AIBU- DH as SAHD and the mental load?

[DrWhat]

I'm exhausted and seem to have lost all perspective on this issue, so could I have some opinions from the wise women of mumsnet?

I work 48 hours a week in a pretty intense job (which I do really enjoy). DH is a sahd to our two daughters, age 6 and 9 months. He's great with both of them, the baby is happy and loved- so far so good.

However, I feel I am taking on far far more than my share. The baby is still breastfed and is having a growth spurt currently, so is waking 5x per night. I am exhausted.
All of the planning of the family falls to me- we're buying a house at the moment and I have made almost every phone call, decision etc. Plus keeping it all in my head or on endless lists in my phone. He does things if asked, but often has to be reminded multiple times.

In an attempt to discharge some of the mental load I have tried delegating things to dh- the car for one, and some tax issues. The tax was left for so long we were fined, and the car is now declared as off the road as dh forgot to tax it and sort out some repairs for its mot. It has been sat on the drive for 9 months now. Any mention of either of these things is met with long sighs or 'i forgot, OK!' snapped at me. He does not see that this is part of a greater issue, that it is a total lack of responsibility and failure to be a grown up. I have tried to explain so many times, he doesn't see the problem, now I'm just furious and resentful.

I also feel he's not pulling his weight with housework. I admit my standards are higher than his, and I'm happy to pitch in as needed, but I'm regularly finding I am spending a good portion of the weekend cleaning. Basic things just aren't getting done, and often it's still me that manages things. I'll ask him to change the beds and lay out the new bedding, otherwise he won't think to do it. The bathroom is cleaned only about once a week- the loo smells of pee. Spills are left on the floor for days. The washing up constantly takes up half of the usable worktop. Often I'll start to clean or tidy, but he sees it as a criticism and stops me, saying he'll do it- but he doesn't!!

I know if this was reversed I'd be furious at him criticising, but I've been a sahm before with our eldest, and I got a hell of a lot more done. This Saturday I was home with the baby and managed to do all the housework. I know it's not impossible- he's just not doing it.

I'm at the end of my tether- I've shouted, we've talked, he's seemed to understand and then nothing changes. I'm so defeated and so so tired. I've been married before and it ended because of this sort of shit, and he knows that, but here I am again.

Can you swap? Do you want to? Can you afford a cleaner in a couple of times a week? Sounds like this is the big issue for you.

If the children are loved and happy you need to find a way round the other things.

I say this as a single mum. I work really hard, but I have a live in nanny who does all the kid logistics and cleaning/washing and I take care of everything else. If the house wasn't tidy it would get to me to.

If it was me in your shoes I would fork out for a cleaner and outsource the ironing too.

Sorry you are this situation. If you have been there before you know how it ends.

Can you take a half day off work, get some childcare and sit down with him somewhere neutral (e.g. cafe where neither of you can get shouty) and tell him all of this? Or get some counselling so he sees it through a third party's eyes?

I have similar problems but they're not as bad as this so I'm just plodding along in the hope that they will miraculously resolve themselves! (And I'm not blameless either).

Thanks for the replies.

I really don't want to swap- I have some underlying depression and anxiety and got so much worse when I was a SAHM, it's not my thing at all and I love my job. DH is much more suited to being at home with small people than me.

I have told him all of this, multiple times. He thinks I'm exaggerating, or agrees to changes that never seem to happen. Last time we sat down for a big talk we agreed on some changes and I thought we'd got somewhere, things were better for a couple of days but then everything went back to how it was before, except now he gets angry if I bring it up since he thinks its now all sorted. For example, he promised to sort out the car- 2 weeks later and he's not done it.

I've been trying to persuade him to come to counselling for over a year, for this and some other underlying issues. He won't come- he doesn't see that we have any issues- he's happy so he thinks I'm exaggerating how unhappy and exhausted this is making me.

Last time I tried to bring it up he just told me it was because of my depression- that I had been in a bad mood and was taking it out on him and imagining issues where there weren't any. He fails to see that this behaviour is the cause of my bad mood!

