AIBU to not want my best friend there all the time??

[cooper0514]

I have been married just less than a year but my best friend has split up with her DH.
I empathise and love her dearly but I can not get rid of her.
Recently she came round on a Saturday evening and asked what we were all having for dinner, she then stayed until late into the evening.
She jokes that my husband has married her too and that she wants to come on holiday with us and my DS!
How can I ask her to back off, without hurting her feelings and still being there for her? My DH doesn't seem that bothered, which is worrying!

Does she just turn up unannounced?

Like most things in life, it's about balance. She's being a bit OTT, however she sounds like she really needs you as a friend at the moment. Was she this intense & annoying with her exDH?

To your DH it doesn't matter or bother him. You just need to be some form of assertive.

She probably already knows she's lonely.

Why is it worrying that your husband isn't bothered?

Why are you bothered that your friend stayed a bit too long on one evening??? Your post is very vague or you're being very U

I don't even think this needs a big conversation. "Lovely seeing you", when it's true, and "nows not good I want some time with oh or my family". It might be too raw a time for her to have a big conversation.

I don't think you are being unreasonable a lot of people tend to out stay their welcome.

Sorry I didn't realise I have to give details about every time she has been round to visit!
I am bothered that my husband isn't bothered a we are newly weds and I would hope he would want a holiday with his wife, not this wife and bff.
I am there for her and understand she is lonely, but we need some time as a family.

Ok so this post isn't really about your friend always "being there" it's more about why your husband isn't bothered about your best friend taking a holiday with you? Well OP he sounds like a nice person.

I am sure your dh understands she isn't actually coming on holiday. I too would smile if one of my dhs friends said that, because I would know they aren't.

She sounds like she's having a really tough time and needs some support and company, the kind best provided by an understanding friend. Unfortunately you aren't coming across as such a friend. You say herself she joked about the holiday, so I am unsure as to why this is such a concern, just don't book for her as well?

Your husband is a bloke. We think differently. He thinks you're okay with it. Have you told him you're not?

Blimey, I'm glad I don't have a best friend like you when I'm going thru a tough time

Your, clearly lonely, best friend came round and spent a Saturday evening with you, until late. The horror

HotNatured - That's not fair at all. You don't know the full story. This might have been happening for months??

You say that your DH doesn't seem bothered "which is worrying", have you told him how you feel about it? Might he just think that you're being supportive of your friend when she needs you and he doesn't want to interfere in that.

There isn't enough information to give a reasoned view on your situation OP.

I understand both perspectives here, and it does show that people urging others to leave a bad relationship and get support from friends is misplaced. That's not a dig, OP, it's a pattern I have noticed myself.

Not really sure why people are having a go at OP, I'm sure she's there for her friend but she's right, she needs time with her husband too. I certainly wouldn't be inviting her on holidays either

my DH wouldn't be bothered at all in a situation like this. He would understand that I need to be supportive of her. And that he then needs to be supportive of me in that instance. I also think he would assume you're not taking her on holiday with you? Or even if you did, is that really the worst thing that could happen?

I don't really understand the mentality that because you're newly weds y you need to exist in your own bubble with no one else. Particularly in a modern world where I'm assuming you had been dating, possibly living together, for a fairly decent amount of time before.

I have some sympathy if she constantly interrupts your life, but if she's having a hard time surely you can be accommodating. In a similar situation I might say to best friend, "Saturday night isn't a good evening but we can hang out any other day that works for you."

Yep, no to the holiday!

Can you give us more details of how often she is coming round and whether she invites herself or what?

She's pushing boundaries because she's lonely so you just need to be the re-establish ones you are happy with. So next time:
What are we having for dinner? I'd met with: sorry I hadn't planned for dinner guests so you can't stay unfortunately but how about we meet for lunch next Saturday?

And: so I'm coming on holiday with you guys this year right [hehe]? Is met with: [haha] no, that's our family holiday but how about we have a girls night away later in the year?