Controlling stepfather

[RingInTheNew]

I'm really worried about my mum and the power that her husband has over her. She panders to him constantly, but he doesn't do the same for her. They live in Spain (moved there five years ago, mostly his idea) and he hates her coming to see me and my two brothers in the UK. He is so against England now, hates 'the brits' as he calls them, hates the traffic, loves living in rural Spain with my mother where he can have her all to himself. He makes her feel worried every time she comes across to see her (though he could come with her if he was so worried, but doesn't) and goes on to her about how careful she has to be on transport etc (we live in London). I feel that he's trying to make her so worried that she won't come over. She came on holiday with us last year and was so put out that he said he wouldn't drive her to the airport so that she could come (though he won't fly - he's scared of it - so she can't go to half the places she wants to unless she does it alone). Is he emotionally abusing her? What do I do or do I just leave it and let them get on with it? My brothers and I have told her he's being ridiculous and she agrees but on the other hand tries to keep the peace with him.

Unless she decides to stand up to her husband, there is nothing you can do. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's the truth.

Yes, I think you're right. It's very hard as we don't see them both that often but he is very needy and I wonder what else he says to her when we're not around. I hate to think of him eroding my mother's confidence this way. But then she has chosen the situation.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make your mother see otherwise; she has been thoroughly conditioned by him to accept his ways of thinking over the years and does not see what he does to her as abusive behaviour. She gets what she wants out of this relationship.

(It may be that she saw a similar dynamic in her parents relationship when she was growing up so has learnt from that too).