Would you consider me to be 'unfriendable'

[Picklemuncher]

I am at a stage in life where I have no friends (because moved so many times due to STBXH job), no family outside of DCs, have started separation from my husband of 17 years (therefore single lady), am currently unemployed (due to being the only parent around during the week for many years and having ASD DC who I have been a carer for without any other support).

I feel that most people wouldn't want to know me. I feel like if I got to know other people I wouldn't know how to tell them about my complete lack of family, divorce, ASD DC, lack of other friends....Am I right about that? I feel people would be put off once they knew more about me. Obviously you don't tell people this kind of personal stuff until you have talked many times but it's awkward once they know will they not want to know you? I have experienced people stopping taking interest in talking to me when they find out my DC has ASD. Like they were afraid I would be needy or something? With everything else I feel completely undesirable as a friend, like too much baggage or something.

( On a side note - I am trying to sort my life. I have started volunteering so that I am getting to know a few more people in a superficial way and hopefully have a reference for a some kind of job eventually.)

I currently have no one to spend time with outside of DC and find myself going alone to things that I like to do. I am not afraid of being alone -- I am used to it but I still feel a bit like a social leper of something.

I'm struggling to see what you think the problem is. Friends worth having choose their friends based on attributes such as personality, values, reliability and trustworthiness, attitude, sense of humour. Being single or divorced, unemployed, having a child that needs extra support, none of these things will matter to someone worthy of your friendship.

I think when you move a fair bit, it's more difficult. There is a sociology thing about most friendships being geographically near, so if you move it inteferes with that. I've moved a few times, and although I have friends here, many people I know are friends with people they were at school with, so these early friendships seem to last for life. Volunteering will help make friends. Also, have you tried MN local to see if anyone's interested in meeting for a coffee? You don't sound unworthy btw x

I see what you mean but don't think it's necessary to talk at length with other people about not having other friends, relatives, etc. as you say it might be a bit off-putting (to others, that is). A lot of people don't have a lot of close friends (or so I've read) so you're hardly alone at that -- just the other day I saw someone post here about being the lone caretaker of their elderly mum and not having had any time or energy to build up a lot of friendship with other people, and having sort of the same worries I guess. Have you tried joining a support group for parents to children with ASD? A lot of people usually recommend meetup in threads like these. I could have been your friend had I not lived in another country and for the time being hang out here in spite of that. (I don't know what "STBXH" is, these abbreviations are sometimes frustrating, but I guess it refers to your ex...) Good luck! If you can, you may want to try to join a choir or a beginner's singing class - I've heard of many people making good friends that way.

Find something where you already have a shared interest and something to talk about with others: a book club, a craft circle, a wine tasting group, whatever. Takes a lot of the pressure off. I don't think anyone cares if you're single or unemployed etc if you are a nice and friendly person when they meet you.

This might sound a bit twee but, you need to be friends with yourself first.

I'm sure you're bloody lovely & most real friends wouldn't give a tinkers toss about your backstory

It's not that I have a burning desire to make friends or that I am terribly lonely. I was for a long time but somehow I have grown so accustomed to doing things by myself. I would say I am like someone who is considered undate-able (has not got a proper job, has no where to live) except in the friend sense. Like I have not got a proper life for myself due to circumstances of moving so much, being a carer instead of working, etc. I know I am not making much sense.

In your post you refer to yourself almost entirely in terms of your relationship to others, so I can't answer the question. I bet you are friend material, but so much more so if you are "50, love baking, can't see the fuss about Gogglebox, enjoy cinema trips and swimming, like to read books by....." etc. (For a bad example) Who is the you that would like to make new friends?

Like I feel I would want to hide my life circumstances from people. I know some people on here are very kind saying they wouldn't care if someone was in my situation and would still be my friend, but I am not sure this is true in real life.

Oh, that's interesting, View, I didn't realize I had posted like that.

I would only be considering you not your family etc. The fact you had a ds with asd would genuinely in no way affect whether we were friends or not. Just really whether we clicked. You are overthinking.

Sadly, though I am sure you are lovely, it's why you don't have friends as it's the same for me.

I would just look to see if you seem nice, and friendly, interested in me but mostly if we got on and would be relaxed and the potential to have some good times together which would mean the potential to have some time to spend with someone else too. I am sure there are people that you can connect with!

