuff in my own head about not having the family unit, the kids all the time etc. And convinced myself it was the right thing to do.

People often say on here about abusive relationships simply LTB. It isn't that easy I know. You probably still love him, you are emotionally entangled, the push and pull behavior will have eroded your sense of self.

But you can do this, and you will manage if you really want to. Keep posting.

i think the best thing for you to do is put a divorce petition in, mean business or this will go on and on forever.
You can put a divorce petition in online without a solicitor, I think it costs £500.
You may also be able to get legal aid if this is an abusive relationship. legal aid covers abuse, you need to find a legal aid solicitor for a free half hour session to discuss this. This will allow you to get an injunction to get your husband out of the house.
You can't do nothing.

By the way I've been through this twice, first marriage physical abuse, 2nd marriage emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is now illegal and also qualifies for legal aid but you need to get in there and get a petition in before he realises you are up to something.
You CAN get him removed from your home.

A lovely lady lawyer told me, you decide in your own time at your pace , if its not unbearable then why put yourself in a poor position and peoples thoughts can change from month to month. She says far too many do things on the spur of the moment when angry or hurt or upset and then have to deal with chaotic fallout.

Good luck OP - the strength will come

Thank you all. I am not going to do anything in secret or get any sort of injunction. We have two small children, 2 and under, and I am going to have to see him and carry on a parenting relationship with him. I cannot imagine how horrendous things would be if I had him removed.

I get a lot of support from his mum with the children and don't want to put her in a difficult situation.

I'm grateful for your input though. I'm seeing a counselor who is helping me realize the extent of the bad stuff.

When I say "I'm not going to......" what I mean is, to start with. If things escalate then I won't hesitate. But atm I will try to keep things amicable. I realize much of it will be beyond my control.