struggling so badly....any advice please?

[fallingapartattheseams7]

Hi everyone advice needed please as im really struggling

Bit of background.... i recently lost a baby through an ectopic pregnancy and had my tube removed
My partner was brilliant while i was pregnant much more caring than hes ever been in the yrs weve been together and good while i was in hospital/just got home too but now its all changed
He seems to have forgot it ever happened and is currently on a week long lads piss up in a foreign country ( this was booked long before we lost the baby ) while im sat at home just feeling absolutley lost
Im barely eating or sleeping and torturing myself with what him and the lads might be doing, i have heard from him briefly to let me know he is ok but hasnt once asked how i am
Am i being unreasonable to feel so abandoned? To feel so angry at him for having the time of his life while im struggling to cope with loosing our baby?
I feel so low i dont know what to do anymore
I know people go through worse so dont want to seem like im moaning i just badly need some advice as my head is so battered i cant think straight
All ive done now for days since hes been away is cry i cant tell him that though as he will say im trying to make him feel guilty and ruin his holiday which im not im just so sad and its all too much to cope with
I hate how uncaring hes become again since i lost the baby it feels like the only time i mattered to him was when i had something he wanted inside me so was for his benefit to look after me
Really dont know what to do to try and drag myself out of this dark pit, i do have a friend in rl i talk to but she says shes really worried about me and i know she has her own problems atm so i dont want to burden her with mine plus id never admit to her just how low ive been the past few days

Any advice or just someone to talk to would be so appreciated x

I'm so sorry you have been through this. Of course you ANBU. It sounds like you and your partner have become a bit detached- he came back briefly when you were in acute need, but now he is back to normal.
It sounds like he has moved on and is being quite selfish. I do feel for you; however I don't think he is the one you should be pinning your hopes on. You sound depressed ( and not surprisingly), would you be able to go and see the GP on Monday? Look after yourself, you have had a hard time and of course you are not making too much fuss- you need support at the moment and you're not getting it. Time to think about yourself, don't torture yourself with what he's up to- treat yourself well and make sure you are doing some nice things for you.

So sorry for your loss OP. No wonder you are struggling.
Your partner is probably also upset. And doesn't know what to say so appears uncaring rather than actually not caring.
I agree you should see GP asap, you need help to deal with this. You have been through a lot, and it seems more than you can cope with. I would be the same. Take care xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your partner seems incredibly selfish. Whatever about continuing with his trip, to not ask how you are shows how little care and concern he has for you. Did he suggested not going on the trip? I ask as you could have implied it was ok for him to go.

You need support now. Have you a friend you can go stay with for a night or two to feel cared for?

This would be a deal-breaker for me. If he can't extend basic concern at a time like this, why bother being with him?

Thank you for your reply
I guess i could go and see the doctor i dont even know what to say to them about how low im feeling
Yes definetley detached ( although he says things are fine/he hasnt changed/im paranoid etc )
He says he wants to start trying for a baby again when he gets back which obviously id love to be pregnant again thats all i want so badly im just so angry at him and i dont really know why?
I cant help myself biting at him if he does call n then being devestated if he doesnt i dont know but in my head it feels so cruel that hes off having the time of his life while im literally limping through each day just trying to survive till i can eventually fall sleep and it all stop hurting so much for a few hours
I have never smoked or drank so much in my life the past week, i used to have a glass of wine at night now i can easily drink a bottle maybe 2 not to get drunk because it doesnt even seem to touch me atm just in the hope it might make me go to sleep n then ill stop feeling so hurt
Ive never ever felt this low before feel tortured thinking about the baby all the time ( the hospital handled it very badly ) but i have been given the option after of having babys ashes back as the baby will be cremated.
I have mentioned this to my partner and he just made me feel stupid asking if we were going to have a funeral and a wake? Invite guests? He just doesnt get it i feel like i lost so much more than the baby and my tube i lost his love and respect and now im loosing him too so im clinging onto all i have left which is the chance to have the babys ashes back
I dont even know in my own head if im being ridiculous anymore and i should just forget it ever happened like he seems to have

Sorry for your loss

Have a funeral and a wake for sure. It doesn't have to be big. Even just you two and any family or close friends you want. As you are grieving it sounds like it would be a healing step to say goodbye to your baby.

