A guys opinion needed pls - if you left your baby

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi,

A few years ago, I fell pregnant with my daughter. My ex walked away ( we were together for 5 months and took us by shock as not planned). He asked me to tell him when the baby was born, which I did. I never stopped him from seeing his daughter but he never wanted to be involved despite always saying how much he wanted to be a father when we were together. He suffered with anxiety which is part of the problem.

I think there is a part of me which wonders how can he live each day without thinking about the child he walked away from. I know this happens a lot, men walking away. It seems that men (and a few women) seem to be able to shut off emotionally and forget about the fact they have a child and that totally baffles me!

I wanted a male perspective on this really. More to understand how he lives day to day with this knowledge and if he actually has any regret?

I can't offer any direct insight on why a man might do such a thing, but when I split up from my kids mum and went from living with the kids to having contact, it was a very unpleasant change for me. Going from being involved in all aspects of their daily lives to having very little real influence in their upbringing certainly took its toll on my mental health.

Perhaps if he was already suffering from anxiety he felt his mental resilience just wasn't enough for him to cope with being a separated father and he felt the child would be better off without him?

Well as a dad of 3 kids, going through a divorce I can't understand how anyone (Man or Woman) can walk away or even not want to spend quality time with their kids. It baffles me. I would have my kids everyday if i could (With the odd weekend off so I can go out).

Sounds like your ex is just running away and burying his head in the sand and doesn't appreciate how great it is having kids. Keep being the sane parent Cherryblossom200 I'm sure your daughter will grow up with a great deal of respect for you for doing so.

Not a man :P but I think they don't see it as their responsibility. They don't want to be involved, why should they?

If there isn't really any way to avoid getting involved they'll end up saddled with the kid but they don't want it and imo don't make good parents imo

A very few regret it much later on but most of them are fine without their children.

Many men's priority is the woman they are with not the resultant kids, I'm convinced. Look at the number of single men who -are- landed with the kids, who then go onto another relationship and the children take very much the back seat. If the woman is a decent one and tries to be a good stepmother, then great. But if she isn't, many men will prioritize their new relationship over the kids.

Perhaps I'm cynical but I also think I'm observant.

(NB that's not all men by a long way. And some women are pretty cold about their children, too)

I'm not a man, but I don't know either. My 'father' left my mum when she was pregnant. Never met him. He's never made any effort to meet me. I'm 40.

I have no idea how you can have a child for 40 years and not be interested but if I met a man who had the same sensibilities as him I'd know all I needed to know about his character.

I've never made any effort to contact him either.

No attachment as such if never met said child. Almost a you don't miss what you have never had situation. It sometimes takes men time to bond with babies but when they do the detachment can be awful if they split with the child's mum. Some will obviously never bond and are wankers but I think there will be some who can mentally detach because they haven't built that connection

He suffered with anxiety...

In what way did his anxiety affect his willingness to be a father? The thought of being a dad frightened the life out of me, my anxiety levels went through the roof! I suffer from anxiety but it never stopped me wanting to be the best dad i could be for my kids.

Maybe the fact you weren't together that long played a part? idk..i think i may be clutching at straws with that one

I'm a guy and it's probably a combination of burying your head in the sand, and/or a series of rationalizations that the child is better off without you. Additionally without the biology of carrying a child being a parent is something of an abstract for a man, when it's a reality for a woman, and I suspect if they never actually meet the child the concept of fatherhood remains abstracted.

Finally women who decide they don't want to or who aren't ready for parenthood have the option to abort or put a child up for adoption. I'm a single father coparenting a son so I made a different choice, so I empathize with how alien it must feel to have your kid in front of you and comprehend how any parent could not want them.

I don't know if that helps any, and I could say more if you want. Let me know if that's the case?

I'm not a man. I suspect there aren't many men on mn who have disappeared from their children's lives. But this happened to a good friend of mine. Their daughter was very much planned. They are older (40s), settled, were in the process of buying a home together. He came to her first midwife appt and then after the midwife left, she said he looked really panicked and seemed not like himself. He basically said he couldn't do it, packed up and left pretty much that day. He met someone else pretty much right away, they got married and his new partner got pregnant the next year. He's never met his daughter. Even convinced his parents to eventually stop any contact with her (initially they had been having visits with her as a baby). Even his new partner is appalled when people say her daughter has a stepsister, even though he pays CSA for his first daughter and doesn't contest that she is biologically his child. I think they have truly just cognitively dissociated from it. I think when something is too overwhelming, the brain can just completely turn off. I suspect that much be what happens. And then it's hard to ever think any differently. I can't imagine though how someone, as in the case of my friend's ex, could then have more children, love them and be involved in their lives, but just never think about that one child they have never even met. It doesn't make sense to me either, but I think when people are determined to live in denial, the brain does weird things.

@SeaEagleFeather

Perhaps I'm cynical but I also think I'm observant.

