IBU to think I a half-bald cancer survivor single mum is totally unlovable? Sorry in advance for the length.
I know that this is the last thing I should care about right now, there ARE more important things, but my no-good, lying, stealing, unreliable, substance-abusing ex, father to our lovely ds (6), has just found a new love. He seems so happy and healthy and now wants to spend lots more time with our son, which is fine (although he's playing happy families with his new gf and our ds after just a few weeks, which I'm not fine about) and we did split up 3 years ago (I left him), I'm well rid of him and stopped loving him long ago. But I can't deny that a few days ago, finding out that even someone as bad as my ex can find someone who actually seems quite nice, while nobody seems even remotely interested in me, I just feel so ugly and pathetic and downtrodden and unloved.
Our relationship left me and ds poor, lied to and stolen from and, because of his spiralling heavy drug addiction, unsafe. I left him, moved to another city, got a job, was and am a great parent to our ds. I was beginning to feel good about myself and was making new friends.
A few months later, I begin to have excruciating headaches. Doctors found a brain tumour and my world cracked. It was malignant and initially diagnosed as very bad, like 6 months left bad. They operated and discovered something less serious, one that gave me fair chances if treated, plus it hadn't spread. I had radiotherapy and a few months later was told it had worked and that my brain wouldn't be impaired, but I would have regular check-ups and take medication for the rest of my life. I was also told that the hair loss caused by the radiotherapy was permanent. I.e. many, many major wins, one or two minor downsides. After many months of feeling groggy and going through every emotion possible and back living with my mother, with the incredible support of family and friends, I got my life back on track. Without support or help for ds from ex, of course. He claimed it was all too much for him to face, so would do the minimum and would make things very difficult in the process.
Almost two years later, still half-bald, in a very convincing wiglet, I have found a new, better job, taken an intensive course, helped my mother out of a dire financial and legal situation, am an even more involved mum, go out, stay healthy and generally relish my time with ds and my loved ones. Cancer really is great for putting things into perspective. At 33, I finally really like myself and am generally happy. I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm brave, I've probably looked a better - cancer is great at sapping the last youthful bloom from your face-, but I'm not that bad.
At least that's what I tell myself most days. But these last few days, since the news about my ex, I've been thinking that nobody has shown even the slightest bit of romantic interest towards me in years. I have many male friends and acquaintances, but flirtations never amount to anything. I think it's because “cancer-surviving single mum” is just too much for anyone to want to approach. But the thing is, I don't wallow in that title at all (apart from in this post), I don't go around talking about these things much at all. Few of my acquaintances know much about my situation. Others see me as popular and confident, even my closest friends rarely see me really upset. Tbh, people rarely feel comfortable addressing my situation and I certainly don't want to be a pity case, so it's usually just alluded to in passing. I am really proud of how I've handled these last few years and of the woman I've become. Nevertheless, no romance, no flirty texts, no boozy chats, although I have a social life, go out, meet friends of friends, even tinder a bit. I can't help but feel sad and lonely, I long to be wanted that way again. I love my son, I love my family, I love my job, I count my blessing every single day, but I can't deny I want someone to love me, too. All I feel today is foolish for even thinking that someone so cracked and battered as I could find someone half-decent, or at least feel less lonely.