please tell me what is normal

[summerholidayhat]

Can someone tell me if I am being pathetic or if DH is treating me badly. I've lost perspective.

If I ever raise an issue, something I'm not happy about or something he has done to upset me he says 'are you complaining about me again' and shuts me down.

If I say something he doesn't want to hear, because it is 'a whinge' he will act like I haven't said anything and ignore me.

When he was planning a social event I told him any day except x, as I had arranged a playdate that day, and he went ahead and arranged it for x. No apology. No offer to call back and reschedule. He just said I didn't have to be involved. If I'm not it'd look weird. Surely a normal person would acknowledge they'd ballsed up and sort it wouldn't they?

I have reached a place where I just feel like everything has to be done his way, as the alternative is too unpleasant. I've started shouting all the time, and the kids are by default blaming me for everything.

It's so fucked up.

For the record this is someone I (foolishly) took back after he cheated. He isn't particularly supportive about that either. If I bring it up he usually says 'oh not this again'.

Help.

Why exactly are you still with this man? You are destroying your relationship with your children - you know that. He's cheated on you and is disrespectful. He doesn't love you - sorry, but that jumps off the page. Why are you still with him?

Why are you wasting your life with this man?

It's not normal for you not to have a platform to air your grievances. It's a way of him controlling you, by not allowing the existence of any view other than his own. I imagine he likely guilt trips you for 'upsetting' him too, if you do raise anything.

I don't think there's anything for you here. I'd make plans to leave. Sorry.

I feel for you you OP, I could have written this myself. My H has got slightly better after seeing the IC about the not saying 'oh not this again' --but I can sense he is thinking it. Like you I feel everything has to be to his agenda or it results in accusations that I am criticising him. As an example my 19 year old made a comment about having a good clear out and then maybe renting somewhere a bit more smaller (the house we have is huge) , I agreed with him and then was 'told off' for agreeing with him. It gets wearing I know.

Thank you for replying, and basically confirming what I am thinking myself.

I have not left (yet) because if I do he will demand 50:50 custody. My dcs are very important to me, and being away for them for 50% of the time is not something I would cope with.

Crowdo thank you for affirming that, and yes he does guilt me all the time. My DM stayed here for a few weeks once and she commented he is very manipulative.

Yetmore I'm so sorry you are living like this too

I appreciate I will need to just take the 50:50 on the chin and get out before this screwed up relationship affects my dcs to the extent they are willing to accept the same for themselves. Its hard though. No mother wants to walk away from her dcs ever, let alone half the week, every week.

Sometimes you have to put your children's future ahead of your feelings.

I know it's hard, I had to do it too.

But honestly. You will learn to cope with your feelings of missing your children. How will you cope with seeing them live out relationships like the one you're in now? How will they cope knowing that their mother allowed them to be damaged to their core, because she was afraid of feeling the pain of being separated from them for a few days a week?

It's so important to be brave op. Your children don't have a choice. You do.

Are you sure he'll demand 50/50? How much solo childcare does he do at the moment?