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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me understand a normal relationship?!!

27 replies

Blinkingecksake · 15/08/2017 19:58

I need a bit of gentle help please to understand what a normal relationship should look like and if some of my thoughts on it are unreasonable? Real life friends tend to tell you what they think you want to hear. I'm divorced after finding the strength to leave an emotionally abusive and very dysfunctional marriage tho actually I do now realise we just weren't right for each other. We got together very young and divorced in our 40s.

I am now lucky enough to have a lovely boyfriend who I think accepts me for who I am and is good to my children. He himself is a great and doting dad to his own and we get on well. I have always been very independent and enjoy my own company. Partly through having to when we were growing up, then partly as escapism from an unhappy marriage. We've hit a stumbling block. After a few days together for a lovely holiday he started to just irritate me a bit. I said I needed to get home for a few hours before the kids got back just to have a bit of time for myself. He thinks it's a problem that on an enjoyable holiday he irritated me a bit. I don't really see it as a problem, it's just how I am, anybody would get on my nerves after lots of time together, he feels if he was right for me I wouldn't feel that way.

He thinks I expect too much from a relationship, too many tick boxes. I suspect sadly he may be right. I was unhappy for so long I think I've created this imaginary perfect partner - who I know doesn't exist.

I'm not very confident and always doubt my own opinion but am working on it. Sometimes I think he's perfect for me and sometimes I have thoughts about why it would never work (logistics being one). If you occasionally have doubts or want to have a little time on your own, away from both partner and children, does it mean you're in the wrong relationship? I don't know what is normal, what to expect. I feel I could easily drive him away as it's safer to be on my own. Blimey I don't even know what I'm asking here!! Some sort of perspective maybe?! Thanks if you've got this far!

OP posts:

CherriesInTheSnow · 15/08/2017 20:03

Me and my partner are soul mates for sure, we share values and respect each other greatly, there is also a lot of intimacy and passion there and we just love each others company.

That doesn't mean we don't greatly value our alone time! Especially when there are children involved. I can see why the holiday might make him a bit sensitive if he wasn't on that wave length at the time but no, in generAl there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a gorgeous quiet evening by yourself with a cool glass of white wine. And there's nothing wrong or disfunctional about you feeling this way at all

CherriesInTheSnow · 15/08/2017 20:05

Sorry I missed the bit about him saying you have "too many tick boxes". What does he mean by this?

Original poster

Blinkingecksake · 15/08/2017 20:11

He thinks I have an ideal image of a partner which he'll struggle to live up to and that on a lovely holiday I shouldn't find him irritating. It was only a little and only on the last day to be fair....

I appreciate your reply, that's how I feel about alone time. It's just hard sometimes because time without our children is rare so I feel torn sometimes because as much as I want to be with him - part of me wants to be on my own. Surely if I loved him like he loves me I'd just want to be with him? Thanks, not sure how much sense I'm making.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 15/08/2017 20:12

Be careful because when you've been in abusive/controlling relationships in the past you can inadvertently be attracted to people like that still, just with less obvious forms of abuse.

I'd say it's very normal to want and need some time separate from a relationship and absolutely definitely in the early days.

CherriesInTheSnow · 15/08/2017 20:17

I would be surprised if he can't understand or comprehend the idea of wanting some alone child free down time, or of being tired and irritated at someone at the end of a holiday - me and DH have days when we are gripy (I'm six months pregnant so this is mainly me TBH ;) ) but we know that it's not about the other person, and to acknowledge that is to respect their autonomy and value as an individual.

I would discuss his insecurities because everyone can feel like that I think, but I would be very, very wary of anyone who tries to convince you that standards are too high, particularly if it relates to any quality that does not respect you as an individual. Please do think carefully about that. Is he saying your standards are too high if you think you deserve alone time in a loving relationship? Because that is a bit of a red flag .

