How do you know when it's over???

[Sienna88]

I've been with my partner for 7 years, living together for 5. We are not married, have no children (not counting our dog) and we have never really talked about marriage or babies, which I suppose is weird considering how long we've been together.

One of the problems is I don't find him sexually attractive anymore and our sex life has ultimately gone down the drain. I feel like we are best friends with the kissing, hugging, cuddling part minus the actual sex.

I do love him, he is an amazing man and when he makes an effort looks wise I still do think he is good looking. However I feel like the spark was never really there and although we have so many good and happy memories together (I have spent the majority of my 20s with him) I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with him. And this makes me feel indescribably sad.

I'm nearing 30, he is 33 and I can't help but feel I have changed since we have been together, I don't feel the same love towards him as I did at the beginning. I still love him and care for him, but I find myself wondering what it would be like to be with another guy or in another relationship. I have never cheated on him and never will but I cant help feeling this way.

Is this normal? What could I try to bring back a spark between us? Are these all signs our relationship is coming to an end? I am crying writing this last part as I love him so much and all the memories we have together, but something is not right. I don't know if it's me or this relationship. Some advice would be appreciated.

To add - I have suffered from depression for several years, taking anti depressants for a year and a half and am now off them completely (for the past couple of months)

My ex-girlfriend was also in long-term depression when we met, and spent many years on a slow recovery process. Ultimately this did coincide with her developing as a person and yes, in the end the person she became was not in love with the person I was in that 'right' way anymore. It was a very sad breakup but with no anger. We could still hug on the sofa and in bed, still kiss but the real thing wasn't there.

After she broke up with me I could see very quickly that it was the right thing (and look back in gratitude that she has the strength to do it.)

The length of our relationship and our ages were slightly different but in the same ballpark. And we had a cat instead of a dog.

It's horribly sad but I think you're probably denying both of you the chance for true happiness if you refuse to deal with it. That said, relationship counselling may be a good idea, if only so you can be sure that you tried before calling it a day, and to be honest because some of what he hears in the process may help him too.

Thank you for your reply and advice. Your story sounds very similar to mine. I agree with your comment about counselling.. I feel we owe it to our relationship and all the years invested in it to at least try all we can before calling it a day.

I am dreading discussing all of this with him, although I know I have to.

I think who you are in early twenties is very different to 30.Late 20s is a stage where you know yourself and science now knows brains develop into late 20s.

You would be wrong to continue the relationship if you have doubts.Can you make a list of the characteristics you want in your life partner? I suspect you have just outgrown him and not all relationships should survive.

Some things do come to a natural end.
Sadly this is one of them.
You have no real ties to him so break free and enjoy your life.
You are young - it's time!

I appreciate your advice. I think the problem is I wouldn't see it as 'breaking free' he is my rock in many ways. Part of me also wonders if I have met the right man and I am just being too picky. He has many qualities I would look for in a life partner. Life is not a fairytale and I wonder if it my own insecurities that is stopping me from being happy.

This could have been me 15 years ago, something deep down was niggling me that i wasn't with the right person. At the time, both my parents became ill, my father seriously and my mother had a long term although non threatening illness. I didn't have the emotional strength to break off a relationship too so stayed with my boyfriend. We've been together 17 years, married and have 2 kids. I love him but we've always been more best friends than soul mates. That niggling feeling has never gone away and our relationship, for many reasons, has started to breakdown. I'm now thinking of leaving, but with two kids in tow. Trust your gut, you are young and have no dependents. Have courage, all break ups are hard but this will be easier now than waiting.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It really does help.

I think you know the answer to your question. It is sad but things change and so have you. Are you going to spend the rest of your life with him because of guilt.