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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

XH checking for me online???

13 replies

RedComet · 15/08/2017 23:15

Been separated for just over 2 years. XDH meantime moved on and has new relationship which I think is brilliant. That way he leaves us alone.. The relationship was dead in the water long before we split. XDH was a controlling and mentally abusive twat. We still have a few mutual friends although they are distant friends, none of them are close to me. Earlier today I bumped in to one of them I had not seen in ages. This so called friend told me that when he was out with XDH and his partner recently they had told him they were wondering if I was seeing someone and had searched for me on dating sites???

I know it is not a big deal maybe but I hate the fact that I'm being checked up on. It's none of their bloody business if I have a dating profile or not?? And what would he be doing on a dating site. He has a new partner.

Not even sure why I'm writing this but I'm livid... WWYD?

Thanks

OP posts:

Justdontknow4321 · 15/08/2017 23:25

Nothing. Pretend he doesn't exist

Straycatblue · 16/08/2017 00:05

Being "livid" allows him space back into your head and is probably a learned behaviour left over from your relationship = he winds you up and you dance like a clockwork monkey.

Take a deep breath, stand back and see how pathetic he is and laugh it off.

To be honest, I suspect lots of exes these days do occasional online checking of their exes.
You can't however control your ex and what he does. You can make your social media as private as you can but unfortunately there is probably little you can do about dating apps, although paid sites will prob be less appealing for him to access for fun.

Allow it to confirm what you already know about him and move on with your life without a backward glance. Disinterest in his activities is where you want to be at.

I would probably also distance myself from the so called friend who told you this, they are shit stirring and probably reporting back to your ex how you reacted. If they try tell you anything again, stop them and tell them firmly that you arent interested and change the subject.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2017 00:07

There's nothing to do. Ignore and live your life.

LellyMcKelly · 16/08/2017 00:21

If they have nothing better to do with their lives than hunt out exes on dating sites then let them get on with it. The time they're spending bitching about you is half an hour less they spend bitching about someone else. If they're in a new, loved up, relationship and that is what they choose to spend their time doing instead of having fabulous nights out or shagging to within an inch of their lives then just let them. Do not let them define you. Go on all the dating sites. Go on all the dates. Have all the fun.

Original poster

RedComet · 16/08/2017 06:17

I think the reason why it wound me up so much is because the last few years of the relationship he became very controlling. He wanted to know every minute of the day where I was, who I was with. Even accused me of having affairs (never had one). His behaviour carried on even after he left. I was really happy when he announced the new GF. Thought he would finally get of my back. Searching for me on dating sites is just strange. Whatever else is he checking up on?

OP posts:

hesterton · 16/08/2017 06:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Timefortea99 · 16/08/2017 06:26

He was controlling, he isn't now. You have moved on. Leave him firmly in the past. He is nothing to you, if he wants to waste time checking on you, let him.

Original poster

RedComet · 16/08/2017 06:45

Thanks for the advice. I'm just going to try and forget I know about this. Will probably pop out around the time he collects the kids to go for dinner with his DM this Saturday. Last thing I want is for him to find out that he hit a nerve.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 16/08/2017 07:38

No do the new Hairstyle make up and look FAB.
Once you start avoiding him, you have to keep doing it.
Best revenge on a ex is to leave him thinking your life is better than his..

Original poster

RedComet · 16/08/2017 20:25

Some good points and advice thank you. I'll do the hair and ready to go out look. Happy smiley. Thanks again.

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 16/08/2017 20:39

Set up a profile in your name with a hideous picture of him and 'fuck off loser' in the about me box...

KeyChange · 16/08/2017 23:12

That would piss me off massively. Pair of nosey dicks.

Just let them continue worrying that your life is better than theirs. It probably is if that is how they spend their free time.

Angelf1sh · 17/08/2017 05:29

Loads of people occasionally google their ex (I know I have), but they don't usually tell them about it afterwards, so I'd say the friend was stirring for some reason. I'd just forget about it if I were you and move on in the knowledge you're free of him. I would try to avoid that friend in the future wherever possible though just in case.

Flip