I think I want to but feel so guilty.
2 kids aged 2 and 3, 3 yr old in process of being diagnosed with ASD. Life is stressful. Hubby was a teacher, absolutely amazing with the kids, no worries there. I am main breadwinner, he does child care. I barely see the kids on the 3.5 days of the week when i work.
But hubby has been unfaithful, lots of times in the past, then things got better - we had kids. all seemed good. Then I found out a year ago he'd been having an affair for almost a year. I found some pictures on his phone, He took a while to break it off, expressed how much he missed her, and had ongoing contact with her on and off even up to quite recently. The affair started about the time I went on antidepressants for postnatal depression, when baby 2 was teeny. I've struggled with my mental health on and off, I didn't have a great childhood and I know it's partly the reason for his infidelity - it's taken it's toll.
1 year on from discovery and for the most part we function well day to day, both love the kids and work well as a team regarding the,. But I am miserable, we do get to chat to eachother about once a week, but he never wants to talk about deep emotional things. Doesn;t want to acknowledge or discuss my heartbreak. I think he probably has ASD too, and is just unable to manage these difficult emotions.
He's quite happy to continue the status quo but at times I feel suicidal. I've asked him to leave but a) he doesn;t want to and b) he's financially dependent on me and c) he does all the child care. I know friends have been worried if I leave I will lose custody of the kids. But it's got to the point where I feel quite suicidal, and I just need to get out and work things out later.
I have been googling which would mess up my kids more - me leaving or me committing suicide and I think I have to get out for everyone's sake.
Just need some reassurance and encouragement.
I DO have friends in real life who know what;'s going on, but I am aware I've been back and forth with this for a year now and worry they are getting tired and fed up of it. I feel like if I leave, then at least the kids will continue to be financially supported, and there is the hope I might sort myself out and be a good mum again. Right now I'm a shell and just coping by sleeping and overeating. help!