Lack of intimacy

[miniyouinsideme]

My DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 5. Both of us are 34.

We have a baby on the way, due September.

For the past 7 months we have not been intimate at all - no sexual contact. Plenty of hugs and brief kisses but nothing sexual.

We share interests and have a laugh together but he refuses to have sex with me. He is excited for baby and loves to feel baby kicking etc.

He says there reason for lack of sex is he doesn't want to hurt me or the baby. I've asked him to speak to my midwife, GP, read things online but he refuses. I just feel annoyed with him for not even making an effort to attempt to do anything about this.

I've spoken to him patiently, cried, shouted but nothing gets me anywhere.

I must admit that in the past throughout our relationship we have had mismatched sex drives. He could go 2-3 weeks without sex. I would like is to be intimate at least once a week but nothing like this - 7 months?!

I used to dress up to try and turn him on but haven't done this for at least 5 years, maybe longer. The last time I dressed up with a baby doll or similar was on our honeymoon. I have tried initiating in the past but haven't initiated for years. He will be the only one to initiate now - I told him 5/6 years ago that I couldn't do it anymore.

It really pisses me off as everything else is good!

Does anyone have any advice on how to resolve this? Anytime we talk about it he gets defensive and I end up crying. I always stay patient and have not put any pressure on him. I've told him I love and respect him. Just wish I could touch him and be touched.

I said to him tonight could we do other sexual things but not penetrative sex and he said "like what?" And I replied "I could give you a blow job" and he just laughed. He said I'm not laughing at you, and I got upset. I said "you haven't answered my question" and he said we will talk tomorrow as he is "too tired".

I would love advice before trying to talk to him again tomorrow.

Has he seen a gp? Hypothyroidism can cause low testosterone.

There could be a number of explanations; low libido, not finding a pregnant body sexually attractive, stress, etc. In my case it was because he was gay.

You sound so lovely and concerned about not upsetting your DH's feelings but it sounds as if in your past chats about the issue that you have been a bit too nice and so your DH has been able to deflect your questions and stick his head in the sand about the effect on your relationship.

I also understand that when you are pregnant and feel that you need to keep the status quo that it can be painful to push a person on a problem issue in case you hear answers you do not want or that threaten your security or lifestyle. However, I think that you do need to "pin him down" and demand answers so that compromises can be found. It sounds like he already knows it is a serious issue for you and that it is causing you great pain (you have been crying at the end of your talks) you need to tell him to stop being defensive and to be honest - you have been together a long time and deserve candour.

As others have said there could be a myriad of issues causing the problem. He may be totally overwhelmed at the thought of being a father - this is it- total responsibility for another human being or be one of those men who can't see a pregnant lady in anything but a Madonna role - hence rebuffing your advances to pleasure him. Perhaps he is not totally sure of the exact problem himself but the upshot is he is causing you grief and stress when you need reassurance.

Perhaps you could have a plan - more cuddles and non sexual touch during the day etc - you can put a number on it , massages etc that could help you during labour and maybe try to build to more if comfortable, although it sounds like you have not been happy with your sex life for a long time. Perhaps you could address that after the baby arrives (counselling?)

I do hope you get some answers today and that all goes well in September

This happened in my pregnancy, my daughter is 4 this week and we havent really had a sex life since she was born!! We have a non sleeper so its been four yrs of sleeping in her bed, her in the middle,sleep deprived to the max and a mh issue each due to lack of sleep. i dont really care as i have always found sex total awkward! the only thingthat makes me sad is that he used to want to do stuff and now not so much. I know we wont have another baby and thats the only real reason id want to do it again.
Try and talk to him ask him whats goes on and your fears of it going altogther after the baby is born good luck xxx

Thank you all, appreciate all your advice.

We had a talk the other night and he said he is terrified of harming the baby. I can understand this and I said this to him.

We have been kissing and touching - everything except sex (!) so hopefully things are on the up.

X

My partner was the same for same reasons. We started having sex about 6 weeks after baby arrived (I had c section) and it's all fine now. So, try not to worry.