Fallen out with Mam and sister

[beaubeau11]

Hello I would love to know what you all think of my problem, I am married with 3 children I have been with the same man for 17 years we have mortgage etc and work hard to provide for our children, My mother has never been there for me or the children emotionally its always been one of those relationships where you talk about the weather, over the years I have always felt I needed to prove myself to her i.e have to have house and kids immaculate for eg if she ever came round to my house she would always find something to criticise for eg (your windows are much smaller then mine if I had those windows they would be spick and span) I have 3 young children!!!
she also always asks me if iv lost any weight yet? this is just a couple of examples many more if I went on.

My mother is very lazy and doesn't like to go out shopping etc garden centre soft plays etc she just likes me to go over and sit and talk about nothing while my 2 year old potters in the garden this is ok on occasions but on my days off I like to be out and about with my daughter two sons are at school.

over the last year things have got worse as she constantly complains about illnesses always at doctors etc, believe me its all attention.

she got a gastric band and has lost 3 stone and although im happy for her she makes me feel massive (im a size 14) asking me if I want her old clothes etc how cheeky?? im only 31.

My sister is about to get married for the 3rd time she recently got a brand new build on the council and goes to college doesn't have to pay for this, plus she works doing beauty for herself cash in hand she works from my mothers house, obviously she sees my mam a lot as she works for free from her house, and if I go t my mams she constantly talks about her wedding which is taking place September. my mam has mentioned how proud she is of my sister on fb for getting into university etc which yeah its great but she never tells me she is proud of me it seems if you get things given on a plate things are my acceptable, I sound bitter and jealous but the thing is why the hell does my mam not spend quality time with me and my children away from her house (my sister is always there)? I have tried asking her why and she says she is happy for me to go to her house she doesn't even come on Christmas or birthdays for me or the kids we always have to go there and if I take all 3 children over they are told to go in another room as there to loud ? there normal children maybe making car noises on the floor, but in the next breath she says (I never see the boys) cant win?? it all came to ahead last week when I txt her saying I wanted our relationship to improve and asked her why shes not there for me and why I have to go over to hers all the time etc we got into a big argument and she said (are you depressed or something in a nasty way) she twisted everything around on me (I am quite happy to grow as a person so I would listen if she had vaid reasons for her behaviour? I ended up going through all the bad things my sister has done and questioned why she is never proud of me> ? and guess what all that time my mother had me on loud speaker so my sister hurd it all. my sister swore at me and I hung up, my mam then called me back and I asked her why she had me on loud speaker and how dare she?? she replied that she was busy with the wedding cake I asked her why she couldn't stop doing the cake while talking to me this is an example its all about my sister.

please note my sister has always said my mam is rubbish at being a grandparent etc and that she is lazy but now she works from her house there best friends.

I have not spoke to my mam or sister for 6 days but my sister did ask my hubby what food he wanted at the wedding via txt so he replied we wouldn't be going due to the circumstances this is so awkward im so angry but I miss my mam as she's my mam, in a way though not having her in my life is a weight of my shoulders as I always felt anxious around her like I couldn't be myself.

lastly im not bothered about speaking to my sister we have never liked each other its all just been pretend over the years this is due to the past and my grandmother having her as a favourite and clearly telling me this so there has always been a wedge plus 6 year age gap.

sorry its long

Er from what ive gatherd by reading your post. Reduce your expectation understand your mum isn't going to be there for you like she wants. It hurts but I think making comparisons is only going to hurt you. Your sister going to uni and having a house is good news surely? Wouldn't you rather her educate her self and have a home rather than be homeless and stuck in a poverty trap?
You need to distance your self and sound a bit petulant

What I mean by that is why is she always so proud of my sister when everything gets handed to her on a plate I think the real issue here is that my mother doesn't make time for me

I think you need to accept your dm is who she is and get on with your own life. Pop over to her every now and then but expect nothing as she doesnt sound like she is going to chance. The day you accept that you will be happy.
You sound very jealous of your dsis. Just let her be. You are far too tied up with them. Focus on your own life dc and dh. Do your own thing with short visits but stop expecting stuff.
I wouldnt have bothered getting into that concersation with your dm. She is not capable of more .

Well maybe she knows your more capable than your sister you can't second guess others emotions I understand it's hard for you. I have a useless mum so I know how you feel. But I have reduced my expectations massively and just take joy in the small passings we have.

Thank you so
Much for replying I admit I sound jealous I kind of wish I didn't mention my sister because I'm more bothered about why my Mam is not emotionally connected to me and doesn't pay any attention to how I feel etc we are clearly made of different stuff. I look at grandparents picking up there grandchildren and wanting to be a big part of there lives my Mams next door neighbour takes her dog for a walk for her and sometimes takes my daughter why doesn't she take her to the park up the street and enjoy her? this makes me so sad

I read a thread about narcissistic mothers I definitely think I have one

Yes she sounds narcissistic

I think that though you say that you're main concern is your mums lack of emotional closeness, the way you are judging that, is through your sister.

If we take your sister out of your post- there's very little there to suggest your mam is narcissistic. Not as involved as some grandparents, interested only on her terms- yes. But that isn't uncommon and doesn't mean she's emotionally distant. Some people chose to have a less hands on grandparent hood. That's their right.

The main reason for your anger, and feeling of disappointment is (as far as the op shows) caused by comparison and jealously. Comparison is the thief of joy. It's hard -I fail, and carry hurt that largely amounts to unresolved jealousy of my more loved siblings but focus on your achievements and what that brings you.

Look, it hurts when we have a crap mother. It hurts when that crap mother favours our sibling. It all bloody hurts to buggery

I know the way it sounds I just feel like since being a child Iv always had to prove myself to her that I am worthy she always puts me down I just wish I had a Mam
To go places with and share life experiences and my children since having my own children I find it hard to imagine not wanting to be close to them and from my own experiences I always tell my children how much they are loved and wanted favouring a child is like comparing apples to pears as there all different. It's hard judging a person by what they have written but anyone who knows me knows what Iv been through over the years I just wanted to try and get a fresh approach from a stranger and I appreciate your messages

You've had some very uninformed messages imo. Not at all helpful.

Have you had any therapy around all this? Plenty of us in your situation who have had to have numerous years of therapy to come to terms with what was a very challenging start in life. A start that endures tbf - crap parents don't generally miraculously come good.

You might like to look at the Out of the Fog website which addresses dysfunctional family systems.

Thank you springydaffs.
I have considered therapy but it's expensive I had a very abusive grandmother she is actually the course of this family's problems funny how someone can be dead but can still
Continue to ruin lives.

You can get cheap therapy through eg Women's orgs. Dig around. Have a look at the Out of the Fog website, look up 'toxic families' and see what comes up xx