I don't feel the same about him, I feel sad and I don't want to hurt him.

[Gezzagirl]

I'm letting all the feelings of resentment build up, I'm trying to act normal but I can't. It was so lovely when we first met as it is with most relationships. I thought this time I'd found the one, but since living together the reality of everything is taking its toll. Being a step mum isn't easy, I promise you I try my best but it doesn't seem enough, plus their own mum I think got jealous or felt threatened in some way when i moved in and tried to split us up. Turned the dcs against me it was so hard but we did get through it and I've built a relationship with his dcs and their mum has calmed down and getting on with her own life so things have been better, but a lot of damage has been done.
I moved towns, my dcs schools to be with him, I did want to the schools are better here, it's better for teenages here, better prospects etc but I feel lonely, I have no real friends locally of course I have my old ones but I feel I need some here. Dcs friends and family aren't that friendly, I also feel my dcs are second best all the time to his family, his mum etc. My dad has recently died and my mum died 17 years ago so I feel alone, amoungst his family.

I had a dodgy smear test cin 3 so had to have treatment which wasn't very pleasant, I couldn't have sex for 6 weeks, dp was horrid about this, he wanted me to relieve him in other ways but I couldn't, I felt very unsexy plus my dad had just died.

He snaps at my dcs which I'm noticing more and more. We're engaged to be married and I feel numb but at the same time I don't want to hurt him. He knows there's something wrong. I feel trapped and alone. Relationships never seem to work out for me .

This sounds grim. You need to slow things right down

What a horrible time you've had OP . I would say the real test of a partner is how they treat you when you're down.

You were undergoing cervical treatment as well as a major bereavement and your p's response to this was anger that you weren't providing sex.

He's snappy with your kids and makes them feel like second best

Don't marry him. Take some time to recover from the life events you've just been through. Spend some time with good friends. Then decide what you want.

I agree with whatwouldgenghisdo

How someone treats you when you're down, or at your worst, is very telling.

Also I feel for your DCs if they feel second best 😔

Personally wouldn't marry this man, or at least wouldn't rush. Make sure you AND your DC are happy before you jump in

No, have a rethink. Please do not marry. These boards are full of married people feeling trapped by their situation. Don''t be one of them.

Fuck not hurting him...he snaps at your DCs and pestered you for sex acts when you were poorly.

Hurt him all you like.

Good luck OP

I'm not sure my dcs feel second best, I do chat to them about things, all they really care about is they have me, their dad and their friends. They say they like my dp but he annoys them sometimes, they feel he expects a lot from them my oldest does notice he treats his dds differently but she also says maturely she understands that and she has a dad that loves her. I feel the difference though, I notice things and wonder how they feel. I notice how his mum dotes on her grandchildren and would not have a bad word said about them, of course she wouldn't but I feel she is harsher on mine even though she does treat them all the same at Xmas etc. It's more the emotional thing. I suppose you expect that, they're going to have different relationships with their own, I'm just feeling down about it because my dad has died they have no grandparents to spoil them, be proud of them etc. Things like his dcs will get a good report from school and do well in an exam or something, whoever it is we're all proud but it's always slightly different if it's his dcs everyone is proud. If mine do well everyone will say well done but I almost feel it's a competition, I used to ring my dad up and say so and so did well and it's a different proud you could feel him smile and be happy. Its different but maybe that's how it's going to be! It's difficult to explain.

There has been quite a few let downs from dp and I guess they build up inside but he has his family they will always side with him no matter what. Who have I got?

Sorry you're on a downer OP. How long have you been living together?

It sounds to me that you are still grieving and consequently feeling adrift in a sea of nice strangers. Of course its entirely natural that you'd want to be closer to your old friends, that's normal.

I think with the children you have to be a bit realistic about the extent to which their extended SD family will treat them like family IFYKWIM? But does sound like your DP could have done a bit more. I would have said give yourself time, because it's likely grief is colouring your emotions and judgement right now, but I'm appalled to hear that your fiance was demanding sex after you had a cervical operation! Quite selfish, if not abusive.

I think you defer whatever wedding date you had in mind, give yourself time to grieve a bit longer and then reassess your concerns with fresh eyes.

It's ok to walk away from this relationship. Especially if the DCs emotional and mental wellbeing may suffer. I remember going to my stepmother's family as a child and feeling like second best. Not nice but it would be a couple of days max. Can't imagine all the time.

Honestly sometimes it's best to be single with young DCs and wait for something better. Sorry no better advice to give, I hope things improve soon

Thank you hadron, you may well be right about my judgment been clouded by grief I've always been very level headed about the mil having different feelings for her grandchildren of course she will and it's never really bothered me when she takes them out for dinner and not mine, or spends a day out with them and not mine and I'm pretty sure it doesn't bother my dcs they wouldn't really want to go anyway, they don't have that bond with her either. It's bothering me that she says things to them, makes them feel uncomfortable sometimes and my dp does it too. Although I do feel supported by dp and his family at the end of the day I feel it's us 3 against the world. I would leave and live on my own with my dcs if I felt they weren't happy or this life was making them less confident etc I'm just not sure if it's me grieving that seeing this worse than they are.

My dp did apologise eventually for his behaviour after my treatment, he said he was going through a hard time at that moment, but part of me can't seem to forget it. I have another procedure down there in a few weeks. How's he going to be then as because I've been so down lately we've not really been having much sex anyway.

There is no shame in admitting something is not working for you. Never mind the hurt bit. You can't go through life worrying about hurting people.

Maybe time to split up and rebuild your life with your kids. You don't need a man in your life to be happy.

It sounds as if the current situation has you feeling down more than any feeling you have or don't have for your dp. Grief is really hard, you've moved areas and haven't settled in yet and you're having medical investigations and interventions. None of this is easy, and unfortunately I doubt it would be easier without do - in fact almost certainly harder!
With the demanding sex, that's something my DH can do - but it's because (and I'm not guessing, I've had words with him about it!) That's how he feels that I love him, so when he's down he just needs to feel that intimacy. He's apologised so knows he was wrong, and maybe you can discuss before the next procedure how you won't feel up to anything so he knows that's not something against him!
I think (assuming you've had a longish partnership) that you should talk to him about how down you're feeling, and say you're struggling to distinguish between your feelings for him and generally not being content with how things are - if you're planning to get married then you've at least considered being a team for life and part of that is being open and honest, and supporting each other through the shit times

No I don't, I've lived on my own with my kids before. I liked it, I got lonely sometimes but there are lots of things you can do to counteract that. I could buy a house myself I'm not financially bound. I own half this house which is a 5 bed and I will be getting inheritance from my poor dad's passing, so I'm not trapped financially. I guess I'm just wondering am I over reacting, will it be a bit like this with whoever I end up with or do I just have to be on my own till the dcs are older. I think quite often when a loved one died you maybe reflect on your life.

Nothing wrong with changing your mind. It can many years to find out if you are truly compatible with someone. I'd bail out now, rather than be another divorce statistic

Relationships don't have to be full of resentment and this level of compromise. I don't think you're overreacting at all, and even if you are you're allowed to. The only important question here is: is this man making your life better or worse?

But is it normal to feel the way I do about his mum, she's not a bad person at all I do get on with her. It's not her fault there's no bond really, maybe it's just grief on my part that's clouding everything like a previous poster said?! X

It's hard to tell whether you're being unreasonable about your dp's mum based on what you've said so far, but i wouldn't be happy with her if she was saying things to make my kids uncomfortable either.

It's true there's a strong argument for not doing anything too drastic while you're still recovering from a bereavement. If you have good friends in RL whose judgement you trust I'd suggest talking it all over with them as well. And look after yourself