Picklemuncher, my ds has asd & Adhd and it does have a real impact on your life. There are many, many more demands on your time and energy. The sometimes eccentric/challenging behaviour of dc with asd can make it difficult to get out as much as you might otherwise and make taking them along to social gatherings more difficult (sometimes impossible). People say that they are accepting of difference but in practice it's not always easy to be the 'different' family.
So I think most people with average dc would perhaps think like your first answer from herotherhalf, and herein lies the problem. If you're living an 'average' life it's very hard to identify with the challenges of those who aren't average.
Although friends choose one another on attributes (personality, values etc) that's because people have to identify with each other to become friends. When you can't identify with each other's lifestyle it is a definite stumbling block.
I wonder if trying out a carers group or similar might help you find someone who can understand you more easily. I think the important thing is to just get out there in the world as much as you can and it will happen (I could do with following my own advice!)

I don't think you sound unfriendable.

I don't actively seek friends as i have a fair few I socialise with but I'm always up for meeting new people. A person would have to have a similar personality to me or at least be able to put up with me I can be loud, I joke around a lot, I'm not 'sensitive'. I like the odd night out with girls. If someone was the opposite of me I probably wouldn't try and become close friends. There martial status or how many children would not matter to me or if they had loads of few friends! I wouldn't even bat an eye lid to that.

I actually also have a son that has asc and tbh I don't try and actively make friends with people from those circles, I feel like I have plenty of my life taken up with autism so i try to stay away with other mums with children with asc and they mainly end up talking about autism when you meet up with them! And I don't like talking about it that much, I try and focus on other aspects of my life when it comes to friendships.
But if someone actively seeked me out from that circle I would still be friends with them

Do you get any time off from your DS? I guess he goes to school - and evenings?

I was going to suggest seeking out other parents with autistic kids, but then saw justdon'tknow's post.

But, like seeks out like- there are always plenty of people going through relationship breakdowns that would love a coffee and a mutual vent- maybe while DS is at school?

Stubborn - I'm pretty sure all mums of asd kids don't feel like me I know a fair few that have made good friendships and always seem to be doing stuff together with there kids since they met, I think I'm probably in the minority of mums when it comes to socialising with other asd parents. It is probably worth a shot at trying to contact other asd parents. I do sometimes go to parent meet ups, but it's few as I just don't like talking about autism all the time when I deal with it constantly, I socialise to get away from all the autism at home (not sure if people will understand that but I know what I mean). I also sometimes go to meet ups with my kids to asd groups, but it's mainly to give them something to do for an hour or 2 and it's normally free or pretty cheap hence why I go instead of to make friends.

For those people who think your dc is with asd is an issue, they aren't worth your time.
You may find that you chat to people a few times and realise that you don't have much in common. That happens to everyone. Not everyone will have the same interests/common goals/life experiences. It's more of a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you will find someone you gel with.
Some people will find it interesting you've lived in so many different places.
Try going to groups for a specific hobby or skill. If you enjoy reading try s book club and go from there.
FWIW I wouldn't care less if someone had a child with asd, or if they are unemployed or if they are divorced. It about the person.

Perhaps the people who you think don't want to be your friend because of your ASD child aren't on the lookout for "suitable"friends for themselves but actually for their own children ("mummy friends"). I used to find that a lot - some women would be interested because they thought my DD was a good fit for theirs with playdates, education level, behaviour age etc but other parents who I had thought I had clicked with rejected me as DD was not the right age, intellectual level etc and they were avoidant of my younger DD on the ASD (as if it might infect their little darling whilst at my house). I met quite a few women who wanted new friends for their children only if the children were older/more "advanced" than their DC so that my child would "bring theirs up" - all these people would not be a real friend to you.

No one cares about those things, promise. If anything, knowing that someone has survived a hard time make people admire them or if they are having a hard time and struggling, people feel empathy.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I did try getting to know a couple of the parents from other children on the spectrum but found it mostly led to being used as free child care. Eg. I often had their kids over they rarely had mine. I don't mind as my kids were happy for the most part. Eventually I had to draw a bit of a line because I could end up with 4-5 asd boys in my house at a time as one of the mums insisted that both of hers came over even though only the older one had been invited! I haven't really made parent friends although I did try the first couple years. I did have parent friends in previous places we lived though but here it hasn't worked out.

I guess I feel weird around other people who seem to have long term friends and lots of family to visit and we have none. I know other people post the same issue on mumsnet but I don't know any irl. I feel it is something you need to hide. I will keep doing my volunteering and hopefully get back to work. i guess it is what it is unless somehow magically over time my life changes

I'm a single parent with children with ASD. Although I work and have colleagues, they're still not truly my 'friends'. My close friends are the mothers of other ASD kids, my closest friends are the single mums in my ASD support group. We want the same things, laugh at the same things, and support each other. I go out (when I can) with other groups of friends, but have a better time with my ASD single mum friends.
Seek out your local support groups x