told my children their dad beat me

[brokenagain1]

i'm quite aware I did the wrong thing. They're both late teens and I just sort of blurted it out (it was in context)
I was trying to explain how I knew their dad's gf has issues relating to her childhood because of certain things that came out after he left me for her. It was difficult to explain and I just said it in what I thought was age appropriate (they're both late teens)
I feel worse now because it's well over 2 years since he left and i've never said anything about it before. I feel terrible and don't know how to carry on with them. Their reaction was fits of giggles, which of course may have been nervous laugh but it still really upset me.
I'm still more upset with myself as I feel i've done well never to bad mouth their dad even though the beating wasn't the worse thing he did to me (in my opinion)
I came off my anti depressants a couple of months ago as I was feeling so much better but feel now like i'm going to have to be on them for the rest of my life as I can't cope with life without them it seems. I feel shit about that because he did that to me, gets to live his brilliant life, leaving devastation in his path while I still carry this with me.
I've tried living the best life I can, got counselling and still feel worthless. I feel like such a horrrible person for telling them and don't know how to deal with it. They don't appear bothered but who knows?
I don't know why I'm posting here but I just wanted to write it down.
Thanks for reading

I'm sorry he did that. I believe you, and I'm glad you escaped him.

It was very generous of you not to tell them before, in my opinion.

I'd be very surprised if they didn't already know, or at least suspect. They must have seen or heard arguments, and the results of the beatings.

I expect it was nervous giggling, but now that it's in the open, you might want to think about talking about it properly with them. Maybe speak to your counsellor or similar first, to get advice on how to do it, but I reckon they are probably traumatised too, not because of what you said, but the fact that their father beat you.
Violent bullies rely on people keeping secrets, you don't have to cover up for him any more.
2 years is not long enough to put it all behind you, I had a partner who was violent, although luckily didn't have DC back then, and it took a long time to get over. You've suffered enough, don't be too hard on yourself.

thanks mrshathaway, why do I feel so bad for doing so though? and why do I still feel so bad?
I know we're all so much better without him but they didn't need to know, did they? feel terrible but can't take it back and scared how they'll be with him now,
Their relationship isn't great anyway and this might really cause devastation to their own mental state. I feel selfish for wanting them to know what he really is and now i've burdened them with it

there was worse, he coersed me into having sex with other men (and women on occasion). I hated it but in the end, in a strange way, I craved the attention. I can't forgive myself and now my life is taking a severe nose dive because I can't move on from this.
I'm gutted as I thought i was doing really well, moving house and starting what was supposed to be our new lives but I'm still letting him rule me.

I don't think you should have told them OP. It's an adult issue they shouldn't have become involved in. That said I'm sure they probably had an idea anyway. I don't think you should be too hard on yourself though. If they ask any questions about it deal with those but otherwise I'd leave it there. Be kind to yourself. We're all human

You're being way too hard on yourself.

I escaped with my children as well. We completely relocated in a new and much cheaper area. I feel I owe my children an explanation but for their own need to make sense of what happened and also so that my daughter knows that if her father starts the same shit on her, she can instantly refuse to visit him and i will support that. It's also important that my son knows that a woman will not tolerate that. Perhaps my son is the first in a long line in that family who will not abuse his gf/wife because by the sounds of it, my x's father, and his father as well, they all controlled their women with abuse. I put my foot down and left and my children know why. I do protect them, by being strong and happy now. I'm not focusing on raising them to believe their father was Pa Walton cos he wasn't but I've encouraged them to believe that if somebody treats you badly it's ok, more than OK to walk away.

Cut yourself some slack

I imagine you still think it was all your fault. I imagine you think they'll blame you for it, or think less of you for it.

It will be confusing for them if they still have a relationship with him. It's very confusing for the children of any divorce at first - and two years is no time at all.

I think you did the right thing honestly.
I would want to know, my mum didn't tell me and honestly it meant when she tried to talk to me about abuse I didn't listen. Slightly different because it wasn't my dad but late teens are old enough to know.

thanks aragtree, it's just everyone around me told me it was in my children's best interests that I didn't slag their dad off and I've adhered to this until now despite how hard it was.
The problem is, I'm just so angry that he gets to get away with this. He's basically broken me and gets off scot free. Part of me wanted to let them know, so they actually know what he's capable of. I really don't think they had any idea what he'd done.
They don't have much of a relationship with him now to be honest but that's more due to the fact he puts himself, his gf (who he left us for) and his new, shiny life first. They know how selfish he is, I believe.
I think you're right aragtree, part of me wanted them to know because I don't want them thinking that it's acceptable for a human being to that to another. Do your kids have any relationship with their father?

mrshathaway, you're right. I still blame myself and question why I allowed this to happen and carry on.
I've been through it with a counsellor and she said to not blame myself as I believed at the time I had to put up withthis to keep the family together. I just wish I'd been stronger to get out earlier.
I feel like such a weak person

Have a look at BertrandRussell's current thread (called something like "if you have grown up children") to see why it's important that older teenagers understand that people who seem nice can be abusive.

I don't believe you're weak. You've stayed away from him for two years and given your DC a solid foundation for the future.

