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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I Can't get off the fence re Divorce

14 replies

jm42 · 16/08/2017 09:31

My DH and I separated earlier this year after I discovered he had an affair with a woman I know. Said woman then exposed him as having had a previous 2 year affair with another local woman. Both women got together and agreed to expose him for what he is. Both women he got with have bad reputations locally and known to be loose with anything in trousers.

Unfortunately he had been running around with both women in our local town and seen by everyone. No shame
Husband moved out of house , is living next door. Then took some very drastic action as attention seeking behaviour . Last few months he's showing me he's a changed person, has had therapy to deal with childhood issues and telling me he loves me too much to let me go. He's cut down on his drinking, hardly goes out and is doing his all to show me hes a changed person. I don't think he's seeing anyone else right now. He's trying to be the model husband & prove he has changed.
Both women are still on the local scene , one of them especially, and when he does go out, I know that both are still hanging around. That kills me. Husband now saying he won't go out at all.
I cant get the image of him having sex with the first one out of my head. And I cant stop thinking about him sleeping with her on our wedding anniversary and on Xmas eve. He lied at the time but eventually admitted he had been with her, and he didn't remember it was our wedding anniversary. He knew what he was doing but that didn't stop him. It's becoming an obsession that I can't shake. He's telling me he was ill and didn't know what he was doing & was obviously unhappy. I told him I was unhappy about his shitty treatment of me but that didn't make me jump into bed with someone else.
Each time I try to move on he hoovers me up and begs me not to divorce him. He keeps telling me I will get over it in time and pleading with me how much he has changed and doesn't want a divorce. He wants a fresh start, move away from the area and start again.

I feel stuck in Limbo - I love him but I've lost my mental strength and can't seem to take the plunge and divorce him. My whole world has been shaken to the core and I'm still crying 9 months later about what he has done to me. 22 years of marriage down the toilet. How am I going to move on?

OP posts:
IrritatedUser1960 · 16/08/2017 13:31

22 years is a long time.
I don't think this is an issue that you can resolve without help from a professional.
Why don't you both go to counselling and then you will be in a better position to make up your mind what to do.

jeaux90 · 16/08/2017 16:46

Firstly do not let him minimise his behaviour by labelling those 2 women as loose. Like he couldn't help himself, they targeted him etc. It's terribly misogynistic and probably not true.

He failed to keep his promise to you and I'm very sorry he has treated you so badly.

I would also suggest some counselling to work through the issues to see whether you can forgive him or whether you deserve better.

Lunettesloupes · 16/08/2017 16:52

22 years is a long time but better get out now than make it even longer. You can rebuild your life and you'll find making friends and enjoying things is easier when you don't have this kind of man hassles in the way.

HipsterAssassin · 16/08/2017 17:38

With all this going on and the begging and pleading and him living next door - have you really had enough space to assess what you want?

jm42 · 23/08/2017 22:19

No I had no space. He came home tonight drunk out of his mind professing his undying love for me after being out drinking in london all day with work colleagues. I told him I'm no longer angry & he can do what he likes from now on. He's a 50 year old man living a single life. I trod on the dogs tail and he then kicked the dog, who just had an operation & he's stormed off. A*hole. Strangely I'm not angry about the drinking, it's groundhog day. I'm very angry about the abuse of my dog. Time to move on I think....

OP posts:
rosabug · 24/08/2017 15:40

Op - your last post, he sounds dreadful. I think he's the nasty slapper, not the women - what do you mean "they have a reputation" - what year are we in - 1955?! Actually I suspect it's a lot lot worse than what you have found out. I don't say this lightly - but you may have possibly gradually become the proverbial doormat. After 20 years if you take him back, however hard he 'tries' he will have got you back in the cosy spot and he will start again, but only with more stealth. However it's never too late to change this and your life.

jm42 · 24/08/2017 18:10

Thanks Rosabug. You are so right . My mind is starting to clear and I'm seeing him for what he is. I've cut contact and speaking to my solicitor in the morning. He is the nasty slapper, and I think there is lots more than I found out, but I know enough already. Thanks for your support , all of you, it's really helping me to clear my mind and start focussing on me and a new life without him.

OP posts:
Mysteriouscurle · 24/08/2017 21:44

If he's had affairs he needs to be the one doing everything he can to show you he's changed. Words are fairly easily tripped off the tongue. If he seriously loves you and wants you back why dont you ask him for some space. Tell him its what you need before you would even consider taking him back and that its no guarantee you will. Without him being in your face all the time you might feel clearer about things. If he really loves you as much as he says he'll do what it takes to make you happy. But sadly I suspect its all about him

RamblinRosie · 24/08/2017 22:10

A 50 year old man who kicks a sick dog... I think that tells you all you need to know.

He's not just a selfish, cheating loser, he's a cruel, viscous, selfish, cheating loser.

Do you really love him, or do you love the man you thought he was? He's a cheat, he's only whining because he's been found out, he's already cheated twice (that you know of). Now he's shown his violent side, kicking the dog was a threat - next time it could be you!

Bin him or the rest of your life will only get worse.

SandyY2K · 24/08/2017 22:52

He had at least 2 affairs that you know of. I reckon you should go full steam ahead with the divorce.

People love to blame childhood issues for their bad behaviour. I don't think anyone had a perfect childhood and I recognise that our upbringing affects us, but he knew exactly what he was doing.

Onwards and upwards.

Mysteriouscurle · 24/08/2017 22:56

What? He kicked the dog? Ignore my previous post. Bin him

PovertyPain · 24/08/2017 22:59

He says you'll get over it, in time! Fuck that! That comment alone would help me make up my mind. Arrogant prick.

Mrskeats · 24/08/2017 23:04

How can you be with someone who is cruel to an animal on top of all the other rubbish. Bin him now.

MrsTrebus · 24/08/2017 23:04

Have my first LTB in 6 years

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