Can anyone give me advice, please, on how to help DH with anxious/depressed/unhappy MIL?

[JessiCake]

This is not a MIL-bashing thread!!

fwiw my MIL is a great MIL in that she has never been anything other than welcoming to me, she doesn't interfere (if anything she doesn't get involved ENOUGH, through lack of confidence), she doesn't nit-pick or think I should be looking after her son better etc.

But man, is she hard work for DH.

She has very very obvious depression and anxiety (has had for most of her life, I think, certainly has had for most of the time I've known her which is 20 years now) and it's getting even worse as she gets older. She is now 70 but - does this make sense - is almost behaving like a person of at least 10 years older in her fragility.

I use the word fragility because she's strikingly physically and - without wanting to sound rude - mentally frail. Total strangers who have met her for a few minutes have all frequently used the word 'fragile' to me recently and it's certainly something my DH would agree with.

Every conversation he has with her rapidly dissolves into tears (hers, obv!) And I mean EVERY conversation. They could be discussing her washine machine, the number 77 bus route, the state of politics, what she talked to the neighbour about y'day... within 5 mins she is in tears and saying it's all too much.

I should add that my DH is the kindest man I have ever known. He doesn't have the patience of a saint but trust me there is nothing remotely he could possibly be doing to provoke these reactions. DH's brother gets similar issues with their mum though probably a bit less crying and a bit more generalised anxious complaining (everyone is permanently slighting her, in her eyes, from people on the bus to passers-by, to waitresses, to her friends...)

She has just this last week fallen out with a close friend. She has, over the last 3 or 4 years, fallen out with ALL her friends except one. There is always a 'reason' for this but in all honesty from the stories she has told DH it is pretty clear reading between the lines that she has, again, indulged in some seriously paranoid and/or histronic thinking. Her friends 'gang up' on her, apparently, and she is lightning-quick to take offence.

As I say, her mental health has never been great. She divorced FIL 15 years ago, in one sense quite sensibly as he's a very difficult man to live with but in another sense mistakenly as - quite clearly - though her marriage may have been rocky her actual 'issues' - of which she has many - come from somewhere else. Not right or relevant really to list them here but they go back to childhood, DH has painfully discovered.

But. What can DH (and me, helping him) DO? I am no expert, but I think that a lot of her current state is coming from the fact that she feels very isolated. But - and DH and his brother both try very very hard to be good sons and they spend plenty of time seeing her, talking to her etc, we don't live all that far - she makes it extremely difficult to lessen her isolation iyswim. She gets horrendously angry at the drop of a hat, and is extremely unpleasant to DH in particular, which - not unreasonably - he will not stand around and just be abused. DH has been trying to arrange a trip away with her but she won't agree to any plans and cries - I am not making this up - about several of his suggested venues as they all upset her for various reasons.

We did last Christmas with her - we swap our families each year - but it was hellish, she said she would cater even though we offered but then she felt she wasn't up to it at the last minute and we had to scramble to sort out an alternative plan - we have a young DD so Xmas was important... Lots of tears and - frankly - tantrums (from MIL, not DD!) and it was a bit of a train wreck.

I think her big fear is of being old and ill and - probably - of dying. She has seemed to age, as I say, 10 years in the last few months, and though there is no health problem that we now of she seems - again - almost deliberately frail. I suspect she is borderline anorexic, too, I always have. I know she is worried about her eyesight and I suspect this is making her fear for the future. But what can we actually do to help with this? She won't talk about it. Every conversation degenerates into tears. If confonted - gently - she becomes extremely angry.

Honestly, all I can think at the moment for DH to suggest is that she gets a cat or a dog (she is an animal lover) which sounds a bit crap really but I think she would benefit from having something else to think about other than the things that worry her.

MOst other 70 year olds I know - my parents, their friends, my friends' parents - are brimming with life at 70, even the ones who have weathered terrible illness. My poor MIL seems about 80, minimum, and I hate to think of her kind of feeling she's on her way out and there's nothing left to live for.