On a different note I wouldn't be too hung up on him being on a lads holiday. Men do coping so differently and it sounds like this might be what he needs. Don't be on your own though. Can you have any family or friends round. A couple of glasses with friends is way more thereputic than a couple of bottles on your own. Alcohol is a depressant and it doesn't sound like it's even touching the sides of your grief anyway.

Maybe it's just his way of dealing with his loss OP. men have a funny way of dealing with things.
We as mothers will always feel a loss like this so much deeper, how can you feel that if you've never carried another life in you.
I lost two and never really expected my husband of the time to understand it was a deep organic personal connection with those beings that I carried. Their very existence was a blessing and I still feel them with me today.
I could never expect a man to understand that - it is our special priviledge even though it is painful xxxxx

Im really too scared to admit to my friend how bad im feeling and would probably never admit it to him either as he will just think im trying to make him feel bad for going away.... i said on the phone it sounds like hes having an amazing time and he said yeah why ur not going to begrudge me that are u? So maybe im the one being selfish??? I just dont know anymore :(
I never said it was ok for him to go and i never said it wasnt as it would have made no difference if i had only that he would have been angry with me while he was away and not contacted me at all
I was in floods of tears saying goodbye and have sent him a msg saying im really struggling being so cut off from him so soon after loosing the baby but he ignored that bit and just replied to something else id put
I dont even know what he could do or say to make me feel a bit better but right now hes doing nothing and the way hes acting on top of how devestated i feel about the baby is just too much to cope with

That's so sad OP, do something special for your baby, take the time to plant something for him or her, make a box and put special things in there and write something about the baby so you will always remember.
Don't worry about your partner, it's about you and your baby and your loss and you should be concentrating on yourself right now.
Look after yourself.

Things like this do trigger depression and I think all the hormones can send you haywire. And of course the grief at your loss is absolutely natural. It sounds like your partner isn't really mature enough to cope with all this emotion, but like the others say - concentrate on you, reach out to your friend and be honest with her.

Did you tell him you didn't want him to go? I suspect that for him the trip was booked, in his eyes there is nothing he can do to change the outcome and if you were OK for him to go, he's probably gone and it's been a distraction to his own grief

My first pregnancy was ectopic so I know how you are feeling but you seem to be dealing with it all alone. You must tell people how you're feeling and please go to your GP. They can't help and support you if they don't know.

I hope you noticed from my post I said that my first pregnancy was ectopic. My following two pregnancies are both men now.

My friend knows im very down and has been keeping me company or distracted as much as she can while hes been away i dont want to ask anymore of her than shes already done
I didnt want him to not go on his holiday he would have held that against me forever i just wanted him to care how badly this has affected me
If he had been the same person before he went away as he was when i was in hospital i wouldnt feel so gutted it just hurts so much that the way he treats me has changed so much since i lost the baby he says he hasnt tho so wont even entertain the conversation if i try to tell him he has he will just say hes doing nothing wrong and im being needy
I am sat in tears typing this out it all hurts so much and i dont know how long i can go on feeling this low

Oh OP. You need to take care of yourself. And not with wine and cigs.

Your DO is a selfish arse. He probably thinks you should just get over it but it's not that easy for you to compartmentalize things like he can. He will feel sad about what has happened but from his perspective you can just try again. You however are feeling deep deep grief and bereavement and hormonal crashes. Have I got that right?

Yes yes to going to your gp. You need some help to get through this. No shame in that. Try and find a local bereavement support group. Perhaps there is a thread here in MN for women suffering miscarriage, stillbirth and ectopic losses? MN is a fantastic place for those seeking support and advice.

And just see your friend for hugs and distraction. She just need to be there not do anything specific. You shouldn't be on your own right now.

DO was supposed to be DP. Darn autocorrect.

But you clearly need support. Why not get it from your friend in his absence? If a friend of mine was in the situation you describe I'd like to think I could be the rock they need.

When is he back?

Op, how long ago did it happen? I had similar and my biggest regret is that I didn't realise how traumatic it was.

Do you have family? If not you need to practice your own self care.Alcohol will make you feel lower so whilst your partner is away do something positive for yourself, even if it's a walk in the sunshine and a nice lunch.Then sleep when you can, surgery will have taken more out of you than perhaps you realise.
Are you off work?

See Your GP as you might need some help to get over this period of time, especially if you have to go to work so need to function.