They see each other but I wouldn't really call it a relationship.

You have to cut your x out of your life completely and start working on your self esteem. Making you feel like a piece of shit and using and abusing you inflated his ego temporarily. But men with poor self-esteem, they need to keep inflating their ego by making somebody feel bad. So treating you like shit compensated for his low self-esteem by bolstering his ego temporarily. And you accepted it because of your low self-esteem and poor boundaries.

You could google Nice Girl Syndrome, what it means to have good Boundaries, the effects of poor boundaries, why you had low Self-esteem, where that lead you, how to raise your self-esteem. Work on yourself and your own understanding of why you tolerated him for so long.

Avoid another relationship until you are repelled by abusers and users and attracted only to men who treat people well. This can take YEARS. I avoided relationships for 6 years. Not consciously, it wasn't a conscious decision but it took that long to lose that feeling that I would be 'grateful' if a half decent man showed any interest in me. Only when I thought, hell, I'm funny, I'm a good listener, I'm engaging, I'm curious and kind and good company, only then luckily did I risk a relationship. It didn't work out but he recalibrated me to expect kindness and respect in a relationship.

i hope so mrshathaway but I'm sat in my bedroom, not sure how to address my children who are both together in one of their rooms. They seem ok, so think the plan is just to act normally and carry on.
why do i feel such a shit though?

I'll have a look at that thread too. BertrandRussells'

you're right, my self esteem is on the floor despite people telling me i'm an ok person with lots to offer.
I shall google nice girl syndrome because I believe i'm a real people pleaser and always put people before myself.
Sadly, I've already tried the dating route and attracted needy men who drain. managed to get rid of the last one very quick though so maybe I'm making progress with recognising users. I dated quickly because friends and relations said it was the best way to get over the ex. They didn't know what I'd gone through with the ex though.
You're right, I haven't really worked on me and don't even know who I am.

You did really well at not mouthing off about their dad for that long despite what he did to you. I would think the giggling was because they didn't know how else to react. Please don't put yourself down so much because of one thing you said, you sound like a nice person and a caring mum.

god, aragtree, just read up briefly on nice girl syndrome and that's me.
I'm the one at work who everyone says looks cheerful and happy all the time despite feeling like shit inside. Even my boss has said it's ok to show my emotions because otherwise how will people know i'm feeling less than ok.
It's just a long grained institution i my family to have a stiffupper lip and not to show emotions. My mum still praises me for being brave (at my age, mid forties for goodness sake)
I don't know how to put myself first even though people have also advised I need to put myself first in order to show my girls that's the right thing to do.

It 's a slow process though. My self-esteem has improved in stages over the course of a decade. It will happen for you too if you work at it. I think dating quickly after a failed relationship can be a good idea if the relationship was a successful one but you need to date yourself for a while! Get to know you. Sounds cliche but it's true. The vast majority of people have no comprehension of what it is like to escape this type of situation. I had PTSD as well and people were criticising me and judging me for not getting a job. I was lucky I wasn't swaying and dribbing and my aunts and uncles were asking me when I was going to get a job. So it's true that most people cannot understand what you've been through.

It is important to listen to your soul's whisper. You can't like yourself and value yourself until you feel your sense of self more strongly.

Tune out society's expectations and disappointments and listen to see if there's a quiet voice in there.

Have you read any books about abuse, so that you know that it's nothing to do with you?
Lundy Bancrofts's is good. I don't think it's pleasant to think too much about your former abuser but it helps your realise it was all to do with HIM.

Also you could read ''A woman in your own right'' by Anne Dixon. It is supposed to be about assertiveness but i thought it explained low self-esteem very well.

So sorry to hear this OP

I was in a similar situation and I also told my teen DC. Like you, I didn't mean to, it just came out.

I actually don't think it's a bad thing though that they know the truth. They didn't have a great relationship with him anyway and I think it's helped them to understand what kind of man he is and not blame themselves for the fact he doesn't bother much with them, if that makes sense?

Hope you and your DS are ok x

thanks aragtree and violentcharlotte. I have a woman in your own right (along with lots of other self help books gathering dust on my book shelf, shall dust it down and get down to some reading)
think you're right about 'dating' myself because I don't actually know who I am anymore.
The dating thing stems from a fear of being alone I think although I'm lucky I have friends and supportive family so aren't really alone. It's just society that expects you to dust yourself off and get on with life quickly.
I need to accept I've actually been through a lot and give myself a break though, I recognise that now.
Btw, sorry for my incoherent previous posts!

Yes be kind to yourself. Do not berate yourself for not bouncing back to wonder woman style resilience instantly!

Personally I think you did right to tell them. It is important they know why you two are no longer together. Both need to learn it is important to respect women. I would go and get them make a cup of tea no ask them if they have any questions.
Hold your head high and be kind to yourself.

A few hours later and everything seems fine. Neither have asked any questions but I did apologise for my outburst. They both said it was ok and we've gone back to normal. Think it helps that they're older and so can process the information a bit more rationally (didn't actually go into any gory details and certainly not about the sexual stuff)
Someone back thread said they probably knew/ suspect a lot more than what i've told them so maybe I've only confirmed what they suspected?
Thanks for all your replies.