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Relationships

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Original poster

New relationship. Sex drive dead already.

16 replies

Skeletorre · 15/08/2017 09:47

Disclaimer. I am in a gay relationship.

When I met my SO we slept together in 2nd date. We both had our hang ups but it was pretty amazing.

She had always been very unfulfilled in that department and she said she had opened up sexually and emotionally more than ever with me.

She said that sex had always been a bone of contention with her ex and they would go 8 months without it because she never wanted to do it and her ex had a high sex drive so she felt pressured.

However with me she would jump me constantly and we had an active sex life.

She moved in and now we don't really have sex. I don't want to push it because i know her ex did that and it made it a thousand times worse. But anytime i start to touch her romantically with the intention of it goibg further she says shes tired or she needs a shower. I say "its ok. Do you want to get a shower first?" And she says shes too tired to shower.

I don't want to he a cunt and I love her but I'm scared we are already heading towards the sexless relationship she had with her ex and it seemed so unlikely at first because it was very different.

I'm not sure what I'm even asking. I just love her very much and miss the intimacy we shared. (PS i give her lots of back rubs and massages and stuff to try and get that intimacy started in a relaxed way but if i try to go further she puts a stop to it. As is her right but it does hurt)

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 15/08/2017 09:53

Sounds like switch and bait to me. Behaves one way and then once you've been hooked they revert to reality on the basis that they know you love them so will probably put up with it and then it becomes habit and then it becomes you've been together so long that you're scared to be out on your own....

You have to discuss this. It's natural for sex drives to fluctuate and often drops off after the initial "at it like rabbits stage" and there is often compromise due to sex drives etc. But a sexless relationship can be hugely destructive to your self esteem. Discuss it, find out what's the issue. But be prepared to walk away and don't let it drag on for too long - once you get to a certain point, it will not change.

Original poster

Skeletorre · 15/08/2017 09:57

She does have issues around sex that I am aware of and respectful of. She was honest about this but I think I just thought things started so well that it wouldn't be that way for us. It was a revelation to her too feeling that way about me, she thought she might be Asexual for a while.

OP posts:

Spanneroo · 15/08/2017 10:47

I went through this with my OH after having a baby. I just stopped wanting him to approach me in a sexual way at all. A hug/quick peck was about all I could stomach.

It took an agreement that things wouldn't progress to sex until I explicitly said so for me to feel comfortable enough to progress to more than a hug/quick kiss.

I know after childbirth is a different thing, but it could be she feels like I did. Honestly, I don't know why I felt the way I did - and it was nothing to do with him. I just really hated the idea of being touched most of the time, and progressing to sex felt like committing to being touched for X amount of time. It just felt like a huge weight.

In short, I would talk to her plainly about it, but without pressure (if you can - and I mean genuinely without pressure). Also have a think about yourself. If she doesn't think things will change, and you are unhappy living this way then you're sadly, sexually incompatible.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2017 14:51

You being in a gay relationship has nothing to do with your post. You and your partner are incompatible. End it now before it goes further.

CremeFresh · 15/08/2017 14:59

She did it to her previous partner and now she's doing it to you . Unless she agreed to explore why she's doing this, I'd be inclined to call it a day.

WhooooAmI24601 · 15/08/2017 15:00

How long were you dating before moving in together?

It doesn't make a difference that you're gay, sex can be an incredibly important part of a loving relationship and if you're not compatible now, you're going to end up frustrated after a year, five years, a lifetime.

It's not selfish to decide what you do and don't need in a relationship and seek it out. It's not selfish to admit that you need more sex and affection from a partner. Her needs don't come before yours. They're equal and if you can't be honest and open about your needs and wants, you're not in a relationship, you're in a dictatorship.

SeaCabbage · 15/08/2017 15:01

HOw long have you been together? I think moving in can have a huge effect on decreasing a person's sex drive. However, it sounds like this woman is not really interested in sex generally. Sad but I can't see it getting any better.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2017 15:31

Honestly, op, I think your partner tricked you into moving in together. She made it seem like she had a good sex drive but as soon as she got what she wanted, she reverted right back to her true self. Her not wanting an active sex life for herself is her business, but that is clearly not working for you. You just aren't suited for each other.

Original poster

Skeletorre · 15/08/2017 17:17

It matters that I'm gay because previously I have posted about my relationships and people have assumed I am a MAN because i'm talking about my girlfriend!!

So on those occasions I got reprimanded for 'drip feeding' and being unclear!!

So I pointed out I was in a gay relationship so people didn't assume I was a bloke!

OP posts:

Original poster

Skeletorre · 15/08/2017 17:19

I love her very much and I wouldn't end it over this. I just wanted sone advice in how to approach the situation and what to say to her.

OP posts:

SheldonsSpot · 15/08/2017 17:26

She clearly has issues, she knows this herself but she doesn't want to do anything about it.

Happened with the ex, happening with you.

I'd say this is just how it is, it's how she is, and you have to accept it or leave. You can't and won't change her.

SparklingRaspberry · 15/08/2017 17:59

I don't think her ex was the bad wolf she's painting her to be.

She's probably just like you and was fed up of being in a sexless relationship after it being so good at the begining!

She doesn't seem willing to get help.
That would be the deal breaker for me

I get you love her. I understand you're being patient. But if she loved you and wanted the relationship to work she'd get help.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/08/2017 18:05

How long were you together before living together? Did she move in with you?

I had a sex less marriage and after years of it and actually being ill over it, I left. I've been with dh2 for 9 years now and we're still horny as hell. We're knocking on a bit too.

Please be very honest with yourself. Don't be manipulated.

Loloseagreen · 15/08/2017 18:14

I'm in a same sex relationship with my girlfriend (I've had mostly same sex relationships bit a couple of heterosexual relationships too) and my experience of gay relationshipso is that sex can become less frequent but this is not always the case. I've been with my girlfriend around 18 months and sex is better now than it has ever been because we know and trust each other. I think women are far more emotionally involved so for us the only time we don't have sex is when there is other stuff going on. Sex is really important to us as a couple as a way of connecting emotionally. If sex isn't happening there is often something else at play.

arsenaltilidie · 15/08/2017 22:24

Do what's right for you and leave this woman. Stop wasting your time.

JetBoyJetGirl · 16/08/2017 09:01

I just wanted sone advice in how to approach the situation and what to say to her.

To achieve what though?

She just doesn't have a very high sex drive.

It might be that she hopes it were different. It might be that she makes a huge effort in the early days but can't sustain it longer term. It might be that she misled you intentionally.

Does it matter?

If it does (and after having a 14 yr long sexless marriage myself, I wouldn't do it again for any length of time), then you need to end it; if it doesn't, what do you need to speak about it for?

In terms of how you broach it, I think you just need to confront it head on, if that is what you choose to do. It's not going to come as a surprise to her; she knows she's doing it.

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