Onto your partner, Is he usually someone you can rely on? I just ask as I realise the EP was a watershed moment (he was pretty terrible at support) and I should have used that time to reflect on the whole relationship however I was low and also desperate to be pg again.
There was a ep support site so why not post there as this type of loss has different impact and talking to women who have gone through similar is really helpful.

It's important that you focus on yourself and don't treat yourself badly with drinking or smoking.You need to treat yourself well with good food and rest.
PM if you want to chat, I remember how desperate and alone I felt.

Its been 4 weeks now... he was kind while i was in hospital but i wasnt really this upset i think maybe it was shock and its all hit ne so badly now but he doesnt get that, if i get emotional he asks what are u crying about now and i feel like screaming wtf do u think im crying about
The ectopic happened and i get what he means we cant change it its how hes been since that is making it 100% worse and has made me feel stupid about wanting to have the babys ashes back
I think hes massively underestimated how badly this has affected me and i dont know how to explain that to him without seeming like im moaning or having a go that he doesnt care
I could have probably coped with loosing the baby if he had stayed as nice as he was while i was in hospital but its almost like hes done his bit now and can tell everyone how supportive he was at the time but im hit with a double whammy of loosing the baby and feeling like ive lost his love too which atm is too much to bear

Falling I don't think he sounds selfish I think he sounds like he doesn't understand how deeply this impacts you. You need other support here not just from him. The fact he wants to try for another baby soon says to me he is over it and thinks you should be too. Of course he loves you, you are being a little over dramatic but I understand why.

He's away, bad timing, but in the meantime try and get some support from other women close to you and go to your GP.

Im sorry if i seem overdramatic just very low

I don't think you're being over dramatic; that was a poor choice of words from PP. you are in a hard place at the moment, and what you are in need of is some help to climb out of that place. Anti depressants may help, mindfulness may help, and the support and patience of the people around you will definitely help. I think your DP definitely needs to step up and realise where you are. But if that doesn't happen don't read that as a reflection on you but on him. You have to concentrate on getting better.

Hello falling I'm truly sorry for your loss. I suffered my first MMC when we were just 3 months into our relationship. My bf (we're still together) didn't blink an eye (it seemed) but it hit me so hard. I only realised afterwards how deeply it had affected me - about 9 months of grief, deep sadness and lonely isolation - and I wished with hindsight that I had gotten professional help. My mum was brilliant but I didn't speak to my bf about it much. Now that I know my bf better, I know now how he copes with difficulty - very differently from me or what I consider the norm. I would focus on helping yourself first - with counselling or bereavement groups who have suffered a similar loss. I must also add that having a MC was my first experience of bereavement/loss whereas my bf has had a much more challenging life than me and more instances of loss in his past.
With my second MMC, the healing process was far "easier" and took less time.
Much love to you x

You need to see your GP OP. I'm not making excuses for your DP but at some point life has to continue and maybe his way of dealing with it is to get back to 'normal'. It's nearly 24 years since my ectopic and I don't know if they deal with them the same way any more but mine involved major surgery and the recovery of it was long and painful physically and that is a constant reminder of the loss.

Please go and speak to your GP and explain how you feel.

I'm sorry for your loss and of course, expecting to be supported by your partner during a very difficult time, isn't unreasonable. However, having that expectation of this particular guy, is. This is who he is and that brief time he wasn't, was an exception not the 'new' him.

Get your support from people who are supportive, torturing yourself over someone who isn't, is only going to make it harder on yourself.

Take care.

Following the ep I had a low period which I also suspect is linked to hormones.

It's very dramatic especially if it became an emergency so it really can be trauma followed by the loss of a tube with all the implications that follow.I did go on conceive so please be reassured it's posdible.

How old are you? I really would take time out to take stock, get yourself on an even keel and only then evaluate your relationship and having another baby.
I found after the ep I was consumed with getting pg, but I was older so time not on my side.

I think the ep was a warning of my ex's lack of empathy and I should have listened.I was more emotional due to the loss but it was heightened by ex's behaviour. Accept you are on an emotional rollercoaster that will calm down.Focus on getting well physically by limiting alcohol, eating well and some gentle exercise.

Thank you for all your kind messages i feel in a very dark place today all ive done is cry all day .... ive tried to message my partner as he said he would call this morning ( and last night ) but hasnt but he has just read the messages and not replied
I dont know what to do anymore