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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you feel if

22 replies

suchislife44 · 14/08/2017 07:58

You found out that your partner of 8 years had been seeing a psychiatrist and not shared this with you?

Background. At the time of us meeting it was clear that he suffered with what I would call a complex web of emotional difficulties. He had always treated people poorly, I believe a projection of his own poor self esteem (not excusing the poor behaviour) and been unsure in his identity. I am aware of some things that happened to him during his childhood that haven't been dealt with. He didn't have a very 'stable' upbringing. Our relationship has endured a lot over the years, but I thought that we were stronger for it and in a healthy place. Previously it seemed that he felt comfortable speaking with me about anything.

OP posts:

ForeverLivingMyArse · 14/08/2017 08:00

I can't imagine not knowing this, if you are in a relationship with someone surely thIs is the sort of stuff you share. I'd be disappointed.

Original poster

suchislife44 · 14/08/2017 08:01

I guess I should add that this came to light during a minor argument in which he shouted 'well you don't know that I suffer with x and have been seeing a psychiatrist'.

OP posts:

8FencingWire · 14/08/2017 08:02

I wouldn't say anything yet, wait for him to get in a place he feels confortable to share.
I wouldn't think it a betrayal, more like something he needs to do on his own and which requires headspace.

IdentifiesAsASloth · 14/08/2017 08:04

I'd feel extremely hurt that he has hidden it for so many years. I think I'd feel like he doesn't trust me enough to tell me.

WunWun · 14/08/2017 08:04

All the time? Or just recently?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 14/08/2017 08:05

It's his private business to be honest iid feel proud of him for going. Just because your married to someone doesn't mean you have to tell them every single little thing you have s right to privacy

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 08:09

Tbf you know you are in a relationship with a deeply troubled person. Someone who isnt a nice person. Why would you stay with them if they were getting help?

My first thought, if he has history of treating people poorly, is he lying?

However if he is telling the truth i feel that, while you should feel comfortable enough to share this with your partner, i can understand why some people want to keep it to themseleves.

I dont think people should have to share this kind of thing if they dont want to or feel comfortable doing so. The problem there is that its not much of a relationship if he cant share these sorts of things with you.

CremeFresh · 14/08/2017 08:11

If it was said during a row , do you think he said it for effect ?

JK1773 · 14/08/2017 08:14

My gut is asking whether he's being truthful about this. My ex had a habit of making bold fantastical statements when he felt backed into a corner in an argument. Although he was an absolute cock

Original poster

suchislife44 · 14/08/2017 08:16

Thank you for your replies. This has begun recently I think. Although I have been encouraging him to address things for years. He had previously mentioned (again only during arguments where he was being defensive) that he was seeing a counsellor, but this is the first mention of a psychiatrist. I am proud of him for doing so and told him this yesterday. I also made it clear that if he doesn't want to discuss it obviously he doesn't have to as respect this is entirely his choice. This said I do feel disappointed that he felt unable to share this with me, especially as over the years his un attended to mental health has led to a lot of turbulence in the relationship, to the point where if I was not aware of the underlying issues and understanding of his behaviours we would not still be together.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 14/08/2017 08:17

I wouldn't think anything of it. I wouldn't expect to be briefed on every appointment a partner attended. Some people are more private than others

ImDoingLaundry · 14/08/2017 08:18

Surely if he's having problems it's a good thing he's seeing someone?

I'd be hurt if my partner didn't tell me something so important, but I'd figure there must be a reason. Maybe he's embarrassed/ashamed?

WunWun · 14/08/2017 08:22

Yeah, I couldn't be angry about this. It sounds like he's not well.

Original poster

suchislife44 · 14/08/2017 10:17

To those who suggested it might be a fabrication, I am fairly certain that he is being truthful and has been seeing someone. This said I've not seen this reflect in him as yet

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pallasathena · 14/08/2017 17:22

He's very likely ashamed. We don't have a remotely positive culture in UK about mental health. There is still a stigma surrounding the issue despite the current phase of celebrity emoting.
Just perhaps, he felt deeply embarrassed, worried and anxious about sharing this with you. Or indeed, anyone.

Original poster

suchislife44 · 14/08/2017 17:36

Thanks Pallas. I see your point. However I worked in mh and am involved in charity based mh promotion. Regardless of work he knows he would be heard and that its nothing to be ashamed of. Previously I have also experienced depression, as a consequence of his issues/ actions so no shame there.

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thestamp · 14/08/2017 17:45

I would not be upset about this.

IMO, if I were upset by this, I'd give my head a shake and tell myself not to make everything about me.

It does sound like your partner is very troubled and it's affected you a lot, which may be causing you to feel very hurt by him keeping this to himself. You don't need to be in a relationship that causes you mental health problems you know. You can just walk away and not have to be embroiled in the drama...

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2017 17:48

Do you live together?

OhDearMuriel · 14/08/2017 17:53

After an 8 year old relationship, personally I think it is deceitful of him.
He is troubled and I suppose this is part of the package you have.

Original poster

suchislife44 · 14/08/2017 18:21

Yes we live together. My relief that he has found it within himself to engage in therapy outweighs any disappointment. I just wanted some outside thoughts on this as a friends DH recently went through counselling for PTSD after an accident and they dealt with the process very much as a couple. I recognise that everyone is different however. I also understand he's ashamed of things he has done in the rs in the past which link back to his mh so perhaps this is relevant then too.

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Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2017 18:35

I think you should be happy he's getting help and supportive of his decision. I can understand that you wish he could share all this with you but everyone is different. He must simply not feel comfortable with opening up yet, and pushing him or pouting about it won't help anything.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2017 18:38

I think that given you've experienced depression as a result of his behaviour, as you say, he should have told you he was seeing a psychiatrist in an attempt to make you understand that he was doing what he could to address the issue.

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