DH is getting worried and he mostly feels sad. She drives him nuts but she is his mum, and she was a really good mum - even with her issues - when he was young. He wouldn't be the man or the dad he is today without her. He wants to help. I want to help him help her.

Oh, and she WILL NOT seek professional help (which she has had, in the past). The mere suggestion is rage-inducing. She just will not do it.

Please, please, any ideas?

And apologies for the epic post.

Thanks for reading.

Hi OP. We've moved this over to Relationships for you as requested. Hopefully someone will be along shortly with some advice. Best of luck with it all.

Hi op, I could have written your post but about my own mum. If she won't seek professional help, which is actually what she needs, an animal may be the way to go. They can be very therapeutic. My mum finally, after 60 years of misery and nervous breakdowns, sought help and went on ADs (citalopram). The change is amazing, after 2 or 3 months on ADs I saw her do a belly laugh and realised she had never done that before (that I have seen). But she won't do counseling to address the serious underlying issues that stem from an abusive childhood. So, get an animal, and keep bringing up the idea of help, even though she gets angry. You never know one of these days she might decide to give it a go. Keep posting here and best of luck, I know how hard it is.

Your MIL needs a doctor and a therapist. You and your husband are neither. There is nothing you can do for her, as you have already figured out. She either agrees to go to a doctor or she doesn't, and continue to be miserable, but I think if she chooses not to help herself you and your husband should make it known that you are not going to hang around and be punching bags for her misery. It's time for a little tough love.

Hi OP, I watched my mum gradually develop this sort of anxiety - for some people it does seem to be a part of aging. My mum went from a strong competent woman who had been a theatre sister to a fragile anxious person. She also fell out with all her friends. Everything was a conspiracy against her and she always had a vendetta going on with someone.

I started off by insisting she had a carer go in every day, ostensibly to clean, but in reality just to chat to her, make sure she was eating and provide reassurance and forward post. My mum started to panic about post, even the most benign sort of mailsort became a source of anxiety. The lovely Diane used to gather it up and forward it to me so mum never even saw it.

Mum started by saying she did not want anyone in her home but she really came to rely on Diane and knowing that someone would be in every day reassured her a bit.

That worked for a few years and then her anxiety got worse. My sister and I agreed that she belonged in a care home as she was also developing quite serious continence issues and had fallen a couple of times. Mum had always said nothing would persuade her to go into a home.

Heroically my sister went round a number of homes and found a really nice small one local to her, picked mum up and just delivered her there. We thought there would be huge drama but the care home manager had asked us to arrive in time for lunch and when they arrived just said "Hello Rougesmum, you're just in time for lunch, have a seat". That was it, she sat down and started eating lunch and my sister said you could just see the anxiety roll off her because she knew she was safe and no longer had to take responsibility.

She lived there happily for the best part of a year until she died. It was definitely the right thing to have done.

Sorry, that is a long-winded way of saying that I'd suggest you put some support in place for DH's mum which takes the strain off him and means she knows someone will be checking on her every day. If necessary you can always spin her a yarn about a friend needing work. Eventually a care home might be the right answer if her anxiety is too great.

I know care homes tend to get a panning in the press but the one my mum was in, which was a small independent one, could not have given better care and dealt with her emotional issues incredibly well. Worth every penny.

This sounds difficult op.

I think the previous post has good ideas.

Can I also suggest that you stop trying to make get happy, or make her behave better. People are who they are and they generally come by their ways honestly. She is living the only way she knows how and the more you struggle against it, the more pain it causes everyone.

I'd stop organising things for or with her - no trips, no holidays, don't ask her opinion or get her to contribute in any way. You plan your own stuff, and invite her if you want to but don't try to create a situation that she agrees with - she isn't able to feel happy about anything and that's not your fault or hers. When you are with her, try to let her be. Let her cry, let her flap and tantrum. Dont try to stop it or moderate the behavior. Just hold her hand or whatever, make soothing noises and keep on keeping on. And remove as much responsibility as you can from her - without comment, and without asking. She can't cope and trying to cajole her into coping won't change that.

