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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! I've stopped going out with him because of his severe anxiety but now feel dreadful about it

27 replies

ZooplaDupla · 14/08/2017 22:14

Quick facts - dp and I have been seeing each other for only 3 months. I'm late 40s, he's early 50s. A really lovely man, runs his own business. I have dcs, he has no kids.

A few red flags from the start - he has had only one serious relationship. He has never really been single. He has relationships with women and some are long term but he doesn't consider them serious. Would also say it's hard to define a type he goes for.

He told me he had an anxiety problem early on that impacted his sleep so he takes piriton every night. He also has short courses of sleeping tablets which he buys online.

But then last week he started getting very jumpy. My dcs were away with their dad for a week and then came back to me. That evening I didn't call him and he sent a message asking if I was calling. I said no because I'm spending this evening with the kids. I asked if everything was ok and he said no his anxiety is spiralling so could I call. I call and of course it all seems related to me not calling and he's wondering why

OP posts:
Original poster
ZooplaDupla · 14/08/2017 22:17

Oops sorry posted too soon. He's wondering why I didn't call. This is repeated by a few more incidents (like why didn't you tell me you were leaving work). And it just seems to be getting worse and worse. Then I spent the weekend with him and woke up and he had packed my bags by the door and asked me to leave as he felt I was rejecting him.

I left and a few hours later he called me in floods of tears saying he was having a dreadful spell of anxiety and he was so so sorry.

I said look forget about me, concentrate on yourself and recover. He has called me and messaged me a few times since then and I can see the anxiety is returning as he gets jumpy about what I am doing and whether I will 'reject' him so tonight I said I don't think I can do this any more. You need a proper break, please go and see your therapist and try and get some help.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZooplaDupla · 14/08/2017 22:19

He has issues about be in rejected but then behaves in a way that it is almost impossible for me not to reject him. But I feel terribly guilty. I have had mental health problems in the past and he is too ashamed to tell people he is suffering which probably makes it worse as he doesn't talk about it. He does go to therapy so I am hoping this will help him but I feel terribly guilty tonight

OP posts:
wotabastard · 14/08/2017 22:23

Oh that's horrible sorry for you both, but yeah not much else you can do. Hope he gets the help he needs.

Flowers < for you

gamerchick · 14/08/2017 22:24

No I would have done the same. You can't handhold all the time to that level, it's not sustainable.

LadyWithLapdog · 14/08/2017 22:25

I would probably keep away until he sorts things out. You've known him for too little to be able to help in a meaningful way IMO and he's an adult who should take more responsibility for his own treatment. Maybe this sounds harsh but I'd put myself and my own MH first.

thestamp · 14/08/2017 22:25

Don't feel bad. You've done the right thing. He's not ready for a relationship he will drive himself mad with stress x

revolution909 · 14/08/2017 22:27

Married to someone with clinical anxiety (although he denies it). You have to be super string to be able to help them. It's tiring and frankly not for everyone. So I would just stay away...

Original poster
ZooplaDupla · 14/08/2017 22:27

Thanks that makes me feel better..sometimes you need an outside perspective on matters!

Yes I don't think the handholding would have stopped and it's ever so early on

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 14/08/2017 22:29

Give it a week and the guilt will have gone.

Original poster
ZooplaDupla · 14/08/2017 22:29

That's what worries me thestamp. He said how this time he wanted to get serious - he's in his 50s now and wants to settle down etc but he is just not ready for any sort of relationship at all I don't think..i was actually worried if I didn't walk away he would have a mental breakdown with the stress of where I was, who I was speaking to and what I was up to!

OP posts:
user1488575338 · 14/08/2017 22:29

You've only been seeing him 3 months, you're still in the dating phase!! He is not your responsibility, he's a grown man. I know it sounds harsh but stick to your decision, nothing good could come of this, it sounds hard work and not fun in the slightest. Also buying sleeping tablets off the internet is absolutely insane - he could be taking anything.

He needs to see a doctor.

user1488575338 · 14/08/2017 22:31

Anxiety about who you speak to? Sounds more controlling to me.

thenightsky · 14/08/2017 22:41

Stressing about who you are with and who you are speaking to?

That sounds controlling.

AlternativeTentacle · 14/08/2017 22:44

3 months in, he is not your partner. He is a boyfriend.

Fairylea · 14/08/2017 22:46

I don't see anxiety, I see a controlling man who is using anxiety as a reason for you to feel sorry for him.

(Says me who has a dh with severe anxiety and clinical depression on long term anti depressants).

I would run.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 14/08/2017 22:47

He needs to see a doctor and stop just buying drugs online and taking piriton. He needs to be properly assessed.

You have done nothing wrong. Let him get the help he needs. He is clearly not in a good place for a relationship as it was just making his anxiety worse and yoy shouldn't have to deal with that.
It's not good for you or him

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 14/08/2017 22:48

And yes. Whatever the reason behind him going on about who you are with or you are speaking to, it doesn't matter. Massive red flag

LineysRun · 14/08/2017 22:49

It's been three months, he's buying online meds, he's not making you happy and you have children to think of.

Just walk away. He's NOT your responsibility. You've given him good advice, to get help and focus on his recovery. And it is his recovery. He needs to own that.

CKBluebell · 14/08/2017 22:53

The more you say about him, the more controlling he sounds.
Does he display any anxiety over work, colleagues, his close family and friends or just his relationship with you?

I think you are right to step away. Your life would become unbearable if you were constantly walking on eggshells worrying about if you are stressing him out. It's no way to live.

Slimthistime · 14/08/2017 22:55

I have raging anxiety but never inflicted it on partners
Or anyone for that matter!
Wondering if it's a control thing....

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/08/2017 22:57

OP the point of a romantic relationship is to enhance your life This man is not doing that for you. Move on.

Original poster
ZooplaDupla · 14/08/2017 23:09

Thanks everyone, yes you're all right and I do think he has control issues (not that I would stand for them lol!). I actually think he has numerous issues probably why he has only ever had one serious relationship. Even hours later I am starting to feel like I had a lucky escape! Thank you all.

OP posts:
MISSINDE · 14/08/2017 23:20

Does he take prescribed medication also?

Twinseeks · 15/08/2017 00:02

Lucky escape. He's "self-diagnosising" from the Internet so he can claim his weird controlling stalky behaviour is A Medical Condition? You did the right thing not to get sucked into his drama

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/08/2017 00:11

Ok, he probably does have anxiety and it's for you to decide if that's something you can support long term.

But he's also a drug addict if he's taking piriton every night and buying drugs off the internet, and I suspect that's something you want to run a mile from. The anxiety may have triggered this, ie it may have started from a non-addictive place, but that doesn't mean that's where it is now.

There is also a small % of the population who just should not have piriton - I'm one of them. It turns me into a drowsy monster, with a buzz on at the same time. Not fun to be around.