I think your last paragraph is spot on! I get the feeling that my STBXW prioritises her new relationship over my kids, and get the feeling they take a back seat so she can sink her claws into her latest victim and drain the life out of him spend time with him.

Thanks everyone, it definitely helps me put things more into perspective. I'll reply back properly a little later on once I've put my daughter to bed :) x

My brother walked away from dn (well mostly, he visited once or twice a year, did the Disney dad bit and then pissed off again). Dsil allowed any access he wanted. He was married to dsil and dn was planned, he left when she was 2.

Honestly I think he is just a selfish arse. He never really bonded with dn as she was a screamer, he couldn't cope and wasn't hands on/worked away when possible. He decided he preferred the single life and shagging around.

His loss really as dn is now, thanks to her dm and other family support, a wonderful woman who wants fuck all to do with him now he's interested in a relationship and tells all his friends (who only know his version of history) how hard done by he is.

Make sure you get every penny you are entitled to off him, if you don't need it save it for her.

I'm a man and I don't understand how anyone can do this. I also think your next is a complete loser. If he gets someone pregnant he needs to take responsibility for it. Is he giving you any financial support?

I'm writing from a daughter's perspective...my father left my mum 3 months before I was born . I met him for the 1st time when I was 14 . We do not get on ...hes a selfish twat . What hurts the most is he went onto have 4 sons ...who he raised and was the perfect father to.
I do have a few insurity issues that could be contributed to my lack of healthy male role models but I am lucky enough to have met a wonderful man 20 years ago who is an amazing husband and more importantly an amazing father. My mum is also with a great guy she met when I was 16 ...he is my kids grandad .
Weirdly my real dad got in touch a few years ago after silence for 30 years ...he said ..."give my grand kids a cuddle" ...i told him they weren't his grandkids, they have a grandad who has been there from day 1. When they get older I will let them know about him but I don't think they will be interested.

When I was growing up my mum never bad mouthed my real dad , even though she had every right too ...not once did I hear her say anything negative ...my opinion of him was truly based on his twatish behaviour after we met when I was older.
Your daughter will ask questions.. be honest but try not to be negative about him ...remember she is half him and any negative comments will resonate with her eventually.

Btw me & my mum are best friends and I see her with my kids nearly everyday ...she is very close to my kids, they have a wonderful relationship . Good luck OP

Not a man either sorry! My ex has had very minimal contact with my dd for a long, long time-she gets the odd text now and again but little else.
I don't understand how someone can do that to their own child, but she is a wonderful and beautiful person that I'm so proud of and (if he has any conscience ) he has to live knowing that he has missed on so much by choosing not to have her in his life.
Good luck x

Because being a good parent is hard and some people are too cowardly to try.

I don't know how he can do that, speaking as a Dad.

DrDre is spot on.

I had to leave their Mum, my ex wife however, the pain of missing the day to day contact was an initial massive kick to the Niagra's.

I really don't get how he can want no contact

Some men (and society backs them up) see children as a female responsibility, There are responsible men out there and they are just as bewildered by the actions of these wastes of space as you are.

I'm not a man. My DH brought up his two eldest sons by himself from the ages of 2 and 8, because his exW left him for a man who didn't want children. She abandoned them and only saw them once in a blue moon - never had them overnight until DSS2 was 15 (never had DSS1 overnight at all). When I met DH the boys were 12 and 18, and had no recollection of living as a family. They have rebuilt a relationship with their mum now as an adult, but I can't understand what motivated her to leave and why she accepted that her new partner didn't want her boys so she cast them off like an unwanted coat. She is trying hard to be a better mother now, because DSS1 had his child removed by social services and she took the child on and is bringing them up. But it's sad seeing her being so involved with her grandchild, while DSS2 who was only a baby when she left missed out on having a mother.

Thanks for your responses everyone. Really helpful.

I should have seen the signs much earlier on. We are both late 30's, I have a relationship history (despite never been married I've been in long term relationships and owned a house etc) whereas he has only had bad relationships, not particularly long and never moved in with them or bought together. The normal stuff you expect a late 30's person to have done.

He smoked weed for much of his life until he was early 30's (way before I met him) but the affects of the weed seem to have left him with massive anxiety issues. He suffers with panic attacks and needs to seem to follow quite a routine led life where he can keep relaxed as much as possible. He sounds awful I know, but aside from this we got on incredibly well and the anxiety issues only really came to light towards the end of the relationship, by then it was too late as I fell pregnant. He doesn't give me any maintenance. I didn't want it, not that he offered. He just ran despite us being in a fairly serious relationship (I met his family, went on holiday with him).

I have a job and bought myself a house. Me and my toddler daughter have a comfortable life and we are very happy 😊 I'm lucky I have great family and friends surrounding me.

It's interesting hearing things from everyone's perspective. My daughter has some great male role models in her life so hopefully that should help. Maybe one day I'll meet someone, though the whole process scares me to pieces!

x