Do come and use MN as a sounding board as you are now, if you ever worry that your partner is not behaving like a decent and non abusive person

HipsterAssassin · 15/08/2017 21:06

You sound like a lovely, normal person, OP, who is still trying to find her feet after an abusive relationship. Well done done for questioning this. Confidence in relationships can ebb and flow and that is ok.

How long have you and he been together? Just trying to figure out how well you know each other.

IME life can feel fragmented after divorce with chunks of time devoted to work, kids, relationship. Rinse and repeat. Sometimes you just need down time. Sofa. Telly. Your own thoughts.....

Be wary of anyone saying 'your standards are too high' it could be a red flag.

Try and listen more to how you feel about him as you get to know him. That's what counts.

HipsterAssassin · 15/08/2017 21:09

Praps you are just an introvert. Introverts needs down time.

The end.

Barbaro · 15/08/2017 22:05

What HipsterAssassin said. I get like that too with my boyfriend, after a chaotic day involving loads of people or stress. He finds it easy to just chill out and nothing bothers him, but that kind of thing drives me mad eventually. I'm happy relaxing with him, but like watching a film so its silence and we can just cuddle and relax. But yeah he'll irritate me too at those points, especially when he tells me to just chill out. I cant!

Original poster

Blinkingecksake · 16/08/2017 11:50

Thanks for such helpful thoughtful replies, really appreciated. We've been together over a year, see each other on average twice a week, one of these child free. He is upset because he feels he might not be right for me because he irritated me a little towards the end of our break. He sees that as a problem, I see it as quite normal?! The alone time thing is hard as we get one opportunity a week child free and I would pretty much always choose to spend it with him. Just felt claustrophobic after four days together. Now he says it casts our future in doubt as long term we'd talking about living together. Again tho I worry how the logistics of that with our children would ever work out. Blimey relationships can be hard!! Should they be?! Thanks again x

OP posts:

HipsterAssassin · 16/08/2017 13:45

Of course you should worry about living together with kids. There will doubtless be myriad issues to sort out even with the best relationship. Best to go in with eyes open.

I would be wary that its he who has the standards which are too high.

And if this is a bug problem to him, how the hell will you tackle blending families?

yetmorecrap · 16/08/2017 14:11

some people just dont enjoy time on their own, they constantly need to have stimulation of other people. Either you are that kind of person or you arent, but either he accepts that you 'are' that kind of person and goes along with that or you accept that he may not be right for you.

Lunettesloupes · 16/08/2017 14:46

I feel like I could have written your post. Just back from hols too and BF is staying in my house. It was all fine when we were on hols but now him being about is getting on my nerves...need some alone time. I find that men seem to take up a lot of space one way or another and it's difficult to have alone time with them about.

Back to you though...if your man is reasonable presumably he will be able to understand that it's normal to want some time to yourself and that the bliss of 24/7 togetherness can't go on forever.

Original poster

Blinkingecksake · 16/08/2017 15:20

Thanks again. Maybe I'm a weird mix I think, I'm very sociable and I really enjoy others company but I definitely need alone time too. Have you told your man Lunette how you feel? For my boyfriend the problem is that he got on my nerves towards the end, he feels on a relaxed holiday that if he was truly right for me that wouldn't happen. I think you could stick the worlds most perfect person in front of me and I'd still want some time alone!

And I agree, mixing kids will always bring problems to a certain degree. I fought hard to get a peaceful home for my boys, maybe I can't imagine risking that. Oh I don't know! I just want to try and do happiness one day at a time really, probably all I can offer right now.

OP posts:

Lunettesloupes · 16/08/2017 15:28

I don't think that's weird at all Blink - that's normal isn't it? My home means a lot to me too - I agree after a difficult divorce then you do feel like you've fought for it. You've got it right there...you would want a break from even the world's most perfect person - so would I - and that's ok isn't it? What is your BF's problem with that?

I have spoken to my man about it...he's a person who likes company all the time and if I'm not around then he will go out and find friends etc...I like to just be alone, sometimes for days on end...it's great. I don't feel like that about kids - do you? I am quite happy for them to be about whenever but then they just get on with their things mostly.