DD can be taught to let Nanna be upset, DD can learn that she's not responsible to please or placate her dgm, she can be herself while nanna is being herself iyswim.That's actually a wonderful lesson for a little girl tbh. So many girls are brought up to believe that they're somehow responsible to make the world happy and that's simply untrue.

You and dh are not responsible to please, placate or manage your mil. I urge you to switch your thinking because by taking responsibility for mils emotions and behaviour and trying to improve them, you will drive yourselves mad.

What TheStamp wrote, particularly the last two paragraphs.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.

This behaviour is likely to be an extension of her underlying personality; you state that she has driven people away over the years with her histrionics and paranoia. Her childhood I would think has an awful lot to do with why she is the ways she is generally and not just now. It is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her that way and she never sought the necessary help re her childhood.

You are both very kind but you and your H are woefully underqualified to help his mother and tbh you should not even try and intervene in any way. She does not want your help and support, not that you are at all qualified to help her anyway. Your kindness in trying to help her will be your own undoing as a couple and also as people so do not do so. You likely as well come from a family unit yourself where such familial dysfunction is thankfully unknown, your DH was not so fortunate.

Is she on antidepressants? If not she needs to be. And also other stuff . She needs a full medical assessment.
Its a very difficult situation but having as much medical intervention as possible is a help.
Make sure she has proper food either by cooking some meals or having someone come in to cook lunch for her each day. She may be suffering from dementia at this stage which can worsen all the symptoms.
Keep nothing from the doctor. They need to get a full picture to diagnose.

Thank you so much everyone for posting. Hugely appreciated and apologies I couldn't get onto MN today to reply.

junebirthdaygirl, she's def not on antidepressants, no. I've been talking to DH today and he's going to speak to his brother and see if between them they can get her to go and see a doctor. Not for help for her mental health, per se - she will refuse that without question - but because she is between the lines worried about her memory etc and DH wants her to be either reassured if there's no actual issue (dementia) or if necc start treatment which would surely help.

Attila - I've often benefitted from your advice on here so thank you for that too!! Oddly I do in fact come from a very dusfunctional family myslef (a stately homes one) and had a crappy childhood and adolesence BUT as an adult (with the advent of their grandkids) my parents have, oddly, improved a good deal and I now have a much better and less stressful rel/ship with them. DH, conversely, had a wonderful childhood (I think his mum was good at hiding a lot of her problems, or they didn't come to the fore so much while she was a busy mum etc) but since he was a young adult, his family life has hit the skids.

I agree we are woefully underqualified to help - getting DH to see that is hard as he is a 'doer' and likes to fix stuff and is getting very very frusrtated that his mum won't be made to drinkk after he's tried to lead her to water (and been sobbed at and shouted at for his pains...)

Vermillion - having someone go in more often would help, maybe, a good suggestion thank you. It's sort of my reasoning for suggesting an animal (which DH has now done - MIL already resisting!) which is just that having a rhythm to the day because of an outer thing is a good way to stay on top of anxiety and depression (I have suffered both in my time so I understand some of this)

Huldas sorry about your mum but glad to hear she improved... I guess never say never but honestly I think the world will end (cheers, Donald Trump) before my MIL agrees to anti-depressants or anxiety meds. Clinging to her anger over the mere suggestion is, obviously, a massive symptom of her illness. But there isn't really a way to break through that for her, she won't do it unless she changes her mindset.

Arrrgh, it's so frustrating; 70 is NOT OLD (I keep telling myself that since I turned 40!!). She seems wilfully to be dragging herself towards 'little old lady' status years before her time, it's a kind of passive helplessness, coupled with tears and violent anger. She won't do ANYTHING on the internet for example (which makes life practically tricky for her in this day and age) purely because 'I'm old-fashioned, I HATE all that...' Well, my mum who is a technophobe and a Luddite does everything on the internet. And she's 70 too. DH suggested she might enjoy keeping in touch with old friends on Facebook and she sobbed for 15 minutes about the internet and how it will kill her if she tries...

Thanks all. Advice much appreciated, it really is.