I am a pretty shitty person, and don't know how not to be

[Howtochangenow]

I can't stop lying. Not about big stuff (though I probably would if needed) but little stuff. All the time. Any question asked and my instinct is to give whatever answer I think the person wants to hear, or will keep the scenario smooth. It's like I genuinely don't know how to be real, I'm on eggshells all the time, responsible for everyone's happiness.

I don't know what to do about it? It drives my husband mad, obviously, if he catches me in one of these little lies because it hurts him that I can't be honest. And I hate it too.

I just feel like such a flake, and so far from being the person I want to be, or feel I should be. So many people seem to think I am nice, or helpful, or loyal, but I am just a fraud. I can't even explain myself properly! What do I do? 😭

Wow, that's a really harsh description of yourself considering the issue you then went on to discuss. Are these your own words?

Are you A fantasist or just a people person ?? Have you thought of why you do this ?

Can you look at this objectively for a moment... what goes through your mind before and during the lie? What do you get out of the lie? What fire the other person 'get' through via your lie?

I am guessing you suffer from very low self esteem. Does that sound right? You Don't sound like someone who feels comfortable in her own skin.

Can you afford counselling?

I don't know why I do it, to avoid saying the wrong thing, to keep a conversation light, to avoid negative judgement maybe...or just to avoid giving an answer the other person doesn't agree with? Which makes me feel very shallow really.

My husband blames this on my parents for lots of reasons, he may be right.

Counselling might help me have better reactions to things, I've always been the same. Mouldable, depending on who I was talking to. A friend used to describe my answers in conversation as howto answers as against what I really thought, always said with a laugh but accurate nonetheless.

Your dh is probably right that you began this with your parents to appease someone who was angry or not upset anyone who was sad. Counselling would help. Be totally upfront there so can deal with issue straight away. Your dh sounds understanding so maybe begin by being more honest with him.
Stuff we trained in from infancy is hard to shift but you are aware of it so thhats a start. Dont knock yourself but do grt counselling.

I've recently seen a hypnotherapist to overcome some deeply ingrained negative habits. I made sure I found one that focussed on counselling and other therapy type areas rather than one that would make me spontaneously cluck like a chicken upon hearing a trigger word! I found it incredibly helpful. It's a bit 'out there' and not for everybody I know but might be food for thought.