Has he always been this disorganised?

Does he see this stuff as 'wife work'?

In the immediate term I would stop breastfeeding. I don't see how you can do your job properly with the baby waking that much and you always having to go to her. Or is she a bottle refuser?

If he's always been like this and is otherwise good with the kids and a good partner I would get a cleaner.

a car sat on the drive for 9 MONTHS? he sounds so defensive because he is fully aware he has failed to resolve this, and it's so easy to sort out - just seeing the car, for me, would be a great big metaphor for everything that is wrong. I feel your frustration!!

Sort the car out yourself, he will never do it.

Go to counselling yourself, if he won't come with you. It will help with your mental health.

Maybe start to detach yourself from him. It sounds like he won't change. You are getting all riled up while he sits there passively.

Stop doing wifework for him to reduce your burden.

Take time for your own leisure activities. Don't be so eager to give him a break at the weekends for example. Sounds like he's doing much less than you.

Set a deadline for him to go back to work if he is no good as a SAHP.

Sorry but it sounds like your marriage is over if he's not even willing to admit he is part of the problem.

It seems to me that it's almost immaterial who works at home or stays home, in many cases not just yours - the issue is, how do you divide up the tasks of family life and life in general that are not childcare or making an income. There's loads that falls into that category. I think it's really unfair if that burden falls entirely to one person in a couple.

I don't know how you convince your DH to change, though. That's some major dropping the ball that he's doing, in addition to just not doing his fair share day to day. It won't change on its own, though. Are you usually able to discuss difficult topics with him or does he stonewall you this much on everything?

I think men can't mutli task like we can. If my partners home with the baby, nothing else will get done - but baby will be fed, changed, played with etc. He often says he doesn't understand how I get housework done while I'm looking after baby. I'm sure that sometimes stuff like this is just the differences between the sexes. It would drive me mad though.

Josephine I think that attitude is part of the issue though - why can't you expect the same from a man as a woman? Of course another functioning adult can their fair share, he's choosing not to!

OP I would be losing my shit. DH is a SAHD and does what is required. When we made the transition between roles we talked a lot about what I had been doing v what he had been doing. Now we sort of fortnightly make a to do list and carve it up - stops resentment on his part because he does more visible stuff - cooking, cleaning, washing, and I do the invisible stuff - birthdays/dentist/hair/financial etc. It works when we both know and appreciate what the other is doing by way of contribution.

I'd say lists, lists and more lists.

You say you gave it all in your head / on your phone. And he just hasn't even begun to think about what's needed.
Write up a list together of everything that needs doing, even house work, on a daily / weekly basis plus ad hoc (car stuff) then divide between you as appropriate.

Tell him you can't manage the whole mental load anymore or carry on with the arguments tension so he needs to do his unprompted. Maybe when he sees the long list he'll appreciate it more

I think men can't mutli task like we can.

And yet they can run incredibly complex military campaigns over decades, create political policy, undertake advanced research in mathematics, colonise the world, run businesses, maintain social lives, etc.

Weird eh? Gosh it's almost as if they feign ineptitude when it comes to the donkey work...

Occam's razor and all that

A good option IMO would be to tell him you no longer wish to be the sole breadwinner and that he should seek WoH. A parent AH only works well if both partners are OK with it.

The car tax thing and his reaction are really crap.

I wouldn't be buying a new home in the circumstances.

@thestamp
:-)

Josephinelavelle, sorry, but that's nonsense.

There definitely are people to whom it is easier to multi-task than others. But it has nothing to do with the sex of the person!
Multitasking is not something wired into female brains
(or wait, maybe that is the famous ladybrain transgenders sometimes talk about )

Agree with Loopy. Tell him his carefree days are over and he gets back to work quick smart.

Don't buy a house with him, don't have any more kids with him. He's taking the piss.

I think men can't mutli task like we can. Actually I think some people can't multi-task, it's not a sex thing, when mine were babies I was bloody useless at getting anything else done but DH could manage teething baby and the housework and to play his online games.

