Am I overreacting? Thoughts on appropriate response please.

[startingagain43]

Hi there - first proper post but could really do with some help.

I am currently divorcing my husband (he was internet dating throughout our 10-year marriage) and he has taken the children, aged 10, 8 and 3, to his parents for the weekend.

I spoke with DS10 earlier and he said it took them 6 hours to reach their grandparents house (it is 3 hours on a good drive but on busy motorways - MI, M25 etc so can take longer) as "Daddy took us to lunch and then needed to stop 3 times for a double espresso as he was too tired to drive". I have no reason to doubt what DS10 said.

STBXH seemed OK when he arrived at the family home at 8am this morning (they left at 10-ish). He had been out on Friday night but I have no idea for how long etc as this is none of my business anymore. However, he is having a full-blown mid-life crisis so it's anyone's guess what he was doing and with whom. He is generally out A LOT and is very tired and grumpy around the children.

However, surely he shouldn't be attempting long drives with the children if he is "too tired". I don't drink coffee but needing 6 shots just to keep going seems extreme?

I was (and am) really angry. I did not let DS10 know this but asked to speak to ex-MIL who agreed it was out of order and said she would "have a word" with STBXH.

Should I just leave it there? Should I insist on collecting the children from the ex-in-laws (the oldest 2 are staying with their grandparents for a week)? Should I tell my solicitor? He is bringing DD3 back tomorrow morning - I'm assuming he'll have a good night's sleep at his parents tonight and will be OK?

I'm normally very clear on this stuff and my instinct is that what happened is all kinds of wrong. However, there is a risk that I am overreacting due to my feelings in general towards STBXH.

What do you think?

He sounds like a shit.

I feel I wouldn't do more than you have in this instance though. Hopefully your ex mil has already given him what-for.
Also make a note of it in an incidents book for future reference.

We drove a long way today and many coffees were drunk...

If he seemed fine at your home for 2 hours before they left, I'd assume the coffee thing could have been a bit of a fib to cover up having to contact someone or something.

I'd email him, saying you were worried (unless you think he'll get annoyed with DS for telling you). And that you want him to be sure he isn't that sleepy driving the kids back, and if he can't, you'll pick them up yourself.
But..is it possible they were stuck in queues, so he stopped in the hope it would clear, and was kind of joking with the DCs about needing coffee as the reason?

I'm confused - didn't he take regular rest stops in order to get there safely? What would you have done if he told you he was too tired to drive them? Would you have thought it was just a crap excuse not to do it? I'm not sure what you think the issue is - if he didn't take regular rest stops in order to be safe then I would see your point, but that's what he did and is the very thing you are criticising him for.

Counting how many shots of coffee he has during a day is a bit weird and controlling
..sorry I have to be honest. You've now had some info about him taking precautions and regular rest breaks so maybe just try to take a step back, rather than trying to escalate it? What do you want a solicitor to do?

It took him 6 hrs so he did the appropriate thing and stopped regularly for a break and a coffee. He clearly was being careful. I understand you worrying but I think he hasn't don't anything wrong. I've had to do some similar drives while utterly exhausted and stopping when I got dopey meant I could get there safely.

And I think you were way out of line talking to his mum about it.

YABU.

He took reasonable stops (perhaps he also needed a wee, or the children did) during a long and presumably stressful drive.

I regularly drive from London to S Wales and always make a couple of stops and usually have a coffee in one and buy a red bull at the next just in case to keep me sharp.

If my XH had commented on it I would laugh in his face.

Thanks all. You're right, I'll leave it there.

I would have driven them down there myself if he was too tired. However, I'm hoping he can try to curb the big nights out before he has the children as he keeps falling asleep when he has them (DS10 and DS8 have both complained about this). I've not addressed this with STBXH as I'm hoping he's just going through a MLC phase and will come round soon.

I'm pleased he took regular breaks to ensure he was OK to drive but it's just a worry when there's no other adult in the car who can step in if needed. Just to add, I did not count his coffee intake - my DS10 did and just relayed the information to me. I had not planned to tell ex-MIL but my DS8 was on the phone crying because his father had told him he had to go to church this morning or he would get no Birthday presents. Rather than interfere in this and not knowing the full story, I dodged the issue and asked to speak with ex-MIL so she could step in if needed (I have no idea how this resolved itself).