Do I need to pull my head in?

[Huldas]

Not sure how to pay this succinctly. Dh and I have a good relationship but he has this thing about me coming to family events. He is determined I will be at events and really sulks and acts hurt if i don't. He wouldn't ease up even when I had newborns and was suffering pnd and ptsd, making travel to his family, who live hours from us, awful. Wouldn't entertain day trips either, always had to be overnight. Awful. Anyway, I've had enough and now if it doesn't suit me, I won't go.
One of dhs grandparents, that he is not that fond of, is dying. He wants me to come with him and the DC's to say goodbye. It is a days travel there and back and requires a day off work which I can't afford in terms of workload and responsibilities. He is making incredibly heavy weather emotionally of me being reluctant to go. Aibu or am I being manipulated?

You are being manipulated.

Support your DH by all means because you want to, not through some misplaced obligation to his family.

He totally had my support to go, I just don't know if I can get the tone off work.
He won't look at me or talk to me because of this! Normally I would cave in to make the bad vibes stop but really feel he is overreacting, maybe in a bid to get me to come round. Jesus it is not a pretty sight.

Are the children fond of the dgp? If so, you may need to go to help your dh with the kids, especially if dh is going to be upset and comforting other family members. I think visiting a dying person is not the best time to put your foot down and insist on not going - choose another time. If you visit while he is alive, you may be able to duck out of the funeral by staying at home with the kids while your husband attends, and that could be the start of a new trend, that you choose and decide which (if any) family events you attend.

No the dgps have only met her once. We will be the only family there I think, the others have to go back to work, they have been with her for 2 weeks.

Honestly, OP, if it were a just a birthday or some such celebration, I'd be saying, no need, he can go alone. However, a loved family member is dying. He is asking for your support at a difficult time. This is one of the moments in life we should be able to depend on our partners.

If it were me, I'd go.

But she isn't a loved family member! He doesn't like her. He is going from a sense of duty. Otherwise, of course, if it was someone he lived and he wasn't coping I would go.
I dropped everything while his mum was sick and when she passed, and again when he had terrible treatment at work. I can't say I have had the same support from him when I have hit crisis (parent passing on, pnd).

Am totally happy to take it on board if I am being a dick over this, issue has become so heated over the years that I react whenever I think he is trying to manipulate me for not doing what he wants.

Sorry, I misread your OP as someone he was 'fond of' rather than 'not fond of'. Oh, I don't know OP. Only you can decide. I think your issue here is his reaction rather than his request, which you have refused.

It's totally his reaction, and whether it is a calcuted attempt to bend me to his will or not.

He doesn't like his GP, you & the kids barely know her.

Say you cannot get the time off work, but if he wants to go with the children to say his goodbyes, then thats fine.

But I think you need to have a long think about where all this sulking and emotional blackmail is leading. Something is making you feel manipulated & controlled. Are there any other examples? Is it time to really put your foot down & deal with this?

Stick to your guns. He's being manipulative.

He sounds horribly controlling. If you don't feel that it's important or practical for you to go, then don't go. Ignore his sulking.

Fond of or not, he's made the decision that it's important to him to say goodbye to a grandparent. There are family members I'm not fond of but if they passed away, I'd be devastated and would be upset I'd not said goodbye.

Regardless of his fondness for her, there's his whole life of history here. His grandparent his dying. His parent's parent. His parent will be devastated. He'll need to support them.

I think YABU here and denying him support at a really sensitive time.

I also think it's unreasonable not to go to family events as a married couple, because there's inevitably the questions of where's DW and the embrassment that comes along with "she couldn't be arsed".

(PND period not included in last statement.)

DH can be like this as he finds his family hard to spend time with. I go when I'm willing but other times make him see them alone. He tends to leave me to do all the talking if I'm there which infuriates me. I would start putting your foot down and resisting manipulation. He decides who he wants to see and when, he doesn't get to decide for you as well.

Thanks all. In a different time zone so nice to wake up to replies. And thanks tokenginger for excluding my pnd period, made me laugh. You raise a good point about questions if i don't come. Dh and I come from very different families, it would not be an issue at all in mine. We have very different frames for normal.

To the other posters, yes something is making me feel manipulated and it needs to be addressed. And this latest incident is just one of many. But it only occurs over stuff to do with his family. That is the real issue here. Thanks for answering the aibu part, now I need to think about the manipulation part.

Is he controlling in other ways?

No I don't think so, he is pretty easy going about most stuff. It is confined to family issues.