Huge dilemma, need help!

[Karmamother]

My DP is taking his kids down south to see his Mum next week & they're staying for a week. I can't go with him as I'm working which, if I'm honest, I'm very happy about as she smokes like a bloody chimney & I don't want our DD in her house for that length of time.

However, I've just discovered I'm not working at all next week - I've been given annual leave. So my dilemma is this. If I tell my DP that I'm off next week, he'll naturally expect me to go with him. But the devil in me thinks if I tell him I'm working he'll pootle off to his mum's, nonethewiser. And of course, I'd have to bribe the neighbours to keep shtum.

Bugger. I hate going to her house. DP's DS lives there too & she smokes. There are 2 aunts who visit daily & they smoke too. There is a continuous haze of nicotine in the house. What should I do?? I know honesty is the best policy but when I think of the times we've spent just 2 days there, it was awful. I just don't want my DD passively smoking for a week. They do try & help by going into the dining room to smoke but its all open plan so we get it anyway.

What I really need is an upfront honest way to get out of going. Please help!!

Would he be offended if you just said you didn't want to go? Would it cause a row?
I can understand why you wouldn't want to go!!

couldnt you just say you dont want your dd passive smoking?surely he would understand.

Hmmmm-how about admitting to a couple of days annual leave and going with him?
How does he feel about the smoke?

I wouldn't want my dd passively smoking for a week.

how about you go for a couple of days but not the full week and while you are there ask if they mind cutting down a bit on the smoking front - its getting warmer so maybe you have more chance of opening windows, getting outside etc.

Is this your DD grandma too? if so I think she would be okay if you had a quick chat to her - if you have to make something up. My dad is a big smoker and although he is good and never smoked in the house during the day when DS stays the smell is a bit overpowering from evening smoking. I told him DS has mild allergies (DS has been ill so its believable) and would he mind not smoking inside the house for the 2-3 days we are visiting.

Couldn't they smoke outside, for just a few days?

I have to say I'd put my foot down and say they either chuff outside or you're not going, but then, I'm a stubborn old cow!

I have to admit that where my daughters visit - nobody is allowed to smoke inside. My brothers, my dp's brother, my father and any one else all have to go outside at our house and if they are not prepared to do the same at their own house we just wouldn't go - simple as that.

Everyone has always respected this and even in freezing or rainy weather never broken their word ( although I'm sure they all curse me whilst stood in the cold damp air).

The funny thing is, he's very anti-smoking too but realises he can't lay down the law in her house. Also, his kids need to see their Grandma. I would probably cause a bit of a row, too.

I think honesty is always best, but what you could do, if you think he will pressure you into going is.....

Act as tho you are expecting to work as normal next week. On Monday, you can get a phonecall saying they forget to tell you about your annual leave, that way he will have already left & you are off the hook.

OR

Tell him you have a couple of days off & want to spend it 1 on 1 with dd.

The kids need to see their grandmother - granted.

The kids need to passively smoke withe grandma - not granted.

Why not print off some literature about passive smoking and make them read it, then ask if they could smoke outside just for this week whilst you're visiting?

This is a tricky one as its close family thats involved. But you also have your DD to consider. The amount of smoke that DD will be subjected to sounds horrendous!! Under different circumastances you wouldn't subject her to this environment so i don't think you should have to now. Sorry i wouldnt want to subject my dd to it.

I think you should take a stand if a compromise can't be reached. good luck

I would lie and say that your gp has said that he is not happy with dd's lungs and that he thinks she may be suceptible to developing asthma (obviously tell dh this plan) and that they just can't smoke in the house. Say that you understand that this is an imposition so it's best if they just stay til Wednesday when, low and behold, you have gotten some last minute annual leave.

That way they get to visit the rellies without being poisoned with nicotine, you get a couple of days leisure and get to spend the rest of the week with your family!!

I do have macchiavellian tendencies.........

Well, I've just spent ages typing a lengthy reply only to lose it as dd has pulled out the ethernet cable from the laptop & I ended reposting my original post. with DD so she is banished to her cot!! Where was I? Sandcastles, I like your thinking. However, if he finds out on Monday that I'm not working he might expect me to drive down. Its a very long way.

Mumto3girls, I might do that if I have to go. The other problem is, whilst Dp doesn't like it, he readily accepts them smoking around his DCs. I feel like I'm being an obstructive cow but I do not want our DD breathing in smoke. Not even one lungful. I spent the first 17yrs of my life in a smoker's house & I hated it. God knows what damage it's done to me.

I need to have a chat with his mum really. I'm sure thats the best way, but I need to avoid any conflict. I'm crap at conflict resolution. Any pointers on how I should approach her?

Well, there is that information ad on the television at the moment about passive smoking isn't there. About how 85% of smoke from cigarettes is invisible but very dangerous...

I'd tell you've seen that and ask her whther she'd mind not smoking inside during dd's stay.

If she says yes then at least you know that you tried then it's up to you whether dd goes or not (and I know hat I'd do...)

That sounds like a good approach, mumto3girls. Still toying with a bit of deception to avoid going for the full week. I also don't like the thought of being a guest in someone else's house for a whole week. She cooks terrible food & the alternative seems to be the chippy. Last time we went, I was on a diet to shift the last of my baby weight & hardly ate anything whilst I was there as salad doesn't feature heavily in her repertiore. She did a Sunday lunch & I thought "great, I can have some veg". The veg consisted of frozen peas & sweetcorn. I digress.

firstly frozen peas hold more vitamins then fresh. ask anthony worral thompson (although admittedly not when they are nuked to soggy little olive green mush - i dont know how well she cooks but bleurgh for you if thats the case!) i completely understand your distress about the huge amount of smoking and exposure to your daughter but the last comment about the food sounded very snobby. if you had that much of an issue you could take the family out to lunch and eat what you want to which would also say thanks for having you there. As for your dp i think telling him about the problem and then maybe asking him to tactfully approach his mum and sister about going outside. they cant live in a bubble so they must know its harmful to children. If they wont do it then is there any chance of a b and b that is reasonably priced? its just that if i found out that my partner lied to me and stayed at home i would be furious and hurt.

Thanks prettyfly. I have to say there was nothing snobby about the peas & sweetcorn, its just they looked a bit lonely on the plate by themselves. I don't expect people to cater for my dietary whims when Im a guest, by any means. I just assumed that veg for Sunday lunch would've been more than that. I did feel mightily embarrassed that I wasn't eating the rest of it. Anyway, back to the smoking issue, I do feel uncomfortable about lying to my DP & know that it will bite me on the bum. Looks like we'll be having a long conversation tonight....

i have a similar dilema really as in order for me to work mil looks after 7m dd.22 hrs a week which is 6 hrs over 3 days she looks after her and the other 4 on a sat dp looks after her because he isnt working.mil smokes and will either go outside..sometimes.. or smoke in the kitchen or side room.again it is all open plan and she smoked around her kids when they were growing up.i dont think she sees it as a prob. ill give her the fact she makes more of an effort but i still dont like the idea that it is still spreading about the house.but she is doing us a favour and i need to work so i am grateful.i have mentioned to dp to maybe slyly say something but he said what i thought and that was well she is doing us a massive favour,its her house and she is making an effort....

thats a tricky one, hubba. You feel disloyal for complaining. I feel like that too since DP's DM usually buys our DD lots of things when we visit. I don't want to appear ungrateful, I'm just thinking about her health.