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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My 11 yr old DD is driving me round the twist. Aaaarrrgh rant. I could swing for her...

12 replies

HotCrossPenguin · 30/03/2007 09:10

Where to start? She's a nightmare at the moment. So argumentative and everything is a problem. She's lazy, every morning this house is like a battleground. She doesn't seem to care that if she doesn't get her arse into gear she's going to be late for school. Quote: "I know the way there, you go on ahead." (With DS's.) The point she's missing is that she has to be there at a certain time, and more importantly I have a legal obligation to get her there on time. She really causes problems in the house.

She had some emotional/psycological (sp) problems a while ago, with thoughts of self harm and very low moods, tearfulness etc. Our G.P. set up a referral to a therapist whom we went to meet 2 weeks ago. This morning DD was supposed to have the second appointment and completely refused to go. Started crying screaming etc. It seemed to be making the situation worse, and short of carrying her into the clinic, I can't make her go. So I've had to phone them and make my apologies. She does seem to be better in herself as far as these problems go, so perhaps this therapy isn't the way forward.

It's all the other stuff though, the moods, temper, argumentativeness, finding fault with her brothers when really they've done nothing wrong. I feel sorry for them, they're listening to it all the time.

Put her with her friends though and it's a different girl, sunny, cheerful, all sweetness and light.

She is under a lot of pressure at school (SATS ) so that may account for a lot of it.

Sigh... I hope she's normal. Can anyone else relate to this? My Mum reckons it's all hormonal and she'll be better once her periods start. That could be another couple of years though!!

OP posts:
chacha3 · 30/03/2007 09:17

ya hun i agree with your mum! i was like that at her agebut it soon passed! mum and daughter time really helps day out shopping etc i do it with my eight year old who thinks she is 11 half the time! got two other girls who grt most of my attention! and then she acts on that and misbehaves just to get some attention from me! just a suggestion hun!

cremeggafoam · 30/03/2007 09:20

i have a dd the same age. she is definitely moody and i realy think it is hormonal( also waiting for period to start).she is really tired a lot of the time and has started to do that smart talking under her breath when i ask er to do something.she has an aversion to washing in any form, thinks she can survive entirely on chocolate and refuses to wear any of the clothes i have bought recently(it must be black or have skulls on it)
i think all of this is normal really and that it is about growing up and starting to test boundaries.Also peer group opinion has started to be much more interesting and important than anything dh or i say.
having said that it sound to be more than this with your dd.I would go back and talk to your gp on your own.you are right about not forcing her to go to talk to someone. you can't-but perhaps she already has got someone she is confiding in. i would also let the school know(they will have experience with this and need to know that she is feeling the pressured with the SATs)
hope you can get some good advice.
After dd did her 11 + she was a different girl.

SSShakeTheChi · 30/03/2007 09:24

"She had some emotional/psycological (sp) problems a while ago, with thoughts of self harm and very low moods, tearfulness etc"

My dd is only 6 so I have no personal experience of this age-group. I would say though that surely this is not normal and there may well be something more to this than just pre-puberty and hormonal swings. No idea what though.

HotCrossPenguin · 30/03/2007 09:30

Interesting replies, thanks. I can relate to the not wanting to wash scenario! Lost count of the times I have called her a 'skanky bugger' ! We do Mum and Daughter time fairly regularly and she does enjoy that. She does feel pushed out by her Brothers, they're both younger than her and are demanding little boys.

She too has done her 11 plus, last November, but wouldn't say she's a different girl as a result! Worse perhaps! At the moment, we're on the waiting list for a place at the Grammar school, so if a place comes up fairly soon, that might buck her up. Other than that, I do think it's hormonal, but bloody hell it's hard work!

OP posts:
HotCrossPenguin · 30/03/2007 09:33

I have spoken to her therapist this morning and explained that she doesn't want to come, and the therapist said that as she's not self harming, and feels able to cope herself, then at the moment we should go with what she wants, and not try and force the therapy issue. She said we can always get a re-referral at a later date should the need arise, and it's fairly quick now too.

OP posts:
cremeggafoam · 30/03/2007 09:35

agree very hard work
!

i have also noticed that recently what comes out of my mouth sounds increasingly like my mother(aaaaaaaaaaargh)and this horrifies me.
am trying to practice zen like calm and be the queen of chill( when really i want to rant and jump up and down screaming
'Most people washevery day , you know, you filthy brat and a Wii is not a necessity!!!'

Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 09:44

Poor little thing. All those horrible hormones rushing around and all those feelings she has but not the capacity or maturity to deal with them. I feel sorry for her. At the tender age of 11 she won't have a clue how to express how she feels or how to deal with how she is feeling. I think the self harm thing is more out of frustration, feeling theres no where else to go with it.

It sounds as though you are doing everything you can to help her. Plenty of love and understanding and lots of cuddles
I wonder if there are any natural supplements that can help her.

stleger · 30/03/2007 10:29

My dd is now 13 - she had about 12 months of PMT until periods began. Now it is intermittent!

HotCrossPenguin · 30/03/2007 13:37

ifonlyhewould, she's tried Rescue Remedy which I have found quite calming in the past, and is quite happy to take that. You're right about the self harm thoughts being borne out of frustration, she does get quite frustrated, and the therapist explained to her about how feelings of anger that get 'stuck' and not chanelled properly, can make you so frustrated that you almost want to 'hurt' them away.

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 13:53

I was wondering about st johns wort or another supplement ive just come across 5hpt they are both a very mild but natural anti depressent, the 5htp claims to deal with hormonal problems too. I found it on an internet search if you fancy having a look at it.

It must be awful for her. Im 42 and my hormones drive me bonkers (smile) but i have the advantage of age in knowing how to deal with them. Doesn't make them any less of a problem though.

HotCrossPenguin · 30/03/2007 16:15

Will have a look into that.

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 18:17

Hope you find it useful. I found a website dedicated to st johns and 5htp and they use the 5htp for a number of 'problems' (for want of a better word ) in children.
Its used for PMT and menopause too so it must be good for the hormones!

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