HipsterAssassin · 16/08/2017 15:57

There is such a thing as a sociable introvert.

Nothing weird about that. Plenty of people are sociable introverts.

That said I've been with my BF 18 months and he doesn't annoy me, yet.

But then we haven't mixed dc (although he spends time with mine, I spend time with his, our mini breaks hve been child free and we've just spent our work free time together 12 days on the trot due to our dc being with their other parent).

That'll be where it gets all complicated!

Original poster

Blinkingecksake · 16/08/2017 20:05

Hipster its nice you haven't rushed your children meeting each other - actually no need to rush it is there if it works as it is. Ours are different ages and either get on or are indifferent so I'm happy with that.

That's me then - a sociable introvert! I like it. Thanks!

Lunette that's good you've had a healthy chat to your boyfriend and you understand and work around each other. The problem mine has with it is because he irritated me and thinks he shouldn't. Sounds a bit too much like perfection to me - ironic as he says I'm the one that seeks perfection! I do actually need a bit of time away from children too, tho not much, getting harder anyway now they are older and stay up so late!

OP posts:

JasmineBuckles · 16/08/2017 21:10

I'm a massive introvert. I love my partner very much but he is a bit needy and he loves being NEAR.

I carve out my alone time and defend it. If he comes to find me I will say, I'm just having a bit of quiet time with my book/cooking/doing some work.

He doesn't irritate me because he respects my boundaries.

However, if you are talking about incompatabilies that only emerge on holiday, like only eating chips, or moaning about the heat in August, or getting shitty when things go a bit wrong, then yes, being irritated is probably a sign of issues.

BMW6 · 16/08/2017 21:11

He's wrong - no matter how lovely someone is, no matter how much you love them, sometimes they can just get on your wick. It passes (usually.......if it doesn't then the fit isn't right).

He is unrealistic. He will always be disappointed if he thinks a good relationship is 100% happy 100% of the time!!

Odd that he doesn't see this. Maybe cool off from him.

AnnP1963 · 16/08/2017 21:39

Listen... My daughter has just come back off of holiday with her boyfriend. They had the most amazing time. Anyway she came back and was happy when he popped out for a couple of hours to get a haircut. She just sat in her bedroom and enjoyed the peace and quite. They have gone to visit his family now for a couple of days and i personally think its the best thing as they will now have loads of people chatting to them and they can be amongst others.

Ohyesiam · 16/08/2017 21:47

It is quite normal. And if you are an introvert( someone who recharged their batteries by being alone), you will need that space.

PastoralCare · 17/08/2017 03:05

There is no "normal", there are different ways of being compatible.

If you want time to yourself and he doesn't think that you would want that he you truly loved him, then the deal is off.

Imagine how much more irritated you will get and how much more angry he'll get in return.

I'd say leave for the sake of both of you.

BertieBotts · 17/08/2017 09:33

Yes but there's a difference between a healthy relationship and a controlling/abusive one.

Original poster

Blinkingecksake · 17/08/2017 09:42

Thanks again for the replies. Hipster I googled social introvert and found an article that actually made me cry! In a good way- the relief of recognising myself in it and knowing I'm normal!! The bit about sometimes feeling a misfit and sometimes needing to mentally prepare for social occasions - even though I do enjoy them. I feel it's a bit of a turning point for me, I'm not overly confident in expressing my views about my needs but I'm well up for it now. So thank you! 💐

I don't think he's controlling or abusive, but I do think he's insecure due to his past. We'll have a frank chat, which he's very open to and see how we go. Thanks everyone, this has really helped me x

OP posts:

HipsterAssassin · 17/08/2017 09:44

Yes, be careful that this is not the beginnings of control... 'if you loved me..'

HipsterAssassin · 17/08/2017 09:45

Oops X-post.

Glad you are feeling more confident OP!

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