OP, would it be worth just writing lists, if he's likely to take it badly you could make out its to teach the 6 year old does her share so you have your jobs, his jobs and your DDs job.

Multi-tasking is a myth. It's just switching your focus back and forth and losing time in the process. It's inefficient and stressful.

But if you have a vagina you'll be told that you're awesome at it and because you're so awesome at it, it's best if you do the housework not me.

Funny how no one thinks that women's excellent multi-tasking skills should lead them to careers in Air Traffic Control.

Remembering to sort the MOT on the car isn't multi tasking.

Neither is looking after a baby and doing housework. You see to the baby's needs and in between, you do housework. Eg you wouldn't try changing a baby's nappy and doing the washing up - one follows the other.

A baby does not need 100% attention.

OP your DH sounds lazy. He's got it made. A wife who works all hours and does everything else. He has the great excuse of your anxiety - you can't possible swap so he sadly has to stay at home.

Why can't you and he work part time with childcare in between?

Or divorce him if he won't change his ways.

I can't offer any advice as this is a live issue with us too, but I empathise and I'm sorry you're going through this.

What I'm trying to do is not move/remind/act on something if it is his to do (whether by agreement, habit, delegation, whatever) - he doesn't do laundry, he deals with consequences. He doesn't buy x at the shop, we don't have x. And so on. I make sure that I have what I need. Something like your car situation - he cocked up, he sorts it out, he pays the fine. If he doesn't pay the fine and the next thing is bailiffs appearing, so be it - it's for him to sort.

Selfish, but there you are - so is his behaviour.

I don't think lists etc are great as you're then still the project manager in the relationship, but frankly if it's lists or everything collapsing, use lists. Or a list app like Trello.

My DH works full time, very late nights - 7, 8 finishes. He comes home, helps put the kids to bed and always washes the dishes. Then tidies the kitchen. Then does whatever 'house' chores need to be done like tax renewals, accounts.

I'm a SAHM. I do housework too.

At the weekends, we each tackle jobs. We don't have to ask or nag or sigh. We each see it. It gets done. He has eyes. He isn't a manbaby. When I go back to work full-time, it is obvious we will need a cleaner as he quite rightly says "we need someone to cover all the work that you do." It's work. It isn't done by magic wife fairies.

So none of this 'men just don't see it'. They do, they just don't want to do it. He thinks being a SAHD is all playing with the kids and putting the crayons out. It still means the lion's share of the housework and the household admin. It means meal planning and small tidy ups and large organisational tasks and generally keeping the place going. If he's going to do a shit job of it, he's just lazy and needs to get a job. Nothing less attractive than a lazy partner - and that includes partners who stay at home but DON'T do the work that role requires.

Sadly, it's not impacting on him as it does on you. I second the counselling and in the short term, get a cleaner. Yes, that will impact on the family finances, but it will reduce your stress. Medium term, yes, get lists on the wall/fridge/wherever, devided between you and tick them off as you go. If he is competitive, add a penalty or reward. Yes, it's still management, but at least you will know if it's genuinely him forgetting or just being lazy.

The other thing is to make sure you are getting adequate sleep. It's awful as you feel you have wasted the evening, but go to bed as the same time as the baby twice a week to catch up. I say this as the cosleeping, breastfeeding mother of a 15 month old who is teething (bloody molars!). And yes, the beds, floors and bathrooms got done today in between looking after her and DS(4).

Long term, what is the work life plan for you and DH? Will he return to work or be a SAHP unril the youngest is at school? I ask as there's less housework when both kids are away all day and there's nothing to get dirty. It could well be a short interlude to get through, before you both are working again. Stick with the lists, though, to kick the mental load!

I agree with lists. And l know its childish but lists ticked off. Thats ridiculous not taxing the car.
Or just get a childminder and a cleaner and boot him back to work.
I dont expect much but that would surely do my head in. He is being totally unreasonable and l wouldnt buy a house with him.